I decided to write this week about my own personal edge these days. It’s the thing that I’ve been working on, or rather, the thing that’s been working me. There have been some deep transformations going on over here. So I thought I’d share some of that process, in case it serves you.
I will start with a little shout out to my current personal favorite teacher-guru-person, Dr. Joe Dispenza. You may remember him from the movie, ‘What the Bleep Do We Know?’ Dr. Joe is a neuroplasticity researcher, meditation expert, and Quantum Physics geek. I love his work! I’ve been using a few of his meditations, each morning, for almost a year now.
The most recent groove I’ve been in is utilizing the meditation that accompanies and supports his book, Changing the Habit of Being Yourself. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it!
I’ve done decades of work about both victimhood and shame and have radically transformed as a result. But new layers have been blessing me recently.
I spent many years knowing I was a victim. It took decades of sobriety, therapy, and inner work of all types to realize that this was not the Truth. The Universe is not actually out to get me! It took me decades to figure this out.
But I had not ever made the connection, so directly, between the victimhood I felt and shame. That is, until these past few months. Suddenly, I saw that the reason I had perceived of myself as a victim was because I had deserved to be one! Because of the deep, unconscious remnants of shame still acting habitually in my thinking.
I know, more and more fully, that there is no aspect of me that is – for lack of a better word – reject-worthy. It is a scientific reality that I am made of the stuff of the divine (as are you). So it is simply illogical to imagine that there is any aspect of my being that is worthy or deserving of shame.
When I know this, there is no victim-stance that can stick. I am open to learning and growing, of course. But doing so by making my current self wrong is not helpful at all! And making others wrong, being a victim of them or of Life Itself, doesn’t allow for the growth either.
As I simply observe a mistake, I can easily shift and choose to do something different in the future.
I also see now that sometimes I was affirming, visualizing and claiming my greater good in a way that revealed my shame and victim-stance.
There were times my intentions were tinged with fear. A fear that my desire would never happen because maybe the underlying shame was based on a reality of my un-worthiness.
Other times, my visualization was infused with a cautionary determination. This determination was powered by a need to overcome the “fact” that what I was hoping for was inappropriate for me (because I was not deserving, because of shame). Whew!
Sometimes, this same underlying sense of unworthiness also led to guilt when something awesome would take place. I would sometimes struggle to allow myself to feel okay about receiving it.
All of this was, for me, about needing to feel safe in the world. When I was growing up, my very well-meaning mother wanted to be sure her children would not seem braggadocios or arrogant. Unfortunately, I interpreted her reminders not to be openly proud as messages that I had no reason to feel good about myself. I actually connected feeling good about myself as something I should feel ashamed for. (This is a very simplified description of a complicated dynamic, but you get the gist.)
What I continue to deepen into is Truth. The Truth that there is truly no reason why I shouldn’t be as successful, happy, and fulfilled as I desire. And I don’t need to find reasons why my life sucks in order to stay safe in the world!
You can imagine that this is a pretty sweet revelation. I feel more open, free, and grateful than ever. Meditation continues to bless my life.
Blessings and Love to you in all you do!
What is your experience with shame? Share your comments below!
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