Dear Readers,

This is a post I wrote and posted on Facebook a couple weeks ago. And now I want to share it with you. 30 years clean and sober is turning out to be a huge milestone for me, changing me in countless ways. Enjoy!

Love, Meli

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30 Years of One Day at a Times

It has happened for me each July 29th for the past couple of decades. I have an acute awareness, throughout the day, of where I was that day. It was my last day of using. It’s now been 30 years. 30 years today.

30 years ago and one day ago, I awoke, as I had every day for that past year, committed to not using any drugs or alcohol that day. This was gonna be my day!

As the day progressed, the voices grew louder. “I made it this far in the day. So clearly I can do this any time. I don’t have to stop using today. I can stop any time! So I can just use today and then not use tomorrow.”

The difference was that this time, I had a new friend, Barry. This friend was sober after having been a deep-down alcoholic. He told me stories that I could hardly believe! And he was 3 years out of that hell. Sober, one day at a time. Happy and enjoying life in a way he never had before. I wanted that!

So, on July 29th, 30 years ago – I did something new. I called him. At 5:00 p.m., when it became unbearable, I called him. My lifeline.

Only thing was…there was no answer. I got an answering machine inviting me to leave a message. So I did. I said that I was sitting there with a joint in one hand and matches in the other. I had been sitting there like that for a half hour, struggling. And now I was probably not gonna be able to keep from lighting up and smoking. Which is exactly what I did the moment I hung up the phone.

This is what had become of my journey with drugs, with using. I had begun the dance when I was just 13 years old. In time, I turned to much harder things. I overdosed on many different drugs. Then I’d move on to another preferred source of escape. Running from myself, life, the pain of being alive…all of it. Running.

But 30 years and a day ago, a magical thing happened. My friend called me back.

I was stoned and crying about the fact that I’d failed again. What was wrong with me? This was merely pot. Most people said it’s not even addictive! But I had been trying, for over a year, to stop. And it was getting worse – the feelings of misery over my failing self.

My friend was textbook perfect in his guidance. “I have a suggestion,” he said. “You open to it?”

“Yes.”

“Look up the phone number for [a program that can help you] and call them to see when there’s a meeting near you tomorrow. Would you be willing to do that?”

“Okay. I can do that.”

“Then call me back.”

“Okay.”

So I got the number and found a meeting I could attend. Then I called him back.

“Great!” he said. “I have another suggestion. You open to hearing that too?”

“Sure.”

“I suggest you go to that meeting, okay?”

“Okay. I can do that.”

“And another suggestion?”

“Yeah.”

“Before the end of that meeting, you raise your hand and say that you are an addict. Do you think you could do that?”

“Yeah. I think I can do that.”

“And then, you say that no matter for how long, you need to leave that room with a phone number of someone who can be your temporary sponsor. Someone who will help you walk through the days without using. Can you do that, too, ya’ think?”

“Okay. I think I can. Yes. Okay. I’ll do that.”

And so I did. And that evening, 30 years ago yesterday, was the last day I used drugs or alcohol. One day at a time.

In the 30 years that have passed, I have become a brand new person. A few times.

I first figured out who the heck I was, as a person who didn’t use drugs and alcohol to avoid life and myself. This took a few years. I had been using through most of my teens and 20’s, those formative years when most people figure out a lot of things about themselves. I was obsessed with partying, and getting as high as possible on whatever was available. For many years – until after one particularly gnarly overdose when my heart stopped – I was that person who would take whatever you gave me, popping it into my mouth. Then I’d say, “Thanks. What was that?” My brother and I used together all through those years. We had a motto: Phillippe’s never say no.

I recently told a friend about this agreement between my brother and me. His comment? “That is a very bad motto.”

As the years went by, my using caused me more and more pain. It was hell. I wanted every day to be the day I became normal. The day I could stop. The day I could feel my feelings, and handle it.

That day came for me 30 years ago today.

Since then, I’ve become who I am. I’ve dived into my spiritual relationship with The All. I’ve had many friends who have loved me and supported me along the way. Friends who stayed by my side and loved me through it. Spirit was all over this the entire time!

In these 30 years, I got married, and divorced. I spent years as a music director and teacher. I spent lots of time and study getting clear about relationships. I got married again. I spent years deepening my spiritual life. I decided to surrender fully and become a minister. I realized I was gay when I met the love of my life. I decided to surrender to that as well. Oh! I’m GAY! Holy shit! Well, THAT explains a lot of things!

And so I got married again. One last time. And we both became ministers. And my wife is still The. Love. Of. My. Life! Right up on my list of best stuff ever, after The All. And me. And my sobriety.

One day at a time. A life gifted to me by Spirit. Better all the time. Seriously.

During these years, I have lost a few friends, both of my parents, and many layers of crazy thinking. I have overcome many of the beliefs that told me I couldn’t achieve anything. Including having an album of my music. Let alone 9 of them! And a book. And another of each on the way. And on and on…

The gifts don’t end. That’s what I see today. From here. On this side of drugs. That when they say “Anything is possible,” it’s true. I mean, as a literalist I have to say not everything, but almost! And way more than I would have ever believed possible. I am thinking I’ll be sticking around for a while, continuing to move my own self-imposed glass ceiling higher and higher. What fun!

So when I think maybe I am not capable of something, I need only look back at the younger version of me. She was certain she would never be sober and functioning as a happy, healthy adult. She would not have believed she could be debt free and solvent for many years, and madly in love, and GAY (LOL), with many CDs in release. She’s an author and minister, traveling around the world speaking and singing, and filming and editing videos – all with the passion and intent on bringing joy to others. What?

That younger version of me would have laughed in your face. Or, more likely, hit you and run away. And here I am, withstanding (standing with) radical joy, and an ever-increasingly fabulous life. This is what anyone can do! For sure. One day – one moment – one prayer at a time.

So grateful today.

What is your experience with addiction and recovery? Share your comments below!

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