Dear Meli,

I am a happily married woman. Or at least, I used to think so. Lately, I have been feeling less attracted to my husband and more attracted to, um, just about everyone. Well, not everyone. But I’m finding myself attracted to other men a lot. Some of them are guys I know, some are guys I just notice. It’s kinda freaking me out. I don’t feel comfortable talking to my husband about it, because I afraid he’ll feel threatened. Do you have any words of wisdom for me?

Worried Wife

Dear Worried,

Thank you for writing. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been stressed out about your current…um…sexuality experiences.

I am going to assume from your note that you have been attracted to, and have had good chemistry, with your husband in the past. I think this is key. Recreating an energy where you’ve already had it is much simpler.

I am also assuming that you’re in a mutually exclusive, monogamous relationship. (If not, I imagine this note would be unnecessary.) I say this for other readers, some of whom may feel totally fine with acting out the fantasies. In a relationship where this is the agreement, this is perfectly not a problem!

First, though, please don’t judge yourself for the experience you’re having! This judgment is at the root of the suffering you’re experiencing. We are humans, who live in bodies, and feel things. Sexual body things. For other humans. This is a healthy and good thing.

It’s what we choose to do with that energy that matters. Respecting commitments and agreements, asking our partner to help us meet our needs when they can, and being respectful of other people along the way. If you’ve managed to maintain these things, there’s nothing to feel angsty about!

This can be an invitation, a wake-up call if you will, to turn your attention to your relationship. To cultivate a deeper connection there.

That sexual energy coursing through you is exciting and wonderful. Something is moving through your being! Creativity is wanting to happen.

Here are some possible things to consider:

1) Find outlets (or even just one) for that energy that will allow you to remain in integrity with yourself. Dance, sing, paint, make cards, write. Create. Allow yourself to express your sexy self in whatever ways feel good and in alignment, long-term.

2) Remind yourself what you love and appreciate about your husband. This might include talking to him about your desire to bring more fire back to your relationship. I personally think it would be wonderful to share your experience. But you certainly know your husband better than I do! So if you are concerned about how that might affect him, just share about what you want to have with him. Ask him if he’s willing to explore ways to bring the fire back. This could include things like:

a) Hug more often. Consider hugging naked. Skin-to-skin contact is healing and beautiful, and a great way to connect deeply with our person. Even if it doesn’t lead to anything else. Just touch more.

b) Make a list of the things you most love and appreciate about him. Consider doing this together and then sharing the lists. It can be fun to make a list, specifically, of the reasons you fell in love with one another, too.

c) KISS! Not the way you’d kiss your grandma. Kiss one another the way you only kiss one another. This has been shown to be a key formula for keeping sexual chemistry alive in relationships. A mini-make-out session to say goodnight is all it takes.

d) Play, or practice a hobby you used to share together.

e) Find funny, or particularly sweet or beautiful, things to share with him.

f) Look for and notice the little things you have, and the little things you appreciate about your husband. Every day. Consciously cultivating your gratitude will go a long way in bringing your attention “back home.”

g) Perform small, unexpected kindnesses for your husband. This can reignite feelings of affection.

3) Soul-search. What is it you are finding attractive in these others? What is it you think you’ll receive or experience that you haven’t been receiving or experiencing in your marriage? This might help you discover what you need that you haven’t been getting. Intellectual stimulation? Laughter? Affirmation? This clarity is key for you and your husband to be able to address your needs, and fill them, directly.

4) Allow yourself to experience the joyful feelings of your body and/or mind being attracted, but maintain healthy internal boundaries. Keeping your mind from fantasizing about another but redirecting that energy back to your husband will keep you from creating problems.

5) Always, I come back to prayer and meditation. Asking for help from whatever you experience as divinity. Ask. Meditate on releasing this as a problem, accepting it as an invitation to dive deeper into your intimacy with your husband.

This is a wonderful opportunity. Your body and your being are calling you to a next level in your marriage. I hope your husband will appreciate your desire to go deeper, and that he is open to the possibilities. Building on the love you have is a beautiful endeavor! Sexy, even. Enjoy the ride.

Blessings and Love to you in all you do,

Melissa

What is your experience with attraction to people outside a committed partnership? Share your comments below!

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