Dear Meli,
I’m in love! I met him at a spiritual retreat a year ago and we’ve been together ever since. But there’s a problem. My family doesn’t like him. My friends do, which is really more important to me. But I live near both my parents and two of my siblings, and we have frequent family get-togethers. My new sweetie is loud and effusive and my family is not. I can see that it’s not a good fit for them. But it is a good fit for me! I think he brings out a lot of things in me – emotions, passion, devotion to spirituality – that my family doesn’t understand. I’ve tried talking to members of my family about how great he is for me, but I can tell they’re not having it. My sweetie and I are planning on getting married in the next year, and I want my family involved in the wedding, but I don’t want their attitudes to put a damper on things. Any ideas?
Suffering Sweetheart
Dear Suffering,
Congratulations on finding your person! Love is such a beautiful thing.
I’m sorry to hear about your family’s reaction to him, though. I certainly understand that some families have more of a tendency toward quiet or calm. But it is your day-to-day life we’re talking about here!
I would be far more concerned if it were your friends that had a hard time with him. Your family is who you’re dealt, but your friends are your chosen peeps. They are the ones who are more likely to be able to recognize someone who’s right for you.
And yet, I understand the challenge of not having your family of origin’s approval. That can feel terrible.
I think it comes down to being extremely clear. Consciously choosing. What matters most to you?
For some, having their person be a great fit with their family would be a high priority. Maybe even a deal-breaker.
Honestly ask yourself. Are you that person? Is this going to continually bother you? Or wear you down through your years together?
You certainly can’t make anyone like someone else. So you have to assume it won’t change, even though it is possible they’ll fall in love with him through the years.
Given this assumption, who do you choose? Your person, who sounds like might be your perfect fit? Or your family?
What I mean to say is that if you choose to spend your life with someone who you know is right for you, and others don’t agree, who are you going to trust? Yourself? Or them?
Unfortunately, it may be that marrying this person might eventually lead you to spending less time with your family, or going alone to those gatherings. Unless you figure out how to enjoy the time together, while aware that they might be judging your partner. Something to bring into the mix while you’re making that conscious choice.
Many of the best things in life have an aspect that is less than ideal. This doesn’t make the thing less wonderful, just a little more complicated.
As long as you’re clear about your love, it sounds to me like you already know how to move forward toward your greater happiness. May you find your peace in the midst of this love and joy you’ve been gifted! (Your family will see your joy, regardless of all else!)
Blessings and Love to you in all you do!
In Joy,
Melissa
What’s your experience with conflicts between family of choice and family of origin? Share your comments below!
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