Dear Meli,
My drug of choice is food, especially sugar. For many years, I had it under control. And then came 2022. For whatever reason, I found myself back in the food. I don’t attend 12-step meetings, because they never worked for me. I do have a spiritual practice, which has helped me stay sober. But lately it’s not helping. Meanwhile, my partner, who also has a history of disordered eating, has also been acting out with food. His relationship with sugar, however, doesn’t seem to be as debilitating as mine. So I’m comparing myself to him and to my past self. No fun! I need some guidance and perspective on this!
Fed Up With Food
Dear Fed Up,
I’m so sorry to hear of your suffering! I also wish I couldn’t relate. But I, too, am a food (and sugar) addict. And if I ever eat it again, I suffer.
I’m grateful to hear of your depth of awareness and understanding around this! Even the understanding that comparing yourself to both the previous, more sober, you as well as your partner? Huge awareness! And in my experience around this, awareness is key!
I imagine you’ve had an experience like me in this way: Every time you eat in a way that doesn’t love you, it’s a little bit different. But there are also the similarities.
The things that stay the same for me are:
1) The regret I feel
2) The challenge to get “back” to my healthier way of eating
3) The comparisons that disordered eating seems to instigate
and
4) The shame
What changes for me is:
1) The degree to which I feel all of these things, and the degree of suffering
2) How quickly I get myself back to my more aligned way of eating, and my happiness.
I find that, for me, those two latter variances are directly related to one another! The more I beat myself up about “going off,” the harder it is for me to get back to my healthier, happier choices.
Because of this, I have made it my practice to be kinder to myself when I’m eating in lesser aligned ways.
There’ve been studies that show that for those of us who have an addictive reaction to certain foods, those reactions are completely brain-related! I mean, they are not weak-willed. They are not anything for which it makes any sense at all to feel ashamed. And yet, it is a completely normal, typical, reaction to feel ashamed! Crazy? Yes!
I have found that understanding this has helped me in not shaming myself. And not shaming myself has powerfully benefited me in being able to return to my balanced, happy-place with food!
Here’s something else that helps me in this. The foods to which we food addicts have reactions are almost always man-made, manufactured foods. I mean, I don’t know anyone who feels ashamed because they overeat carrots, or broccoli. But (trigger warning) pizza? Chips? A whole other story!
Our brains and bodies have not evolved with this kind of food in our natural environment! These are not natural foods! And so for most of us, our brains react in unnatural ways! Like wanting more when we’re not hungry, or not being able to abstain from doing what we know will lead to our suffering. (The definition of addiction…)
Given the over-stimulation of the neurotransmitters and hormones in our brains from these foods, we’re actually behaving naturally! ? Our brains are wired to want higher calorie foods. It’s a survival thing. And that is not a bad thing! It’s why your ancestors survived! But those same mechanisms didn’t evolve in a system with the manufactured foods we live with today. And those foods are everywhere!
In other words: It’s a set up! I do not mean to imply that it’s a lost cause. I just mean…it makes sense to give yourself a freakin’ break when you slip into old behavior and find yourself off track! So…
1) Be gentle with yourself, and let yourself off the hook of shame!
And then?
2) As soon as you can, gently or all at once (whichever one has worked most beneficially for you in the past), get yourself back to your preferred, healthiest, happiest way of eating! And then, even if not in a 12-step program, do your best one day at a time. (Or one moment at a time, when that’s what’s called for.) And…
3) Rinse and repeat. (Meaning, if it’s hard to get back on track, continue to be nice to you! And continue to do your best to get back to your happy food place.)
Loving yourself is at the center of this all. I can’t help but picture the Verizon guy…”Can I love me now?”
I suggest practicing loving your sweet lil’ self until your answer to that question is always an easy and resounding “Yes!”
And when you’re in a place of greater self love? There’s less shame. There’s more ease getting back to aligned eating. And there’s more aligned eating because you’re more likely to say “No” to foods that will cause the entire cycle.
Regardless, keep doing your best at the loving-you part. The rest will unfold as a result.
Wishing you the very best kind of sobriety: The kind filled with Peace and Joy.
With Blessings and Love to you in all you do!
In Joy,
Melissa
What is your experience with relapse and recovery? Share your comments below!
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Me too!!! Life long relationship with food!! Bingeing, purging,
hiding, guilt, shame, remorse. Ugh. My first recognition that it classifies as addiction came while I was at a training in my early 30s. A couple friends and I were training to support the middle school and high school kid retreats as part of the drug and alcohol prevention program. In the middle of a workshop…”O.M.G. that describes me and food!!!” Eye opening. It also opened my heart to more self compassion.
So here I am in my now 68 year old body, still dancing with food, body image, etc. And… what’s different for me now is I’ve learned some things that have helped and stuck. Traded in healthier fats. Traded out pastas. Learned i can eat sourdough bread without a gut reaction. I have learned to listen to my body and what makes it feel yucky.
I’ve developed a really effective self observer who’s not shy about speaking up. She brings a consciousness about eating those yucky-for-my-body foods BEFORE I eat them. Then I DECIDE whether or not to eat them. Sometimes that gives me the space to say no… it’s not worth the aftermath. Or, sometimes I say yes.. I LOVE this stuff… and I take the attitude to eat it with JOY!!! I may still have the physical aftermath but it is then not partnered with shame… only a wave of delight. And maybe my body uses it differently with joy??? Interesting concept.
Oh my goodness. My sister-in-food! Thank you SO much for writing this rich and wonderful reply! SO grateful for ALL this wonderful wisdom, added for all of us!
What a blessing (!!!) to have realized the addictive nature of food for yourself at such a young age. That makes such a big difference. (I had that myself as well.) It allows for years of “dancing with it” to find a personal way.
And YES, I have definitely heard and experienced that the energy FROM which we eat our food alters how it reacts in the body. Z reminds of that regularly, too. And, more than anything, I appreciate that you have found your way to honor your sweet self, and go to shame less and less! THAT is the BEST!
Thank you for your candid words. I know this dance very well. I support you and validate you and myself in this matter. ❤️
💕💕💕
As a life long food addict who has tried every single avenue of recovery I so enjoyed this writing. As an alcoholic (sober 30 years now) and a drug addict my life is one of renewal every day. At almost 72 now my body has taken quite a beating from my addiction to food (especially flour and sugar) but I have never given up on myself.
As a practicing Buddhist the teachings are giving me a method to self compassion and understanding. I can honestly say that I have never given up on myself and spend a lot of time in my recovery programs. Such a timely set of circumstances to have this come about right at this time.
Meditation and contemplation is the key and cornerstone of my recovery and exploring self compassion has become kind a new way of life for me. I share in the pain and suffering of all addicts in this world and wish only Metta to everyone, everywhere. Thanks again Melissa for speaking on this as it is the suffering in the world which can manifest itself in addictions. Many of us just want to escape this suffering and the myriad of ways to do that needs to be re-directed into Love and Compassion for all sentient beings. Much love and Metta to you all.
Steve
Hi Steve! How SWEET to hear from you on here! (I miss you.)
This is SO beautiful! I am so happy that you’re food recovery has continued during this time since I last saw you. Yay! AND I am also very inspired and happy for you that you’re being so deeply served by your Buddhist practices and life. What a blessing.
I, too, find that meditation and compassion continue to deepen my ability to be Present. And that is an ongoing opening, awakening, and blessing. A continual cycle of ever-evolving blessings, actually…even in the midst of challenges. Pretty amazing stuff, after having been someone who just needed to run from life for so long.
Thank you so much for your wonderful insights and added wisdom! So grateful for your recovery, and your life.
I love you, brother.
I find this extremely helpful. It’s so interesting to me that the 12 step programs for the r most part are about abstinence. Too bad we can’t abstain from eating. Since we can’t, we must create other solutions. Thank you to all for sharing and discussing this most important subject. I know for myself and everyone here that our relationship with food and our eating aligns with the divine and wholeness is revealed, right here and right now. I am so grateful for the fellowship of others, and the Law of Mind that always says yes. And so it is.
Beautiful, Michelle! Thank you!
And so it is, indeed! 💕
This conversation is so important and I am grateful for the authentic and brave comments above! Food is the most difficult substance addiction. I have found that a 12-step program is what is keeping me abstinent from eating the food to which I am most biologically, mentally, and spiritually addicted: flour/sugar/quantities. Knowing and admitting that I am an addict (and will ALWAYS be) keeps me in a state of humility. Having accountability with a sponsor and others who are like me in recovery has helped create parameters and boundaries. Relying on God (working the 12-steps one day at a time) to fill me, live me, breathe me, think me in a surrendered state keeps me reliant not on self, but a power greater than myself and seeing the daily miracles fosters my willingness to try it God’s way. Perhaps this way of life is not for everyone, but it has helped me grow spiritually, live healthily in my body, and relieve the mental obsession I have had with food. It has fostered a huge awareness, which has then been followed with measured action that is in alignment with the awareness. What I am left with is hope, faith, and trust. (No more shame, guilt, self-hatred!) Thanks Meli! (PS: I miss you)
Hi Tina,
How very wonderful to hear from you here! And all that you said is soooo well said! Congratulations to you on your ongoing surrender and recovery. What a blessing.
So happy for you that you have peace and joy (and you look great)!
BIG hugs and love to you. Hope to see you sometime soon!!!
Melissa