Dear Meli,

I am newly back in the dating world after divorcing my wife last year. I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing! Case in point: I recently met someone. She’s really bright, really funny, and really kind. But she’s not at all into spirituality. I’ve been on a spiritual path for many years and it’s an important part of my life. But I’ve always said that kindness is the most important thing to me, and she is very kind and very easy to be with. I tell myself that everyone is ultimately spiritual, whether they know it or not. Still, I’m not sure if she’s the right fit. Any thoughts on this?

Doubting Dater

Dear Doubting,

Congratulations on rallying the courage to “get back out there,” as they say. That’s gotta be a daunting move! And yay for you, meeting someone kind and fitting… maybe.

You know, I think this is such an individual, case-by-case experience that I’m not sure I have much to say. But I’ll share the thoughts I do have on the matter.

The main thing I’d say is that – and this is so much easier said than done, I think – allowing lots and lots of time before you decide anything final about a long-term relationship is going to be your best bet. In particular, I think that for some, it really might feel like a deal-breaker to not be able to share such a central aspect of your life. However, for many, I think kindness would remain the central most important factor, outweighing the need for an exact spiritual connection.

I have a friend whose wife is completely on the other extreme end of the spectrum in her political beliefs and alliances, for instance. I mean, I don’t think this would work for me. But it is not at all in the way of his very long and happy marriage! Like I said, it’s so subjective and totally depends.

I think if you spend plenty of time with your new potential sweetheart, and as you go off alone to your spiritual events and community, you pay attention to how that feels to you, the experience itself will give you your answer.

Sharing the fundamental values of kindness, honesty, gratitude, and compassion might override the need for a shared community, or shared specific experiences. As you’re getting to know her, you can ask questions about what she does to stay grounded or connected, or how she makes sense of challenging times. In this way, you can deepen your understanding of some of the same territory without calling it spirituality.

As you share more experiences, and get to know her more deeply, you’ll also be noticing how you feel after having spent time together. This, to me, is the most important thing of all! This is what I would observe to ascertain my final answer.

I know it’s scary to invest your heart and time into something you aren’t certain of. But maybe that uncertainty will keep you just distant or protected enough. And, if not, maybe it’s because you’ve fallen in love, and nothing else seems to matter at all. And then, that’s your answer!

I will say this: Please do not allow your new relationship to pull you out of your community, or away from your people completely! Adding a love-filled primary relationship to your life is such a wonderful thing, to be sure! But nothing is worth losing your spiritual community. That’s my opinion on that.

Blessings and Love to you in all you do!

In Joy,

Melissa