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Dear Meli,

My drug of choice is food, especially sugar. For many years, I had it under control. And then came 2022. For whatever reason, I found myself back in the food. I don’t attend 12-step meetings, because they never worked for me. I do have a spiritual practice, which has helped me stay sober. But lately it’s not helping. Meanwhile, my partner, who also has a history of disordered eating, has also been acting out with food. His relationship with sugar, however, doesn’t seem to be as debilitating as mine. So I’m comparing myself to him and to my past self. No fun! I need some guidance and perspective on this!

Fed Up With Food


Dear Fed Up,

I’m so sorry to hear of your suffering! I also wish I couldn’t relate. But I, too, am a food (and sugar) addict. And if I ever eat it again, I suffer.

I’m grateful to hear of your depth of awareness and understanding around this! Even the understanding that comparing yourself to both the previous, more sober, you as well as your partner? Huge awareness! And in my experience around this, awareness is key!

I imagine you’ve had an experience like me in this way: Every time you eat in a way that doesn’t love you, it’s a little bit different. But there are also the similarities.

The things that stay the same for me are:

1) The regret I feel

2) The challenge to get “back” to my healthier way of eating

3) The comparisons that disordered eating seems to instigate

and

4) The shame

What changes for me is:

1) The degree to which I feel all of these things, and the degree of suffering

2) How quickly I get myself back to my more aligned way of eating, and my happiness.

I find that, for me, those two latter variances are directly related to one another! The more I beat myself up about “going off,” the harder it is for me to get back to my healthier, happier choices.

Because of this, I have made it my practice to be kinder to myself when I’m eating in lesser aligned ways.

There’ve been studies that show that for those of us who have an addictive reaction to certain foods, those reactions are completely brain-related! I mean, they are not weak-willed. They are not anything for which it makes any sense at all to feel ashamed. And yet, it is a completely normal, typical, reaction to feel ashamed! Crazy? Yes!

I have found that understanding this has helped me in not shaming myself. And not shaming myself has powerfully benefited me in being able to return to my balanced, happy-place with food!

Here’s something else that helps me in this. The foods to which we food addicts have reactions are almost always man-made, manufactured foods. I mean, I don’t know anyone who feels ashamed because they overeat carrots, or broccoli. But (trigger warning) pizza? Chips? A whole other story!

Our brains and bodies have not evolved with this kind of food in our natural environment! These are not natural foods! And so for most of us, our brains react in unnatural ways! Like wanting more when we’re not hungry, or not being able to abstain from doing what we know will lead to our suffering. (The definition of addiction…)

Given the over-stimulation of the neurotransmitters and hormones in our brains from these foods, we’re actually behaving naturally! ? Our brains are wired to want higher calorie foods. It’s a survival thing. And that is not a bad thing! It’s why your ancestors survived! But those same mechanisms didn’t evolve in a system with the manufactured foods we live with today. And those foods are everywhere!

In other words: It’s a set up! I do not mean to imply that it’s a lost cause. I just mean…it makes sense to give yourself a freakin’ break when you slip into old behavior and find yourself off track! So…

1) Be gentle with yourself, and let yourself off the hook of shame!

And then?

2) As soon as you can, gently or all at once (whichever one has worked most beneficially for you in the past), get yourself back to your preferred, healthiest, happiest way of eating! And then, even if not in a 12-step program, do your best one day at a time. (Or one moment at a time, when that’s what’s called for.)  And…

3) Rinse and repeat. (Meaning, if it’s hard to get back on track, continue to be nice to you! And continue to do your best to get back to your happy food place.)

Loving yourself is at the center of this all. I can’t help but picture the Verizon guy…”Can I love me now?”

I suggest practicing loving your sweet lil’ self until your answer to that question is always an easy and resounding “Yes!”

And when you’re in a place of greater self love? There’s less shame. There’s more ease getting back to aligned eating. And there’s more aligned eating because you’re more likely to say “No” to foods that will cause the entire cycle.

Regardless, keep doing your best at the loving-you part. The rest will unfold as a result.

Wishing you the very best kind of sobriety: The kind filled with Peace and Joy.

With Blessings and Love to you in all you do!

In Joy,

Melissa

What is your experience with relapse and recovery? Share your comments below!

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