Dear Meli, 

I have a friend who’s super spiritual. She’s always trying to tell me that if I just change my thinking, my whole life can change. But I have a bunch of hard stuff in my life. How am I supposed to ignore that? That seems like unhealthy denial. 

Bothered by the Bad

Dear Bothered,

Great question! This topic speaks to an important balancing act that is needed in walking in the metaphysical world. Because both you and your friend are correct.

Changing your thinking (and, more exactly, the beliefs that underlie your thinking) will indeed change your life. And that can be a very fun adventure and life-enhancing journey to know and play with!

But denying your current reality is never the way. Denial will always wreak havoc! Some of us refer to this kind of denial as spiritual bypass. Spiritual bypass doesn’t work. Pretending our life is great when we don’t feel great is a recipe for all kinds of things, none of them pretty.

It is important to look at our challenging stuff square in the face – head on! For one thing, by looking at something directly, we can explore what part we might have played in the existence of our challenge. We can search out the story we may have been telling ourselves that helped those circumstances come to fruition. Then we can explore a new way we could see or think about the world and ourselves in order to shift the experience to something we’d prefer.

I’ll use money and career as an example. There was a time in my life when this area of life was extremely challenging for me! I never had enough money and was regularly going in to debt. I was almost always struggling with finances. It was awful! I hated the experience. I also used it to confirm to myself that I was a loser. (In all honestly, I used every life experience as confirmation of my loser-ness back in those days, but I digress…)

At one point, as I explored my financial circumstances, I asked this question:

What would someone in this situation believe about themselves? I mean, if there was a belief that fueled the experience, what might it be?

I got my (at-that-point-painful) answer: This person doesn’t believe they’re worthy of money.

Understanding the underlying belief did not take away the struggle or the pain. At least, not right away. But it did point me in some directions I could head in order to begin to shift the experience. So, what did I do with this?

I knew a new place I could focus in my meditations, affirmations, and prayer work:

1. I took up the Loving Kindness meditation. I said to myself in meditation: May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be healthy and thriving. May I be free from inner and outer harm. May I care for myself joyously. May I be happy.

2. I practiced looking myself in the mirror and telling myself, “I love you.” With this practice, I watched my reaction go from ‘This is completely stupid’ to ‘Yup – true that’. It took a while – but I got there!

3. I knew that there was an incorrect belief to be transformed, so I:

a) practiced the Radical Transformation meditation (also known as an NLP reframing or Toltec Recapitulation) to find the lie, to see where the lie had come from, and to find the reality that had been misinterpreted by my child’s mind, replacing it with the Truth. Then I

b) practiced and practiced believing the Truth.

4. I shifted my posture, standing taller (as one with higher self-esteem would do).

5. I journaled about what I love to do. And I found examples of others who were doing those things. I planted those examples in my mind as a picture of possibility when I didn’t yet have the belief that I could do those things too.

6. I took classes and read books about abundance and self-love, as well as learning about managing money.

Those are just some of the juicy, life-changing practices I undertook. But I wouldn’t have thought of any of them if I hadn’t been willing to notice the pain.

It’s a very powerful question to ask our inner self, “Where does it hurt?” With the answer, we can either do the kind of work I describe above, or – if we don’t see anything we need to change in our circumstances – look to find the opportunities we’re being given to grow. (I used to find this suggestion particularly annoying, so please forgive me if that’s your reaction!)

If, for instance, someone we love becomes ill or dies, telling ourselves we created that situation is just mean! But if we look for how we might be able to grow from the experience, there is always something we can take away. (Just allowing ourselves to move through the grief with no judgment upon our sweet selves, for instance.) Even if we aren’t ready to ask the question right away, it will wait for us.

So you are right. And your friend is also correct. How tidy, haw?

Blessings and Love to you in all you do!

In Joy,

Melissa

What is your experience with spiritual bypass? Share your comments below!

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