Dear Meli,

I’m having some conflict with my best friend. We recently went on a vacation together. We had an itinerary planned, but when it came time to do everything, I just couldn’t do it. My friend is a lot more extroverted than I am, and she doesn’t always understand my introversion. I tried to explain that it’s not personal to her at all, but she felt like my inability to keep up with the planned schedule meant that I didn’t care about her as a friend. We are both on a spiritual path, and I tried explaining it in terms of following Spirit’s path, and how that looks different for different people, but she’s still really mad. Do you have any words of wisdom on this?

Fractured Friend

Dear Fractured,

I’m so sorry to hear about your challenges with your friend. I’m also sorry to say that I certainly understand them!

The more I travel life’s path, the more I discover that I am a fairly extreme introvert. It’s quite confusing to people who know me, because I am an outgoing introvert. When I’m with people, I enjoy them. I don’t usually even realize how much it takes out of me until I’m alone again. And then, wham! Evidence of my introverted nature strikes again – as exhaustion.

I was recently talking with a girlfriend about how difficult this is for me. I don’t like that this is how I am! I enjoy time with others. And I have many people in my life I’d love to spend more time with.

Alas, I need to really S-P-R-E-A-D the social time out! I need extra rest, sleep, and meditation following almost every encounter with others. It’s so annoying to me! My friend, bless her compassionate and very understanding heart, was helping me to see the insanity of my resistance to this.

We do not get to choose our nature. I mean, don’t get me wrong here.

We are immensely powerful beings! We can choose many things. But we are either introverted or extroverted by a design beyond our own making. We need varying amounts of sleep. Some of us are more sensitive to noise, or people. If we want to be at peace in life, we need to come to accept our basic nature.

My friend was laughing at the insanity of me judging myself about mine. It’s true. I can see her point. I am who I am, with the needs I have. I can judge it or resist it. But that will only bring me suffering. (And who am I even judging, really? Spirit? For making me this way? Hmmmm.)

Okay. So back to your friend. I understand that she may be disappointed. I would agree that it was a misjudgment on your part to have promised a level of what I call “outgoing activities” that aren’t actually a fit for your being. Friends breaking promises, even when it’s best for them to do so, can be a hard thing to take. She was probably getting excited imagining the fun you would have together! So on this point, I’d give her extra slack and forgiveness. I would take a “wait and see” approach to whether she can eventually come to view your nature as nothing to do with her – nothing personal.

Unfortunately, the fabulously compassionate friend I mentioned above seems to be unique. In my life, I have noticed many extroverts think I’m a freak for the level of alone-time I need. These days, when I receive a “you’re a freak” response, I’ve come to take a pretty hard line. I basically say, “Okay. Bye!” (I might not actually say those words aloud. My actions [gently and gradually pulling away to a much less-connected friendship] say it for me.)

The divine Itself gave you your tender, introverted nature. It’s a gift! If you go against it or ignore it, there will be consequences. Trust me. I’ve tried and it wasn’t pretty! Honoring your sweet self is always the way to go! Others will not always understand. But one of the beautiful things about life is that we can choose how we respond to it, including people who don’t understand us.

I admit it. I know people I can’t understand at all. I don’t need to understand someone in order to honor them, or even love them. But that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to hang out with them! It is not a lesser or greater measurement. Just people fitting together or not.

My advice? Allow your friend time to adjust to the understandable disappointment. But if she can’t seem to let it go in a way that’s impacting your friendship, you might want to consider letting her go!

“The Universe abhors a vacuum” is the saying I remind myself at such times. A new friend (or an old one who suddenly shows up more on your friendship radar) will appear in the space left by the release of the unfit friend. This is the kindest choice for everyone! Remember: if your friend does turn out to be not fit for you, then you aren’t a good fit for her either! You will both be set free to find the better friend-fit if you honor yourself.

Hoping it turns out perfectly rosie for you!

Blessings and Love to you in all you do!

In Joy,

Melissa

What is your experience with introversion and extroversion? Share your comments below!

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