Dear Meli,
This is a little embarrassing. I know I’m too old be be saying this, but… My parents like my sister better and it hurts my feelings. And that’s the problem! I don’t want to be feeling this way. I want to be the bigger person and just let it go. But I can’t. It’s still hard. My parents spend a lot more time with my sister and her kids. They make plans with them that don’t include me. How can I let this go?
Sad Sibling
Dear Sad,
Ouch! It sounds like feeling hurt is a pretty healthy response, actually. But you certainly can also do healing work around this, and experience the sting lessen as you do.
Here’s what I mean. When we are triggered, it’s worth searching out the belief that is creating the feelings. I mean, the act of your parents favoring your sister isn’t directly the sting. There’s a psychological “step” in between. That step is your interpretation. There’s a story or an explanation of what you think it means that they do this. Therein lies the sting.
Imagine if this weren’t your family. Imagine that this was someone else entirely, inviting a friend on vacation and excluding you. You might think nothing of it because you think it’s fitting or right that you not be invited, based on your relationship. In all honesty, would you want to go on vacation with people who you don’t connect with deeply? Or you might feel a tiny twinge (if it were a surprise to not be invited, for instance) but then decide that their choice to exclude you gives you updated information about the relationship. Maybe you’d step back from the friendship after this.
What I mean is that the story-teller in your own head (the ego-self) is using the experience to validate an untrue belief. As I love to remind myself (and everyone else!): If you’re feeling bad, about yourself or someone else, you are telling yourself a lie and believing it.
For instance, let’s say it’s true that they do like your sister better than you. If this were true in any other relationship, I would venture a guess that you maybe like them less than your sister does as well. Maybe you are simply not quite as well-matched with your parents as your sister is.
But there’s another interpretation going on. You may have decided (this would’ve been a long time ago) that you can’t get it right enough for your parents – which you might have determined (incorrectly) was because you aren’t good enough to get it right for them. If you tried and tried as a kid to please your parents, and didn’t get the feedback that you had succeeded, this would be a typical interpretation.
But what if it was just that your parents were incapable of giving you the feedback you needed? What if they were just too overwhelmed or depressed (or any number of possible emotional or life experiences) to notice your needs at all? Then, you would have made an incorrect assessment of the story. But you looked for, and found, evidence of this belief over and over throughout your lifetime. Then when your parents invite your sister and not you, it’s evidence (one again) that you don’t measure up.
All because you used a child’s view of the world to explain why you didn’t get your needs met. And a child’s view always places the child as the in cause for whatever happened. But that’s almost never the Truth.
What can you do about this? You can go back into the memory of when you decided the lie was true. Be sure you do this from “above the experience,” so you’re not in it emotionally when you reassess. Then you can tell your child what she/he didn’t know that she/he needed to know at the time. What was the truth of the situation? What can you see with your wisdom and understanding of the situation from today’s viewpoint? Let this earlier version of you know what it is they couldn’t see through the lens of a child. As this child, breathe in this understanding.
We actually have a self-paced on-line class centered around this premise and approach. It includes a guided meditation in my voice that walks you through this very series of steps. The course is called Oh My God Radical Transformation. If that’s something that interests you, you can find out more about it HERE
Meanwhile, practice knowing that you are enough! Breathe that in. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you love you. Treat your self the way you want to be treated. Love you. You’ll get better and better at it. And your life will get better and better as you do.
Blessings and Love to you in all you do!
In Joy,
Melissa
What is your experience with sibling rivalry? Share your comments below!
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