Dear Meli,

This is embarrassing. I have a nemesis. I am a visual artist and have been my whole adult life. I have actually made a living being an artist, which is something I’m proud of. Back when I was first starting out, I met another artist I’ll call Nick. Nick was just starting out as well and we bonded over all things artistic. We started out as friends, but over the years I’ve found Nick to be something less than honest. He has straight up lied to my face on several occasions, including about art shows and other events where we’ve been in competition for limited spots. Also? Nick has had a more successful career than I have. I’ve done well, like I said, but Nick always seems to be doing just a little bit better. As you may have gathered, Nick is living in a penthouse, rent-free, in my mind. I can’t stop comparing myself to him. I can’t stop beating myself up for not doing as well as him. I can’t stop fuming over the things he’s done to sabotage me. Help!

Anguished Artist

Dear Anguished,

Ouch! This sounds really tough! My heart goes out to you.

However, I’d like to suggest you release the idea that you have anything to be embarrassed about! I think it’s a very normal human thing to compare ourselves to others. Or maybe that’s just me and all the people I know?

The trick is to catch yourself when you realize you’re comparing, and switch channels – or at least alter the narrative as much as you can.

There’s a saying I’ve heard often. “Comparison is a down payment on suffering.” I believe this is true.

Even if we’re comparing ourselves and coming out on top! It will lead to our suffering. Why? Because you – and your life and each of its parts – are completely unique. The moment we look outside ourselves to see how we’re doing, we’re not present. You know. Like here. Now. In you. In your present experience.

Of course, I can say all this. Do I always succeed? No. No, I do not.

But I can tell you that when I start to look at others’ lives to check out how I’m doing, I most often catch myself. (Because it’s painful! And the pain wakes me up.) And then I have tricks I can use, and usually use successfully. Here are a few of them:

1) Remember the Horse and Blinders Practice. Here’s what the internet says about why horses wear blinders: “Horses wear blinders (called blinkers) in races to prevent them from being distracted by movement or objects in their peripheral vision, keeping them focused on running straight ahead and minimizing the chance of them getting startled or nervous during the race, which could affect their performance. Essentially, blinders help the horse concentrate on what’s directly in front of them.”

This is one of my top favorite things to bring to mind in those moments of envy or competition. It helps me remember that I am running my race! I can’t live their life just as they can’t live mine. I need to focus my attention on my lane.

It helps me to remember to bring myself back to the present. With my life. And my activities. And the next most beneficial steps to take for my life’s improvements. To get back to me. Cuz I will never find happiness, or even the joy of accomplishment, by watching others do their thing.

And this reminds me of another thing that I like to keep in mind:

2) I believe that I chose to come into my life. More accurately, I believe that my soul chose my life’s opportunities and challenges in order to allow for the highest and best evolution of my being. My life’s circumstances are the exact and perfect set-up for exactly what I am going to be most served, or blessed, to learn. No one else has the same exact purposes for their soul, even if some of the circumstances are similar.

For instance, you can both have the same career but one of you is learning humility and the other is learning how to take action in an accountable way.

I remind myself that I get to learn and grow in all the perfect ways by my circumstances, exactly as they are! Heck! It might be your soul’s gift to you to allow you to learn to stay more focused on your own career in relation to this person! That might be one of your life’s opportunities that will most serve your highest being. The fact that you are wrestling with this might be just what you’re supposed to be doing for your greatest evolution! (In which case, congratulations?!)

3) I imagine how I would feel if I were them. But I mean fully them, with their entire life. Not just selecting out one portion of their life.

This has often surprised me. By doing this, I almost always realize, I would never actually wish I were that other person if I needed to take on their entire life! I was only pining for one little segment.

For instance, how do you think you’d live with yourself if you treated someone the way this person has treated you? (The answer, almost always, for me is – NOOO thank you!)

4) Ask yourself what all the benefits of this situation might be for your soul. How might this exact situation be giving you the perfect opportunity to learn something(s). Maybe healthy, smart boundaries. Forgiveness without abandoning those healthy boundaries. Inspiration. (Maybe their presence in your life has actually been an inspiration for you. In your career, or in your determination to not treat others the way they’ve treated you.)

5) Finally, forgive me for this one. It’s not my favorite. But it’s one of the best:

Pray for them. Pray for their highest good. Send them love and light and blessings.

The love sent will bless your sweet heart. (That’s just how it works.) And you deserve this!

Blessings and Love to you in all you do!
In Joy,
Melissa

What is your experience with comparing yourself to others? Share your comments below!

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