Dear Meli,
My wife and I have been married for about 10 years, and we are very compatible. We share the same spiritual beliefs and practices, which helps a lot. But we’re also just really compatible in general. At least, I thought we were! We recently started a business together and it’s bringing up a lot of conflict. The main conflict is time spent on the business. Bottom line, I’m spending a lot more time on the business than she is, and it really bothers me. Even when we’re in the office together, she’s making personal calls and texts. Not all the time, but it still annoys me when she does. She doesn’t seem to have the same drive that I do, and it’s hard for me to let go of my resentment. I know that everyone has different work styles and capacities, but it’s really hard for me not to judge her for hers. Help!
Weary Worker
Dear Weary,
Congratulations to you on a beautiful relationship, and on the new business! I wish you all the greatest – and most peaceful! – success.
I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you’re facing. I can imagine that the dynamic you describe in incompatible working approaches is creating challenges and discomfort for both of you!
It’s really easy to imagine that the way we approach things should be the way everyone does. Leaving room for others’ styles can be simpler when the person is not our business partner. But it’s all the more imperative when they are.
Here are some possible things to try:
1) First, confirm that you’re both on the same page about the intent and goals you have for the business. Having a formal document that you create together as you begin – clearly stating your reasons for doing what you’re doing, and your dreams about the possibilities for the business – will go far in helping you to make choices along the way. With this common vision, even when your paths vary, you know the intent for your destination remains the same.
2) I’m not sure if you’ve already talked out this conflict openly. But that’s always the best place to start! However, it’s key for you to get clear, before you do this, that your way is not the better way. The two different styles you have are only that. Personal styles. There is no one right way to do anything! If you can discuss the difference in approach that the two of you have without any judgement seeping through, you’ll get much farther down the road to peaceful collaboration.
If you can have a conversation about the specifics of your different styles, then perhaps you can work together to combine styles in the most beneficial manner. For instance, one of you might be better with the creative big picture, while the other is great at research or other detail-oriented tasks. One may be more of a phone person, the other great with other forms of communication.
NOTE: It’s always worth considering, in a vulnerable situation such as this, the possibility of having a third party present to support the conversation. A mediator or therapist can do wonders to help keep the discussion productive and positive.
3) Once you’ve created more clarity about your individual areas of focus, it could be helpful to define specific goals for each of those areas. If you know that an aspect of the business is being taken care of by your partner, and you also know that they have a deadline for the task, you’ll be taking things off your plate. One agreement at a time. More and more peace of mind.
4) Regular check-ins about the pacing and details of the business will allow you both to continue to alter your approaches when needed. It can make a huge difference just to talk out how it’s going, sharing how the pace and approach is working or not, and making adjustments along the way.
5) You may want to find a project management tool to support you both in managing business tasks. There are many, but something like Asana, Notion, or Trello might go far in supporting you in being able to visually see what’s ahead, as well as the layers of activities you’re each handling.
6) Given that you share a spiritual path, you could bring this to your practices. Depending on how you express your spirituality, you could add resolution of this issue to your prayer, meditation, gratitude, and/or affirmation practices. Or anything else that aligns you both spiritually. Spirit is the realm where miracles happen, so don’t forget to add this piece!
Of course, all of these are ways to work it out so that you might find a place of balance in your working relationship. One in which you each have peace about what both of you are up to!
If you try these, and there still seems to be friction (even if for only one of you), it’s worth seeing an outside therapist or coach to support the process. The main thing is that it’s imperative, for both your personal and business relationships, that you find your way to maintain authentic respect and appreciation of one another. Without this, nothing wonderful will be sustainable.
Remember to be gentle on both of you. Starting a new business can be stressful. Finding your way through all the details, as well as finding your way to working together, is a lot!
Wishing you both the very best in all outcomes,
Meli
What is your experience with working with a partner? Share your comments below!
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