Dear Meli,
I am a pretty chill person. I trust in Spirit in all things, big and small. My husband, though? Not so much. He has a spiritual practice and believes that there is a Bigger Energy going on, but he is also a major worrier. He worries that we’re going to run out of money. He worries that one or both of us might get sick. He worries that earthquakes or fires are going to demolish our home. I try to help him let go of worrying so much, but it doesn’t really seem to help. I guess maybe I’m worrying about his worrying?! Can you help me?
Weary of Worrying
Dear Weary,
First off, congratulations on your degree of faith!. And chill. What a beautiful thing!
I’m sorry to hear that your husband’s worrying is creating weariness and stress for you. And I do think you were on to something when you said that maybe you’re worrying about his worrying. It does sound like the degree of his worrying is bothering you to the degree that it’s taking you off center from your own sense of peace.
Your description of him immediately made me think about the Enneagram! (A beautiful spiritual personality system that Z and I teach.) One of the personality types (The Six) has a tendency toward worry.
The thing about this type of person (whether or not I’m correct about his Enneagram number) is that they are constantly scanning the horizon for things that could go awry. The bad news? They get very stressed and scared about the things that could go wrong! The fabulous news? They avoid things that could go wrong! They sometimes see things ahead that others miss, and can avoid some challenging situations as a result.
I am not an Enneagram Type Six. However! I do have lots of Six in me! (The Enneagram is complicated and nuanced, but just know…I can relate to your husband’s experience!) The two main things I would say about this type of person that can help them are:
1) The very best thing they can do is to step into observer mode enough to be able to see the humor about this quality in themselves. I do not mean that they should change, or learn to “laugh it off.” I only mean that, as long as they’re seeing the possible tragedies ahead, they can also master the art of not taking themselves too seriously in the midst.
Along this line, I’d love to suggest that you might be able to support him in taking himself lightly. The trick is that you cannot pretend to do this! (Trust me. I’ve tried.) You have to really be not annoyed or thrown by his worry. But if you can get yourself to a place of loving entertainment…you know the place I mean…where you are adoring him and seeing the silliness of his habits at the same time. Then, if you gently and playfully comment, he might be able to see it too.
The first step in this process, of course, is you practicing in your own mind. See if you can get yourself to the place where you adoringly appreciate the funny nature of his habit. Only then can you say something playful and have it experienced as playful. Otherwise, it’s just going to hurt him, annoy him, or both.
2) The very best practice for someone who tends to worry is to learn to become more fully present. Given that your husband has a spiritual practice, I’m assuming that he is attuned to being present in at least some part of his day. You could invite him to come back to this Present, the rich and endless Now Moment, when he starts to spin out.
However! Again, the same holds true. This will only be helpful for you both if you can rise above judgement, and come from the place in you that loves him. Even in the midst of his spinning.
Perhaps you can hear in these suggestions a common thread: Reminding yourself of, and immersing yourself in, the love you feel for your beloved.
One great place to begin? Use his stress as a reminder to you to practice Presence and Love. Like an electronic alarm going off on your watch, allow his worry to be your cue to breathe. Tune in to how much you adore him. Think of all the times he’s been right, and you were able to avoid things others missed! Or, imagine you’re doing a little celebration dance inside your head – celebrating that he did it again. Or – better yet – celebrating that you have one another. Whatever it takes to keep your own energy and vibes up!
You will get better and better at this. And once you master it, from that place, you could say almost anything. He’ll feel your love and adoration in your tone and words. It will change the whole thing. If you’re able to feel connected with him when you do so, you could even ask him if he wants to connect with Universal Love and check in to see if the worry is still there – encouraging him to learn to better discern anxiety from intuition.
All this said, if you think there’s a possibility that his anxiety is stuck on high in a way that is chronic and causing him unhappiness, you might want to suggest that the two of you check out some spiritual practices that are more somatic. It may be that his personal psychology is not connecting to the gifts of his spiritual practice.
I hope this helps! All the best to you both in this journey.
With Love and Blessings,
Melissa
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