Dear Meli,
Why do siblings who grew up in the same family have such different memories of their childhood? This might not sound like a spiritual question, but my sister and I, who are very close in age, have very different memories of our childhood, and this has really shaped us spiritually. She is a complete atheist, and this is connected to what she views as abuse from our parents. We definitely went through some hard times as kids, but she characterizes as abuse, I don’t see in quite that way. I’m talking about events where we were both present. Do you have any insight about this?
Spiritual Sibling
Dear Sibling,
Isn’t that such a strange (and cool) thing?! I love it when we have experienced something together with someone else, and then hear their very different version of the story. I have had this happen many times. And it is a totally spiritual thing. Or psychological at the least.
Here’s the thing. We are each the centers of our own universe. Think about it. Everything you perceive is comprehended through your senses and filtered through your beliefs. You see someone do something, and your tell a story in your head of what they’re doing, and maybe even why they’re doing it. But the stories you make up are based your concepts about life, the other person, and your relationship to them and the world.
Here’s an example:
Let’s say Z and I are walking down the street. We see a couple walking toward us. As they’re walking by, one of them scowls at us.
I might assume that they are trying to place us. Perhaps they’ve seen us on stage somewhere but don’t make the connection and we just seem familiar.
But Z has a history of people scowling at her when they were reacting to her androgynous appearance. She might assume that they are homophobic and are having a reaction to seeing someone so androgynous in their presentation.
When Z and I first got together, I didn’t see people doing this. But after she explained her experience to me, I started to notice it all the time. Actually, now I hardly take notice, but I assume it still happens. And sometimes I notice.
Anyway, we have completely different histories. So our assumptions about the persons’ scowl wouldn’t be shocking.
In this regard, your sister did have a different childhood. I have often joked that my older sister had a different mom than me. When my sister was born, she was the only child in the household. This lasted for her first three years. My brother came next, and it was the two of them for the next two years. But when I came along, my mom had a completely different experience of life, including managing all the household stuff that came with three young children.
When they say “we all have our own experience, and our own path to walk,” it’s completely true. No one else will ever experience exactly what you do. Each person is experiencing life through the filters in their mind that have come from their life experience.
We truly are completely unique individuals! How fabulous! This is something to celebrate. It can also make things challenging sometimes. In my experience, compassion is the best medicine for such situations. Interview your sister about her experience. Put yourself in her (baby) shoes. See if this helps to soften the edges of those seeming differences.
Blessings and Love to you in all you do!
In Joy,
Meli
What is your experience with siblings? Share your comments below!
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Meli, This was a great blog, and I agree with being “open” to the people we care about and talking with them about what their experiences are/were so that we can understand each other better. It has helped me so that I can “pause” when I hear my sister or partner share a different experience of the same event, and bring more understanding to what we both shared in that particular moment in time. Thanks for posting & Peace to All, Sam
Hi Sam!
I so appreciate hearing from you here. And I appreciate the reminder to pause in these situations where we are all experiencing something, but in our own ways.
Z and I just walked through an intense week, with the fires burning in and around our home town of Santa Rosa. My sister’s story about her getting to us as we all evacuated last Monday morning was a harrowing one. My brother, who is in a neighboring county, is now caring for our cat and my sister is staying at his home until the evacuation is lifted for her home. Our homes are all still standing. But as we are each experiencing “the fires,” and being directly affected by them, we are each having completely different experiences. Just another great reminder of what is always so – we are the centers of OUR stories…and sometimes our stories merge with others’ stories, but we are still having our own unique experience.
I love about this reminder because THIS is what creates each of us – every person on the planet – as a unique divine expression! Yay diversity! 🙂
This was an excellent question and a good answer. I once heard my elderly mother and her older sister arguing about the home and furnishings they grew up in in their parents home. The older sister saw everything as old and trashy and my mom thought their furnishings were nice. The older sister ended up the wealthy one of the 7 children, and the most conservative. Possession and appearances meant a lot to her; actually they meant a lot to my mother also. Even as an elderly woman, my mother didn’t want her sister to know she didn’t go to church, and wen to church with her when we were visiting to avoid her sister’s judgment .
Hi Susan,
Thank you for writing, and for the sweet shout-out and great example.
What a bummer that your mom lived her entire life trying to avoid the judgment of her sister. 🙁
I certainly understand it, though. My wish for you, and for me and for all:
May we learn to stand strong – in the face of potential negative opinions – confident in our own Truth and willing to withstand judgment in order to honor our own Integrity.
Love and Blessings,
Melissa
I came across this post after having a disagreement with my older brother. I sent him a message saying I had had a really hard night with my toddler who had refused to sleep. I kept having flashbacks of getting spanked hard as a little girl when I couldn’t fall asleep and refused to be comforted.
My brother responded that he has no memories of that- we were only spanked when we were defiant or rude as kids. His response made me feel hurt and question if I was lying to myself about my past.
I guess I just need to remind myself that the truth lies somewhere in the middle of my perceived memories.
Hi AJ,
Yes, it can definitely be confusing and invalidating to compare notes with our siblings about our childhoods.
I’m glad to hear that you are aware that your brother’s truth is not yours.
Your toddler is fortunate to have a parent who is looking at their own childhood!
Sending you BIG Love and Blessings,
Melissa