Dr. John Gottman, a relationship researcher, discovered four predictors of divorce. He calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. When couples display a high percentage of these “Horsemen” in their interactions, they have a much greater chance of eventual separation and divorce.

The Horsemen?

Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling.

An awareness of the four Horseman has been an invaluable resource for me in cultivating and maintaining successful relationships – be they personal, professional, or some combination thereof.

And, in response to Gottman’s research, I’ve found three Horseman Whisperers that are particularly effective in taming and tempering the rowdy Four.

My three Whisperers?

Money, Flattery, and Chocolate.

 

Kidding!

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with a little chocolate money that tells you how pretty you are. But sweet-talking chocolate money isn’t enough to tame the Horseman.

In order to curb those Four Bad Boys, some even more powerful forces need to be employed.

Enter the Three Horsemen Whisperers.

Actually, Horsemen is old-school.

Let’s call them Horse Peep Whisperers.

They are, in specific and particular order:

1. Kindness

It all starts with this one.

You can never underestimate the power of kindness.

And when it comes to the rowdy Four, kindness blows them all away.

It goes like this:

If cultivating kindness is my number one goal, I’m not going to be super critical (Horse Peep #1). Any communication that has a correction in it is going to be sweeter and more empathic.

Same with defensiveness (Horse Peep #2). Keeping a commitment to be kind is going to lessen my defensiveness, as there’s more awareness of the other person’s perspective, and not just my own.

And contempt (Horse Peep #3)? Well, that’s basically the opposite of kindness.

Stonewalling, the fourth and final Horse Peep, is the act of cutting someone off and refusing to communicate. When kindness enters the picture, even if I’m feeling like I need to take some alone time, I can articulate that need in a manner that is waaaay more considerate and waaaay less brusque than the slam-shut, lock-down of a classic Stonewall.

Yes, there are all kinds of things you can do to avoid the Horse Peeps, but I’ve found that keeping my friend Kindness at the center of my awareness goes a reeeeeeeally long way in keeping my relationships healthy.

And kind.

2. Humor

Like kindness, a little humor goes a long way in fending off the Rowdy Four and keeping relationships healthy.

But. It’s important to keep kindness in the mix when busting out the power of humor.

Humor can be cruel, and biting, and sarcastic. Or all three.

In other words, Humor can intersect with and support Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling.

So in utilizing humor as another Horse Peep Whisperer, it’s important to mix it with kindness.

My wife Melissa and I have been together eleven years. The longer we’re together, the more I appreciate the value of humor in our relationship, especially when it’s combined with kindness.

When she gets feisty with me, the best thing I can do is to bring some gentle humor to the situation. Same thing when the tables are turned, and I’m being critical of her.

Also, the best way to treat myself when I’ve gotten defensive or critical with her is to find the humor in it.

Being able to laugh at ourselves is not only a relationship strengthener and Horse Peep Whisperer, it’s fun. It makes the relationship a lot more enjoyable.

And funny.

3. Honesty

As I said when I introduced the 3 Horse Peep Whisperers, they are in specific and particular order.

It starts with Horse Peep Whisperer #1: Kindness.

When, and only when, Kindness is firmly in place, can Whisperer #2, Humor, enter the scene.

And now it’s time for Honesty, Whisperer #3, to join its friends Kindness and Humor.

Because let’s be real. Honesty alone? Without kindness or humor? It can actually strengthen the Horse Peeps of Relationship Apocalypse.

How often are criticism and contempt delivered with the nifty (and defensive) qualification: “I’m just being honest!”

Yeah.

But when kindness and humor are on board, honesty is such a powerful and effective Whisperer.

For me, it works like this:

Honesty lessens criticism because, if I’m being honest, I need to cop to my own insecurities that are fueling my need to be critical.

Honesty makes it harder to be defensive because defensiveness is, by definition, the act of not owning my part in the relationship dynamic. If I’m being honest, I’m able to see and take responsibility for my part.

Contempt is the act of treating someone with scorn. If I’m being honest, I can’t pretend that the other person in the relationship is the only one worthy of my scorn. This is where kindness and humor play an important part in keeping the Horsie Peep of Contempt at bay.

Finally, stonewalling is the act of refusing to answer questions or giving evasive replies. What does that have to do with honesty?

Nothing!

I rest my case.

Of course, there are other Whisperers that can be useful in maintaining relationship harmony.

Like… Time Away From Each Other So You Don’t Get Too Emmeshed and Drive Each Other Batty.

Or…  Not Responding Directly to the Question Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?

Or…  Not Dumping All Your Needs onto Your Partner in an Effort to Avoid All Responsibility for Yourself, for God’s Sake.

Those are also good ones.

But I cannot say enough about the Big Three: Kindness, Humor, and Honesty.

With those Horse Peep Whisperers on board, you have a great chance for some serious relationship harmony and satisfaction.

What’s your experience with Horse Peep Whisperers? Any to add? Share your comments below!

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