Dear Meli,
I have an unusual dilemma. I have been diagnosed with terminal cancer. And I’m okay with that. I am electing not to do heroic treatments. I am 84 years old and have lived a wonderful life. The treatments would just prolong my life, but also prolong my suffering. I’m not interested in that. The dilemma comes with my family. I have three children and seven grandchildren. None of them are supportive of my decision. They all think I should do whatever I can to live as long as I can. I know that this is because they love me and want me to be with them as long as possible. It has been hard for them to understand my decision. I am not afraid of death. I know that life goes on after we die. My family, however, does not believe this. So that adds to the conflict. I was wondering if you have any words of wisdom on my dilemma.
Divinely Dying
Dear Divine One,
I am feeling a lot of different emotions as I reply to you. Celebrating your clarity and beautiful life. Your faith. And sad for the diagnosis and struggle with your family. It makes me feel conflicted about where to begin.
I do not, however, feel conflict about what I think of your decision. I applaud you. I am inspired by your choice, your clarity, and your wisdom.
I can’t imagine your family wanting you to suffer more than necessary. Even if they believe that dying is the end of life, suffering while you’re here isn’t something they would wish for you.
Here are some things you might consider to aid in their acceptance of your choice:
1) The first possibility that comes to mind, in terms of something that might help your family to understand, would be you writing a letter to them. Perhaps to be read to them all in person. This could allow you to lay out your feelings in a way that they might be able to understand more fully. Allow time for them to reply and ask questions. Encouraging honest communication will be tremendously helpful. (You may want to have a professional grief counselor or chaplain present to support everyone in maintaining active, respectful listening and communication.)
You might even suggest ongoing family meetings where everyone can share their feelings and thoughts. Again, a family therapist or mediator of some kind could be very helpful in this.
2) Another thing that might support your family members in letting go is if you were to do a ritual with them. You might write out or tell them each – whether together or individually – what each of them has meant to you, or some favorite memories with them. Allow them time to share with you in the same way.
3) Some people create a full Celebration of Life ceremony when they’re still alive. This can be another beautiful way to help to create closure for everyone.
4) You could create memory books, videos, or letters to be shared with them after your passing. Consider any ways you might be able to share memories with them, or allow them to remain connected with you later.
I am sending you extra love and light as you begin to travel your final path of this dimension. May you and your family be blessed in the unfolding, the communication, and the love that lies ahead. By walking this road together, in respect and open communication, everyone will be powerfully blessed by your life, your journey, your heart, and your faith.
Blessings and Love to you now and always,
Meli
P.S. Please be sure to have advance directives or a living will. Expressing your wishes in writing will ensure that your preferences regarding end-of-life care are documented and honored, regardless of anyone else’s emotions at the time.
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