Dear Meli,

A few years ago, I got out of a toxic marriage. I am so grateful that I had the courage to leave. It took a lot to remove myself from the whole situation, but I did it, and I’ve grown a lot since then. Which brings me to my current dilemma. I’m currently infatuated with someone new. It’s been a long time since I’ve had feelings like this for anyone. We dated for a few months, at which point he said that he wasn’t ready for something serious and broke up with me. It totally blindsided me, and I’m still not over it. Even worse, I’m still pining after him. I hate this feeling, but I can’t seem to shake it. We’re not in contact anymore, but I find myself checking out his social media daily, even though it just makes me feel worse. Help!

Hopelessly Devoted

Dear Devoted,

Ahhh, unrequited love. One of the most challenging and painful experiences!

But first, let me congratulate you on leaving your previous toxic relationship! It takes so much courage, strength, and faith to extricate oneself from such a thing. I celebrate all it took for you to disentangle yourself from that, and exit with your heart intact.

And that is only one of the many gifts of this new experience you’ve had. You now have evidence that your heart is still willing. You are not jaded and shut down. Because to love – even without being loved back – is an act of courage and beauty. It means your heart is open and alive. That you are capable of connection, of devotion, of seeing something true and beautiful in another human being. That’s not small. It’s sacred. And this is an additional feat to celebrate! Not only did you leave a misaligned situation, but you did so with your heart, and your faith, intact. Congratulations!

I do understand that unreciprocated feelings can be extremely painful and triggering. And I am sorry that you are experiencing this aspect of the single life, but this is only one of many possible experiences available ahead for you. And I know that if you keep doing your inner work, as you have clearly been doing (as evidenced by your newfound freedom to be dating), you may well have a beautiful love ahead!

What I mean is this:

You have gone through so much growth to leave your previous relationship. It takes so much transformation to evolve from being someone who stays in toxicity to someone who has the strength and courage to walk away. And the biggest thing it took was you becoming clear that you deserved better. And you do!

It is a continuing evolution of this very transformation that will bring you to more pleasant future experiences.

The reason unequal relationships feel so painful is what we decide it means. We take the “rejection” as “evidence” of whatever wounding lies in wait. What I mean is that we all have painful unconscious fears and/or beliefs that we are unworthy and not deserving of goodness and love. When someone we care about doesn’t seem to have the same feelings, it awakens our worst fears or beliefs, and our unconscious mind plays a little recording (for lack of a more eloquent metaphor) in our minds saying, “See? You were right all along. You aren’t truly lovable.”

It’s the worst! Because that belief, or to put it more accurately, that lie, is so old and deep and dark. It goes way, way back to our fear of survival, in fact. For if we are, indeed, unlovable, then we will surely die alone. I’m not saying any of this makes sense or is logical or conscious. It is not! But that is the lie that plays out.

The lie says this: I am unlovable. Because I am unlovable, no one actually cares about me. Because nobody truly cares, I’ll be left alone. Left alone, eventually, I’ll die. Alone and miserable.

I want to be very clear that I am not in any way negating the validity of your pain! The feelings are real! The most real, in fact!

I am only saying that they are laid on a foundation of un-truth. Taking this in mind, one could take an eagle’s eye view of your situation and follow this logic:

1) I am a divine child of the one, infinite loving Presence. I am beautiful because I am that Love incarnate! This is simply a fact. Even with all of my unconscious complicated opinions and, dare I say, darkness, it is still Truth. I am All That. Spirit in a body.

2) There will be others in this life, while I am here on earth, in a body on this time-space continuum, with whom I am fully and beautifully aligned. When in their presence, and after spending time with them, I will feel the most alive, safe, and seen. These are my people!

3) If there is anyone with whom I have any other experience (whether of my own discomfort of any variety, or because of theirs), I can be sure that they simply are not my people.

4) I may well feel sad and disappointed about this, for finding my people is a fundamental human quest. But, in reality, it is a blessing when someone not aligned sets me free to find my vibrational peeps!

5) The more I love my sweet self, and know – absolutely – that it is appropriate, fitting, and right that I have my aligned family in my life, the more I will be an emanation of my authentic self, a beacon for them to find me! So I practice knowing this Truth.

Again, I want to be clear that I am not minimizing the validity of your sadness, pain, or disappointment. I only mean that someone deciding that they are not in your vibrational-alignment-family means they are, in fact, not in your vibrational-alignment-family. Because we are only ever going to be happiest with people who see our magnificence as we see theirs.

Their not experiencing the relationship as one of alignment is completely not personal! It is not, in fact, any reflection upon you personally, and certainly not evidence of your unworthiness. (IMPOSSIBLE!)

I am also NOT suggesting you talk yourself out of feeling your grief with this logic. Feelings first. Please do let yourself grieve! But also stay present with your beautiful heart. Allow your willingness to love to be a blessing for your own soul, as love is never wasted and never a mistake. In the midst of the feelings, offer yourself the same kindness you felt toward them.

It might be possible for you, even in the midst of grieving the loss of your dreams about this person, to imagine you are looking at someone else’s experience of this kind. If you can imagine someone you adore being rejected in this way, you can probably more easily understand the logic I’ve used. It is only (again, not to minimize, but to speak truth to it) because of internal beliefs of your own unworthiness that it feels as terrible as it does.

And…

I have been where you are! I will likely be there again, even if simply with friendship or being treated unkindly by a customer service representative. None of it feels good. And the feelings are real and true. I only mean to shine a light on the source of the deepest of them, in hopes that you can see:

You are beloved.

The divine absolutely adores and cherishes you.

Spirit does not question your deservingness of the best love, the most fulfilling friends and community.

Because you are magnificent!

And that is the simple Truth.

I am with you in this, sending love to your sweet, loving, beautiful being! Celebrating your open heart,

Melissa

What is your experience with unrequited love? Share your comments below!

Got a question for Dear Meli? Write to Meli@OhMyGodLife.com.

Want Sneak Peeks, Insider Info, and other Fun Stuff?! Become a member of OhMyGod Life!