Dear Meli,
I’m getting older. This should make me happy, right? I’m healthy. I have a great marriage. I have a wonderful relationship with my grown children. But I find myself looking at my aging body with despair. I know that I’ve absorbed societal views of aging, especially with regards to women. I know that Spirit loves me exactly as I am, including my aging body. At least, I know this intellectually. But I still find myself not happy in my older skin. Help!
Aging with Angst
Dear Angsty,
Congratulations on having co-created/received such a rich and rewarding life! And congratulations on staying around to enjoy it! And thank you for continuing to do your inner work to love yourself more unconditionally. I know that you know that will lead to you being more of a cause for love in the rest of your life. Your husband and children will be blessed by it! So thank you for writing and inquiring.
Societal messaging about what is beautiful is wild! Its power is undeniable. And the messages are completely random!
Our culture is so loud in its rejection of aging bodies – especially women’s. And that noise can cut deep. It’s not silly or shallow that you’re hurting. It’s real. You’ve been taught to measure your worth by youth, smoothness, and tightness. And now, as your body changes, it can feel like your belonging, your beauty, and your dignity are slipping away. And I know that you know that none of this is true!
The only aspect of aging bodies being less attractive that has any vague connection to truth is that of finding someone with whom to mate in order to procreate. We are wired, subconsciously, to look for a young-enough, healthy-looking mate with whom to procreate. In this way, we are inherently skewed to appreciate young healthy bodies.
But that’s not to say that there’s any reason to disregard, disrespect, or display anything but deep honoring of our elders, and the aging population.
Your body is not an ornament. It’s a sacred vessel. It has carried you through joys and heartbreaks, births and deaths, dreams and disappointments. It holds memory, wisdom, and mystery. It’s not less because it’s older – it’s more. More lived in. More powerful. More real.
The divine is not looking at you and saying, “Oh, what a shame, she’s wrinkled now.” Spirit sees the light in your eyes, the kindness in your hands, the strength in your spine. You are not an aging body – you are a timeless soul in a body that tells your sacred story!
There have been studies about how much more successful and happy younger people who engage with elders are. And it needn’t be relatives, either. Those of us who have travelled more times around the sun have so much wisdom to share. Just from having lived more life. What a blessing. For everyone!
That said, the way the media has portrayed the aging and elderly population is atrocious. We end up believing what we see, even when there aren’t words attached to the images. And we are presented with way more images of sick and ailing elderly than we are of thriving, healthy ones!
There’s a book that Z and I both love called, Breaking the Age Code, by Becca Levy. It speaks to this and more. Z and I have both read it. Z has read it more than once. And I will too. I plan to continue to read that, and read and watch any age-myth-busting materials I can as long as I continue to travel around the sun.
While we can’t help taking in some of the messages that are total B.S., we can remain aware of who’s talking in our own mind. We can notice what messages are being shared, and decide whether we agree with the voice or not. When you see or hear a message that implies you’re “less than” because of how you look, take a breath. Place your hand on your heart and/or your belly. Remind yourself: “This body is not wrong. This body is holy. This body is mine, a temple for my essence, on loan to me from Life Itself.”
We can learn to listen to our beings and our bodies with greater and greater reverence. We can continue to learn to stay with our body as a friend, not a judge.
Those of us who have gotten this far haven’t done so without already ignoring some B.S. in our lives. And those of us who have been walking a spiritual path for a while also have tools we know work for us. Use those. And keep finding new ones!
Meanwhile, remember, you are not failing at anything! You are becoming. You are still unfolding, like a flower in late summer – no less beautiful, just deeper in color, stronger in fragrance.
I am with you in this. So many of us are! You are not alone. And you are so, so loved.
Thank you for your loving Presence, all the work you’ve done and continue to do, and the vibration of Love you bring to the world – better than ever!
Blessings and Love to you in all you do!
In Joy,
Melissa
Thanks. I needed that. Sitting here on the cusp of 80, wondering what is next for me…your response reminds me that I’m still here!
Blessings, Rev. Suzanne
Hi Suzanne,
Congratulations for being on the cusp of 80. And yes, you’re still here! And awesome!
BIG Love,
Meli
Check out the song, “You’re Timeless to Me” from the musical Hairspray. It is a wonderful love song that magically turns “old” into “timeless”. When I look through my eyes of love, I am timeless and magnificent!
Hi Gary,
I will check that out. Thank you! And thank you for being YOU!!!! 🙂
BIG Love,
Meli
That aging thing is a big hoax.!! i with ya, with are wisdom bearers! with stories to tell.
Hi Vee,
I love the word hoax to describe all the myths about aging! 🙂
BIG Love,
Melissa
This is a beautiful reminder of who and what we really are. Thank you so much, Sharon
Awww. I’m so grateful to have been able to remind you! Thank you, Sharon! Hugs and Blessings.
Thank you Melissa for a delightful post. I am loving aging and doing my best at accepting the wrinkles. I know I have much to share with the younger world and I accept that responsibility. Love to you.❤️
Hi Kathy,
You are so very welcome! I LOVE knowing people (especially women) who are loving aging, and doing it consciously! WE, too, know you have much to share, and we are grateful to find ourselves in your circle of love! A lovely place to be. Love you.
This is spot-on! Thanks for speaking so clearly about what is True about our bodies as contrasted with the social stories about them. I miss the ease and function and looks of my younger body, but I love the idea that my body “tells (your) sacred story.” I also treasure a quote I heard years ago which was something like, “I miss my 20-yr-old body, but I wouldn’t trade my 50-yr-old mind for it.”
Hey Tom! VERY fun to hear from you here!
OOOOOHHHH! I have thought something just like that amazing quote so often! I’ll see some little fit, tight body run by on the trail, and just as the thought begins to go through….ahhh, I wish…it short circuits! NO! I do NOT wish to go back!!! LOL I am so grateful for the joy and oeace that I live in today. And it has been earned. Love you, sweetheart. Hugs to you both…
I have been and continue to be blessed with a healthy and strong body. Many of the younger women who strength train where I train look to me, a newly 80 year old, as an inspiration and as a representative of where they wish to be when my age.
This being an elder is a rich opportunity to serve as a mentor to younger people who are looking for ideas and sometimes practical guidance as they navigate their younger-life affairs. I find being 80 rich indeed!
Hi Jeen,
I LOVE this. So fabulous that you’re strength training as you enter your 80’s, too, and inspiring younger women as you do so! What a gift.
There have been beautiful studies about elder-mentoring programs that have stunning statistics for everyone involved – more happiness all around. So thank you for being a place of wisdom for those younger beings who are blessed by your Presence and wisdom. I celebrate your aliveness and joy, and am grateful for all you bring! Big hugs.
Thank you for this tribute to our “traveling around the sun”. I’ve been traveling for over 81 years now and am enjoying every “country” I am visiting and passing through. I had never thought of life this way, but LOVE the concept. Sometimes we enjoy the country we are visiting and sometimes, not so much. But, the knowledge we gain, more than makes up for the “way our bodies look as we pass through”, if we will only stop and be grateful for the journey. That gratitude brings joy and joy brings beauty. I am striving to be grateful and know that is so. And, So It Is!!!
Ahhhh, Nancy. This is a beautiful reply. Thank you so much. I am so glad you enjoy the concept of “trips around the sun.” I love the added concept of traveling through different countries! Z and I have a regular gratitude practice. The way I see it, the longer I am here, the more things I have to add into the practice of gratitude. I feel very blessed to live in so much joy. And to live with an awareness of the dinive in all. Sending you blessings for your own ever-expanding gratitude!
Right on! As a 66 yo musician, writer, performer, I often wonder how long? But the answer is always, “not yet!” Truth is truth no matter what the package is!
Hi Dianne,
Not yet! I love it. 🙂
BIG Love,
Meli
Thank you Meli! at 60 I love becoming. Looking forward to a trip to the library to pick up Breaking The Age Code. <3 Gaelen
Hi Gaelen,
Yay! I think you will really like the book. Let me know!
BIG Love,
Melissa
Thanks so much for suggesting the book. I just ordered it. Another great book for moving through the aging process with grace is, “The Well-Lived Life: A 103-Year-Old Doctor’s Six Secrets to Health and Happiness at Every Age by Gladys McGarey, MD.
Have a ‘magical’ and blessed day!!
Hi Patricia,
I think you’ll really like the book. And thanks for the tip on the other book. I will check it out!!
BIG Love,
Melissa