z egloff
I heard a story the other day that was a great reminder about what not to do in relationships.
The story was about a husband and wife who frequently got into arguments about who changed the toilet paper more.
They were both convinced that they changed the toilet paper way more than the other.
The wife, in an effort to get to the bottom of things – and to prove herself right – started keeping track.
Every time she changed the toilet paper, she put the empty cardboard role in a garbage bag. Eventually, she had a bag full of cardboard roles.
z egloff
One day, she got her chance to prove herself to her husband.
They started to get into their usual argument, with both of them asserting that they were the Superior Toilet Paper Changer.
But she had proof!
Victorious, she pulled out her garbage bag full of roles and emptied it onto the floor.
As her husband stared at all the empty cardboard roles, he was astonished.
z egloff
From his state of astonishment, he uttered two words.
What were those words?
You’re right?
I’m wrong?
No.
He said:
z egloff
Granted, this probably wasn’t the nicest thing he’d ever said to his wife.
But he had a point.
Which brings me to the first thing not to do in relationships:
1. Don’t keep score
z egloff
Keeping score is for sports events, not relationships.
When we’re keeping score, we’re watching to make sure the other person is giving their “fair share” before we give ours.
This kind of thinking blocks love. It blocks intimacy.
One great way to let go of the keeping-score mentality is to change your thinking about what you’re bringing into the relationship.
If you think each person is bringing 50%, you’re more likely to be constantly monitoring where you each stand on this percentage.
If you, instead, shift to the idea of each bringing 100%, then keeping score gets thrown out the window.
z egloff
Bring all of yourself to the relationship.
To all of your relationships.
100% of your love.
100% of your attention.
100% of your compassion.
Now, you’re in a relationship that’s 1000% better than one where both partners are eyeing the other, waiting to give until they make sure they get their “fair share.”
Our toilet paper friends help illustrate another point, one that leads us to the second thing not to do in relationships.
2. Don’t lost sight of what you’re really arguing about
z egloff
It’s never about the toilet paper.
Or the toothpaste cap. Or who takes out the garbage.
It’s always about deeper stuff.
Stuff like fear and vulnerability. Stuff that’s hard to talk about.
So toilet paper and toothpaste caps act as poor substitutes for the real issues that are getting in the way of true intimacy.
In order to discover what those issues are, you need two key factors:
Time and Honesty.
Time to talk it out. Time to figure out what’s underneath the anger and frustration about the “toilet paper” and “toothpaste caps.”
And honesty to be truthful about what all that hidden stuff is.
z egloff
If you really want to use Time and Honesty to full effect, there’s nothing better than “I” statements.
“I” statements are trickier than they seem.
In the middle of a difficult discussion, “You” statements (“You should listen better,” “You should stop doing X, Y and Z,” “You should be better”) are often easier to access.
A true “I” statement – “I feel vulnerable,” “I feel frustrated,” “I feel scared,” – leaves no room for the other person to be defensive. It’s just a statement of what’s happening with you.
So there you have it!
No more keeping score. No more getting fooled by arguments about toilet paper.
Bust out the Time and Honesty and start changing the world, one relationship at a time.
Who’s with me?!
z egloff
What’s your experience with conflicts and keeping score in relationships? Share your comments below!
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Fantastic article “Z”, thank you! Peace to All, Sam
Hi Sam, Thank you! Love and Blessings back atcha, Z 🙂
My relationships changed dramatically when I learned the concept of not making my happiness contingent on what the other person was or wasn’t doing. I admit that’s tricky on a daily basis but is so freeing once we get the hang of it. As I practice finding better-feeling thoughts when something’s happening that I don’t like and as I practice appreciating the heck out of my partner when things are going well, I’ve found more joy in my relationship than I could have dreamed of. As Abe says, “Let ’em all off the hook.” Take total responsibility for your own happiness via your mental focus and then, ironically, watch how much better they “behave.” 🙂
“Let ’em all off the hook.” How freeing is that?! I also love that you point out that shifting our mental focus has the added benefit of supporting more harmonious behavior in others! 🙂
Wow, you really made it simple to see how easily it can be to make a statement without being rude or judgmental! Thank you!
You’re welcome! It really is simple, though sometimes challenging to execute – but practice makes perfect! 🙂
This is so true. And nipping adversarial patterns in the bud when they first arise is critical, because the moment when we fall into a distructive groove marks a lot of armoring,blaming, and suffering down the road. It’s hard to be vulnerable, but it beats collecting toilet paper rolls! Thanks, Z.
That’s a great point, Jill. Nipping things in the bud has huge benefits down the road! 🙂
Sometimes you gotta just get out of the way… years ago I came home and as soon as I walked in the door my (now late) husband read me up once side and down the other about something I did or didn’t do (can’t even remember now what it was). Instead of my usual defensive/counter attack response…I sat down and asked him if something happened to him today. His shoulders dropped and he told me about a very upsetting event in his day. I was able to reflect empathy to him after which he was able to tell me he wasn’t mad at me at all. It was a beautiful turning point for me. I got out of my own way and was able to see him, really see and hear him.
Hi Marina, Wow, what a wonderful example of dropping defensiveness and coming from empathy. Beautiful! It’s such a great example of how being able to do that is best for BOTH partners. Thank you for sharing!! XOXOZ