Dear Meli,

I am the proud mom of three adult children. All three of my kids have children of their own, and I am so grateful to be a grandmother. Two of my kids are great parents. The other one? Not so much. At least, in my view. She seems incapable of setting boundaries with her children. No consequences. No time outs. Nothing. As a result, her kids run wild. It can be hard to spend time with them – both my daughter and her kids – because everything is so chaotic. I know better than to say anything, but it’s really difficult for me. I rarely get to spend time with just the grandkids, so I haven’t been able to set an example of another way of parenting. It’s almost getting to where I don’t want to spend as much time with them, which breaks my heart. Any thoughts on this?

Galled Grandma

Dear Galled,

I am so sorry to hear about this challenge. It sounds painful and difficult, indeed.

I know it’s heartbreaking to watch someone parent little ones you care about in a way that might make the child’s future difficult! Even still, I agree with you about not saying anything. I think the most you can do is set your own boundaries with them. And, most important of all, love them unconditionally.

If this means that you need to spend a little less time there, then so be it. Whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and remain in a state from which you can be loving with them!

You might suggest helping their mom out by giving her a break now and then. When they’re in your care, you can be the one from whom they learn boundaries and consequences.

I know we each have our own concepts and beliefs about life and our parents. But I personally find it reassuring to remind myself of one such theory. The theory is that as souls, we chose our parents. We even choose some of the challenges we will endure. We choose what is best and right for our soul’s next evolution.

Reminding myself of this helps calm my stress and sadness when looking at others’ difficulties. It’s not an excuse to turn a blind eye. But it can be helpful in times when I know it is not my place to intervene or help in any way.

These children will grow up to learn about consequences eventually. That’s how life works. There are consequences. Everything we say and do has rippling effects that change our world. We are always seeing the results of our previous choices in the way our life looks. It may be hard for these little ones, learning about consequences or self-discipline later in life. (It was for me!)

But we all have our challenges. Every life is filled with opportunities to grow and evolve. This may be just what they need to learn in this life. For example, they may need to learn discipline and focus as adults. (Not an easy path!) I’d recommend you remind yourself of this to help to keep you in a more positive state in their presence. You can think of it as a practice of honoring and respecting their sweet souls’ choices.

At different ages, there may be other things you could employ, if you’re able. For instance, if you could afford such a thing, there might be great summer camps you could send them to. Somewhere where they’d be in the care of someone else, but a more likely regimented and organized system.

And remember that showing up as a healthy and highly-functioning adult in their lives does make a difference to your grancdhildren! Even if it’s not conscious for them. They are observing you. Taking note. Learning from you just being who you are.

So be the best you that you can be with them. The love and connection they feel from you will help them in their years of learning self-discipline, and any other difficulties they face! You do make a difference in their lives. Your love is healing, now and forever.

Blessings and Love to you in all you do!

In Joy,

Melissa

What is your experience with the parenting of others – including family members? Share your comments below!

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