Dear Meli,
I was in a spiritual community for about 10 years. For a lot of this time, I lived on site with our spiritual leader. I was married when I was in the community, and my husband and I lived there together. And now the tricky part. Our spiritual leader was a proponent of free love. Looking back, I think that this was mostly so he could have sexual relations with the women in the community. Unfortunately, I was one of the women he had sex with. As I look back on it now, I feel manipulated and ashamed. Neither my ex-husband nor I are part of the community anymore, in large part because of our leader’s behavior. Even though I am no longer in the community, I am having a hard time moving on. As I said, I have a lot of shame about my actions, even though I know I was coerced. Help!
Shamed Seeker
Dear Seeker,
I am so terribly sorry to hear about your experience. I’m happy you’ve gotten away from that situation, and I send you extra blessings in the healing and unraveling of your feelings around the time you spent there.
I have found that one of the things that can be so baffling in a situation like what you’re describing is the combination of emotions. Because I assume you were powerfully served by your teacher, especially before the complicated feelings from sexual abuse.
In my own experience, I find that I feel both deeply and eternally grateful for the evolution of consciousness, teaching, and blessings I’ve received from my spiritual teachers. The growth I experienced in the time I spent with one teacher in particular was filled with transformation after transformation. Each of those transformations changed me forever.
I also may be eternally haunted by the coercion and experiences that followed. I have done loads and loads of healing work around the experiences. But they will still have always happened to me. I feel angry at myself for ever succumbing to going against myself, enraged with the teacher for taking advantage of the dynamic of teacher/student, and creeped out that I participated in the predator/prey dynamic in any way.
Let me just point out here that any and all movement in consciousness is real. You are a perfect divine being, deserving of loving kindness and respect! If you learned, during your time with this teacher, that you are amazing, it’s true! All the validation of your divinity? TRUE! It’s important that you separate the Truth of your divinity, and your deepened understanding of that Truth from any teacher who would treat you this way.
There are lots of healing modalities that have supported me. Prayer and meditation, of course, always. Therapy and tapping have both been very helpful. (There are trauma specialists who specialize in spiritual or religious abuse.)
TRE (Trauma & Tension Releasing Exercises) have been extremely good for me. Any somatic healing modality can help release the physical trauma from the body, which is a key component. Somatic healing can allow us to get ourselves back into our bodies, in present time, these sacred vessels and holy temples of Life Itself, gifted to us over and over with every breath. These modalities and practices can be powerfully affirming and healing for sexual trauma.
None of the shame you feel belongs to you! Such situations include a power dynamic that gets created and then taken advantage of. There is a reason this is a prevalent experience, happening in so many authority/mentee-subordinate relationships.
Predators find places, or create them, for this very reason – so that they can take advantage of just such a dynamic. (Or if you want to be very generous, you could say they just find themselves in such situations, and are unable to not take advantage. Either way, it’s cruel and damaging.)
Sexual abuse in any situation is a gross violation of personal autonomy, and a severe offense with powerful, lasting impacts on a survivor’s mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
Sexual abuse by a spiritual teacher is an especially profound violation of trust because weaponizes sacred bonds. This is added spiritual and emotional trauma.
In other words, this is BIG STUFF and not your fault at all! That’s why it can be so confusing. Because you’re an adult and you were there. But also you were in a power dynamic that compelled you to participate in things that you would not have participated in otherwise! That is why the term predator is appropriate. Because the people who thrive on such dynamics look for targets, people who will be controllable. It’s dark and nasty stuff, this. And there are those of us who are more vulnerable marks, or targets.
There are common tendencies in those of us who are targets. These are not about weakness –just specific factors that predators actively exploit. Some of these tendences are:
1. High Respect for Authority
Deference, and/or a Trusting Nature – Those of us who have been trained to obey elders, teachers, and those in authority. Of course, this is a primary conditioning in society in general when we’re children. Some of us take the bait and are more trainable and, thus, more obedient and compliant. Predators use this ingrained respect to make us feel that questioning them is wrong or disrespectful.
Combine this with a generally trusting nature and wham! Perfect mark!
2. Desire for Validation and Mentorship
Any of us with a tendency to want or seek approval are going to be more vulnerable to those who are in a position to give it! Whether this comes from a current lack of validation at home or from a childhood of never getting it right, this same tendency is a perfect set up. Predators single out those of us with this trait and do what they can to make us feel special, creating an emotional dependency on them. (Yeah. Creepy. Right?)
3. Isolation and Lack of a Strong Support System
Any of us who feel disconnected or isolated, lacking close community, or are in a new environment are more dependent on the predator. They watch to confirm that we don’t have protective circles of peers or protective communities around us. This can be particularly tricky and messy in a spiritual community that is complicit with a teacher taking advantage of their students. There is no one to save us! (Except the predator, who will be there for us. Again, so creepy. And, again, NOT your fault! Just saying.)
4. Conscientiousness and Internalized Guilt
Highly empathetic or conscientious beings tend to internalize blame. Predators exploit this by manipulating situations so the target believes they are responsible for the abuse, keeping the victim silent out of guilt or shame. Add to this a fear of disappointing others? And voila! Perfect mark!
5. Youth, Naivety, or Developmental Vulnerability
Children, teenagers, and young adults are naturally developing their boundaries and understanding of power dynamics. They may lack the experience to recognize red flags. And the ideal adult targets are those of us who already had something like this happen to us in childhood, so our wounding is already in place, making for a perfect storm of vulnerability.
Each of these qualities can be powerful positives! I mean, I don’t mind being this person at all! Except for being a good mark or target to a predator. Then? Not so much.
Understanding that these very characteristics make me a good mark allows me to know I need to protect myself more carefully. I need to be more discerning and less automatically trusting than is my natural tendency. I think this awareness is a great thing to have in place.
Here are some of the positive aspects of these traits:
Respect for Authority
In my opinion, I’d rather be a trusting soul who tends to respect authority. As long as we don’t allow ourselves to be taken in by a predator. I am far less willing to trust an authority just because a title or position makes them an authority these days! But I’m still aware that this is my tendency and what I was taught from a very young age. I have high regard for this tendency, while also keeping it in check.
Validation and Mentorship
I don’t think seeking validation is, in and of itself, a bad thing. We live among others. If we want to serve, we will know if we are successful by the feedback of others. It’s when we need that, and allow ourselves to be manipulated because of that, that it becomes a problem. Knowing we have room to grow, and reaching for a mentor to support us? Also, not a bad thing!
Isolation and Lack of Support System
I think we all need strong support systems. We will be better off in so many ways when we find our people! But this is particularly tricky in a spiritual community that accepts the behavior of a sexual predator, couching it as somehow acceptable. It is not. The damage is horrific, and this kind of abuse is pathological. When we are surrounded by a supportive community of spiritual seekers, but they all agree that the authority figure taking advantage of some is okay? NOT a good fit!
Conscientiousness and Internalized Guilt
I think it’s fabulous to be conscientious! As long as we don’t need outside validation to know how we’re doing and we are aware that some people might try to exploit that. Internalized guilt can come from so many experiences, and I can’t think of a positive aspect to it unless it’s a willingness to take responsibility. Taking responsibility for things that are not ours to own? Not a good thing.
I lay this all out to you because I want you to see, as I did when I learned about this list of the characteristics of perfect marks, that some of us are ideal targets. Do any of these personality characteristics make you responsible for what happened to you? Absolutely not!
Is the perpetrator the only one responsible? Pretty much. I am not saying adult victims don’t play any part at all. Allowing ourselves to be harmed by any choices we may have made along the way is what they count on! We can look for and learn from anything we did to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. But only if it’s to avoid ever making the same error in the future. Not as a reason for taking responsibility for the harm done!
Now what?
Prayer and meditation are my favorite healing modalities. Especially in times when I feel confounded or stuck in any way, turning to your spiritual practices is key! Nothing can move us through better than our own connection to and relationship with Spirit, or whatever you call It. Nothing is quite a powerfully healing as the love that can only come from Source. And asking for that Love to pour through us, and whatever situation we find ourselves in is the very best practice I know.
But I also realize I’d be far less happy and balanced in my life without my regular forest hiking, and my beautiful communities of true friends.
Each and every thing we do to love ourselves allows us to more deeply know the Truth of our loving essence, and core innocence.
In cases like this, I think the primary focus of self-care, self-love, and nurturing are the very best things we can do to heal. Anything that loves you is going to help.
Allowing all of our feelings, including rage, about the past does wonders too. All of it. It will be a journey well-trod. And you are worth every step toward a more fully forgiven you!
Blessings and Love to you in every step along the way.
Melissa
P.S. I replied to this inquiry specifically written to me from someone who has already removed themselves from this situation. If you or anyone you know is currently being harmed, please direct them to RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 for completely confidential, 24/7 support.
Do you have experience with guru abuse? Please share your comments below.
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