Dear Meli,

 I have a cousin who I’m close with. We’re only a month apart in age and we grew up going to the same school. We also share something else – sobriety. At least, we did. I heard from my sister a few months ago that my cousin has started using again. I’m not sure what to do with this information. When I see my cousin, I haven’t seen any evidence of her use, but I don’t think my sister has any reason to lie. Do I say something to my cousin? Do I wait until I see evidence of her using? What should I do?

Confused Cousin

Dear Confused,

Congratulations on your sobriety! No small feat.

How beautiful it must be (or, have been) to share your sobriety with your beloved cousin! Makes it all the more meaningful. Right?

I’m so sorry to hear about the possibility that she may be using again. I imagine this is quite distressing and heartbreaking for you. For her too, of course. (They say “There’s nothing worse than a head full of program, and a body full of drugs.”)

If it were me, I would not say anything to my cousin. Not yet. Because, at this point, you’d be letting her know that others are gossiping about her. You don’t have first-hand knowledge or a personal experience to give you reason to question her. So I wouldn’t.

I know there will be some who would disagree with me on this. I am certainly not suggesting that this is “the way to go.” Just the way I would go. For now.

However, the information you’ve been given may serve you in the future. You might be more aware now than you would otherwise have been. Now, when you’re together, you might notice little things that you would’ve chalked up to other things. Tiredness, for instance. Sometimes, someone who’s high just looks really tired, or bummed out. But now, you would be justified, upon seeing her in such a state, to probe and question more. Even to express your concern.

Unfortunately, using addicts aren’t typically open to being questioned about their using. (As you may well recall.) This is true even when the person who is questioning them is someone who loves them. At least, that’s my personal experience. That is, at least until they’re ready, or very close to ready, to stop using.

The thing that’s so tricky about talking to one of us (an addict) who is not clean and sober, is that you’re basically speaking into a dark, endless pit of shame.

If you feel like you have something to say to someone in that position that might support them in getting out of that well of shame, great. Be there for her. Ask her how she’s doing. How she’s really doing. See if she opens up to you. And if you’ve personally seen questionable behavior, you could ask about that behavior. Asking in order to support her in “whatever she might be going through.”

Regardless of any right answer, I will say that the most important aspect of this, to me, is that she feels your connection. So, if you’re asking, be sure to be coming from the love and connection you have with her, not from a place of accusation. If you don’t feel ready to reach out with compassion, I’d definitely wait until you can!

Again, this is just my opinion. Sometimes the most loving act is going to be to reach out and have a conversation about this. Sometimes, it’ll be to love them where they are and say nothing, but to trust them in silence.

The bottom line to this is your own intuition. Checking in with your own heart and inner knowing will never lead you astray. If you know you’ll be guided when to speak, or inquire more deeply, you’ll be open to hearing your inner guidance (aka Spirit) tell you when it’s time.

Trust this voice! And lean into it as you begin the conversation. Take a deep breath, and drop into your heart before you ask anything. Stay there no matter the answer or where the conversation leads. Dropping into your heart, coming from loving connection, and staying connected to your inner wisdom throughout the conversation will never be the wrong way to go!

Wishing you both peace and blessings.

Melissa

What is your experience with sobriety and relapse? Share your comments below!

Got a question for Dear Meli? Write to Meli@OhMyGodLife.com.

Want Sneak Peeks, Insider Info, and other Fun Stuff?! Become a member of OhMyGod Life!