z egloff
We’re all run by formulas, whether we like to admit it or not.
Given my hard-core nerd status, I actually like admitting it.
Formulas that dictate my life and my interactions with others?!
Yeah!
Bring ’em on!
In my early years, my relationships were run by this assumption:
z egloff
The activation of this formula in my life looked like this:
Did I find this person hot? Did my cells start to tingle and band together to convince me that I must have this person NOW, regardless of the red flags flapping wildly in my face?!
There’s something going on here, said my cells. Anyone who has such a strong effect on you is someone you MUST be with. Your cells don’t lie. We’re showing you your FATE. Your DESTINY. Ignore us and you will DIE!!!!!!!!!
z egloff
Needless to say, this combination of hyperactive cells and flapping red flags didn’t always make for the best relationships.
The next formula that became active in my life was this one:
z egloff
The activation of this particular formula looked like this:
Do I find this person safe to be around? Do my cells specifically NOT distract me with wild pronouncements about what I NEED to do?
If the answers to both of these questions was Yes, I was free to move forward.
Unfortunately, the lack of any chemistry whatsoever didn’t make for the most fulfilling relationships in the long term.
z egloff
I needed another formula.
Then I discovered this one:
z egloff
This was much better!
Now I could have it all: Happy cells without the red flags.
It took the two extremes of the previous formulas to find a happy middle ground.
There was only one problem.
The word Destiny.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe some things are meant to be.
But the notion of Destiny can also serve as a yoke, keeping us tightly bound to relationships that no longer serve either party.
z egloff
I needed a better formula.
One like this:
z egloff
Whenever Melissa and I talk about the future, we say we hope we’re together for the rest of our lives. We think we will be. The commitment is there.
But we’ve both been around long enough to know that you never know what’s going to happen.
Possibility is an open word.
It allows us to move into the future, open to the highest possible outcome, without attachment.
It allows for things to keep getting better and better, as we’re not locked into any destined idea of how things are supposed to be.
Possibility allows us to play in an infinite field of joy and aliveness.
z egloff
It’s a long way from Chemistry = Destiny to Chemistry + Compatibility = Possibility.
For me, the bumps and scrapes I encountered by living from the first formula allow me to live in the awesomeness of the last one.
So really, whichever formula you’re living from, there’s always room for Possibility.
I guess you could say that Possibility is embedded into every formula, regardless of whether it’s explicitly stated or not.
Now do you see why I like formulas so much?!
z egloff
What’s your experience with Relationship Formulas? Share your comments below!
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My feller, Mark, and I go by Abraham’s suggestion for a satisfying relationship: “You’re not responsible for my happiness. I am responsible for my own happiness.” So when one of us gets upset with something the other has said or done, we first reframe the way we’re looking at the situation. And then, of course, we can discuss things — but from a place of feeling self-soothed rather than angry and accusatory.
I appreciate your concept of possibility. It’s in line with Abe’s suggested and droll marriage vows: “I like you and you like me. Let’s see how it goes.” That always draws a lot of laughs, but the point is to remain open and flexible about a relationship rather than etching something in stone and then trying to live from that place forever after. 🙂
I love those vows that Abe talks about. Melissa and I didn’t include those exact vows in our ceremony, but that’s pretty much how we move forward. Flexibility is a wonderful thing to have in a relationship, letting each partner breathe and grow. Glad that you and Mark have found that sweet spot of openness and flexibility. 🙂
These formulas say it all! Thanks for your nerdy genius super powers. You’re the best!!!
Wow, I like knowing that I have nerdy genius super powers. That’s awesome. Thank you! 🙂
This post is so close to home it’s creepy. Thanks for the seed of hope. 🙂
You’re welcome! Except maybe not for the creepy part.
Love this post, Z. You hit the nail on the head for me. My formula is usually something like: I’m attracted, we’re compatible = this will be fun, but then either I’m going to get suffocated or one of us will get hurt. Great formula for success (not). As of today, I have started to put “possibility” in. Very freeing. Thank you!
Yay for Possibility! I will hold this for you in your formula as well. 🙂
When I was young I thought “bad” boys was the way to go… OMG I could tell stories!! But, now that Im older and saner , possibilities and peace and harmony would be my goals. I’m in a small country town looking for a sane, calm guy that just wants to hangout and have someone there we can both feel very comfortable around. If you meet any of those send them this way…
Hi Georgiann, We love that for you! Possibilities and peace and harmony. And a sane, calm guy. We will hold that for you, with Love!!! M&Z