Dear Meli,

I have been a long time meditator and spiritual seeker. While this work has helped my life immensely, there’s one aspect of myself that stubbornly remains. That aspect is shame. I definitely feel better about myself than when I was younger. But I still feel like, at my core, there’s something wrong with me. Like I’m bad, or not enough. Saying affirmations hasn’t helped with this. And meditation has allowed me to be more aware of my shame, but it doesn’t seem to have changed it at all. Is shame something I just need to get used to having?

Stuck WIth Shame

Dear Stuck,

First of all, congratulations on all the work you’ve done already! Becoming aware of chronic shame means you’ve already uncovered lots of  stuff.

I think spiritual practice is magical. It feels powerful during the act, and expansive just after. And life gets continuously better from it over time!

That said, I have had the same experience you describe. Greater awareness brings with it, um, greater awareness. Uncovering repressed emotions, experiences, and beliefs can be uncomfortable – or excruciating! And then, there we are, aware of uncomfortable emotions and beliefs and sitting in the discomfort.

There are so many ways to address shame. I won’t pretend to address all of them here. But a few things I’ve done that seem to help are:

1. Acknowledging who is feeling ashamed. Usually, for me, this is my inner child. And, almost always, they’re feeling ashamed because of a story they’re telling that is about something in my past, seen through the lens of their child’s mind. When I can back away from the emotions, and rise above to a bird’s eye view, I’m able to see from a more expanded (i.e. adult) perspective. With the new perspective, I can speak to my child and catch them up on what actually happened, releasing the old story. I can also send my child the love they needed but didn’t get during the original incident or time. (Because there is no time in the mind, receiving the loving acceptance now heals the past, and unravels the residual shame).

2. When in a safe situation, be willing to share your experience with another. This is the hardest for me, but it also can be the most powerful. If I feel ashamed and I’m able to speak about it to someone in the moment (or even soon thereafter), their hearing me and responding with love and compassion is healing. The shame can dissipate very quickly. Of course, it is imperative that we’re conscious of who we try this with. But I’m continually amazed by how often my willingness to be vulnerable automatically triggers others’ compassion and kindness.

3. Talk to your shame. If someone else isn’t available to reflect love and compassion to your ashamed self, be that loving personfor yourself! You might even want to name your inner ashamed being. If you ask them their name, they may tell you. If not, you can pick a name, maybe one that creates a lightness to that part of yourself. Something slightly silly, without being dismissive or demeaning.

4. Stay the course. Allow the ashamed aspect of you to explain to you why they feel ashamed. If you approach it with pure curiosity, you might discover something you weren’t aware of. Or you may find yourself entertained by the insanity of their logic. (I’ve found, at times, that when I’ve tried this, the crazy reasoning was downright funny. And the shame spell was broken.)

5. Read books by the greatest Shame Hero of all, Brene Brown. A friend once told me they thought Brene Brown should wear a superhero’s cape. The more I read her work, the more I agree. One of the things I appreciate about her work is that she encourages us to differentiate between shame and guilt. When we are guilty about something, we can often take away a powerful lesson and grow in an empowered way. Shame, on the other hand, is disempowering and leaves us feeling stuck. When I find myself turning guilt into shame, I’ve been able to work that backwards and find my way back to the truth. For instance, I can say to myself, “I made a big mistake. I never want make that mistake again! What could I do differently to never have that happen again?” I’ll almost certainly find valuable take-aways from this line of questioning. Compare this to my inner dialogue when I stay stuck in shame: “I can’t believe I did that. I’m such an idiot. I totally suck. I’ll never get it right.”

Years ago, I had an experience that beautifully demonstrated to me the difference between guilt and shame.

My ex and I were leaving the house – right on time – to head to my mother’s for a holiday celebration. Just as I was shutting the door behind me, my phone rang. It was my mother (cue scary music). She said, “Where are you two?!” I immediately got defensive and said “You said to be there at 2:00!” “No I didn’t!” she said. “I said we’d eat at 2:00!” The rest of the call was brief but heated.

On the way to my mother’s house, I remained defensive and angry. My ex was wise enough to remain curious. And as I talked it out, I said “I would never think we should arrive at 2:00 for a 2:00 meal! I know she said to be there at 2:00.” And then, because I was practicing conscious curiosity, and because my partner was not judging me, I had the awareness to dig deeper. I heard myself say, “I feel ashamed that we’re arriving at the time of the meal.” Then I heard my ex say, in a tone loving enough that I could let it in, “You didn’t say that to your mom. You just sounded defensive.”

And then my mind went bat-sh%$* crazy for a few minutes. But I remained conscious and curious of the dialogue. Finally, I heard myself thinking, “So…I did it again. I totally screwed up, as usual. I’ll never get it right!”

I responded by asking that voice, “What would it look like to finally get it right?” And I heard the very clear answer, “Never make another mistake again for the rest of my life.” At that, I burst out laughing.

At this point, my ex thought I’d lost it. I’d gone from angry, to ashamed, to bursting out laughing in a matter of minutes, all the while toodling down the road to my disapproving mom’s house. When I explained it, we both laughed.

What was really beautiful about this story was that upon arriving at my mom’s, I was able to walk in and say, “I’m sorry I was defensive on the phone. I was ashamed that I got it wrong.” To which my mother, suddenly softened, replied, “Oh, honey. It’s fine. I’m just glad you’re here now. And we’re going to eat a little later than I’d planned anyway. So it’s just great you’re here.”

What?!

And that was it!

I’m not suggesting it’s always this easy. Or tidy.

But I am saying that as you hang in there and keep allowing the Divine to love you, and allowing this to trickle down into self-love, shame will have less of a hold. It sounds like you’ve already experienced this. The more you stick with it, that Truth of you will continue to be more accessible and visible. And the Truth of you won’t withstand shame, because it’s not true. They can’t coexist.

So, hang in there. And continue to try new approaches – new ways to deepen in the knowing of your Divine nature. Your Divine nature is Love itself. And in the heat of that love, shame will melt.

Meanwhile, know that we are loving you! And knowing your Truth even when you can’t.

Blessings and Love to you in all you do!

In Joy,

Melissa

What is your experience with releasing shame? Share your comments below.

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