My boyfriend is an alcoholic. I knew that when I met him, but at the time he was in recovery. We’ve been together about five years, and he went off the wagon about a year ago. He keeps trying to get sober, but it keeps not happening. I’m beginning to question his willingness. Or his willingness to get willing. His drinking is ruining our relationship, but for some reason I can’t leave him. I remember what he was like when he was sober. But at this point, sober seems like a long way away. Any ideas?
Done with Drinking
I’m so sorry to hear about your boyfriend. It’s always heartbreaking when someone we love is harming themselves and making choices that will not lead to their greater happiness.
Speaking of which… (Not to be all up in your face!) But could it be that staying with him is doing the same thing for you – making a choice that might not lead to your greater happiness? It is incredibly sad to walk away from someone with whom you’ve shared great love because they have changed. But it sounds like the guy you met and fell in love with is not the guy you are with today. Right?
If you are open to 12-step meetings and support, Al-Anon can be a great help in these situations, as can Coda meetings. Both of these types of meetings are filled with people in similar situations, and knowing you’re not alone is a big help. There is so much love and support in those rooms. They may be a good place to start.
“Rejecting” someone we love is heartbreaking. There’s no way around that.
But you are not helping your boyfriend by staying. And, if it is as painful as I imagine, you are also not helping yourself. You may need to leave in order to open to your greater joy. And as you go, you will definitely be sending a clear message to him. A message that says “I love my self more than this. You can love yourself more than this too.” By showing him your own self-love, you can be an inspiration. And if it’s not his path to be inspired to get sober again, then wouldn’t you rather walk a different path?
I’m so sorry to have this answer. But it is what I believe. Treating yourself the way you want others to treat you is always a good place to start. So be nice to yourself. Living with a drinking alcoholic is never nice to you.
Sad for this answer and sending you and your boyfriend much love,
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