Dear Meli,

I am embarrassed to ask you this question, but it’s been weighing heavily on me lately. I have two adult children, a son and a daughter. My son and I get along wonderfully. My daughter and I get along well too, at least on the surface, but it’s hard for me to spend time with her. And it’s probably not what you think. I find her … boring. We have absolutely nothing in common. The things she cares about are not interesting to me at all. And I know she has no interest in spiritual matters, which means I end up not sharing anything about that part of my life. I spend time with her out of obligation, which feels bad. And finding her boring feels even worse. She’s my daughter! I’m supposed to love her unconditionally. And I do. But I guess I don’t always like her. What’s a mother to do?

Mortified Mom

Dear Mortified,

I am so sorry to hear that you’re suffering because of your relationship with your daughter! What a bummer.

Here’s the thing. We all have people in our lives that we didn’t consciously choose to be there. Some of those folks are family, some are workmates. Whatever. We’re with them, but we didn’t choose them.

I bet you wouldn’t be so judgy with yourself if this person was your boss, or someone who worked with or for you. Right?

Somehow we have this story we tell. It’s the “we should like all of our family members” story! And it is certainly just a story!

I don’t think I know a single person who has fabulous friendships with every single person in their family. Do you know anyone like this?

Also, I often have to remind myself of this: We can love someone, and care deeply about them, and not like them or want to spend much time with them. Those two things aren’t related. I mean, it’s more fun when we love someone and like them and it’s all good. But to expect ourselves to have this experience with all of our children, for instance, is illogical.

There are a few things I would suggest to help yourself in this situation.

1) Forgive yourself. (I mean, for being human! But still, worth doing…)

2) Pray for your daughter every day. See her happy and living her best life.

3) Pray for your own heart, and mind, in relation to her. You might even ask for a lifting of guilt, and/or a deeper connection with her. But definitely ask for your “shoulding” on yourself to be removed!

You know the saying – and so true – “We don’t choose who we love”?

Well, we also do not choose who we like! So be nice to yourself about this. Let yourself be who you are, and your daughter be who she is, without expectation or judgment. The very act of your lifting shame from yourself just might lighten the relationship! Regardless, it will allow you greater freedom and joy. And that is a blessing for everyone!

Blessings and Love to you in all you do.

In Joy,

Melissa

What is your experience with relationships with your adult children? Share your comments below!

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