Dear Meli,

My wife of many years is in the end stages of cancer. Although it is hard, both of us are accepting the process and it is actually beautiful in some ways. The hard part is with our friends and acquaintances. We are part of a large spiritual community and everyone wants to either help out in some way or spend time with my wife. She’s not up for seeing many people, and I’m having a hard time navigating and negotiating other people’s demands. Or what feels to me like demands! It doesn’t help that I’m a bit (my wife would say more than a bit) of a people pleaser. Do you have any thoughts on this?

Suffering Spouse

Dear Spouse,

I’m sorry to hear about your wife. But I certainly celebrate the consciousness and love with which you are walking through this time together!

Being a people pleaser can be a beautiful thing. But not when it interferes with your life and priorities. Especially in such a time as this! You and your wife have limited time and energy!

I certainly understand people wanting to have time with her, as I’m sure you do as well. However, your priority has to be her! And protecting her energy is number one. Letting people know this would go far. Certainly your friends don’t want her to not be honored at this time. Letting them know that she is too tired for visitors would be easy to understand.

The first thing that came to mind as I read this question was that you could ask someone else to do your communications for a bit. I’m sure you have a close friend who would love to help right now. Ask one of your kindest and gentlest friends, and explain the situation to them. They can more easily explain that you both have limited resources at this time, and that your wife knows her friends love her and she assumes they know she loves them, and that for now that needs to be enough.

You might also consider asking the most organized of your friends to set up a schedule for practical support. A meal train, or support with household tasks that you aren’t able to get to at this time could allow people to feel like they’re helping and are connected, even if it doesn’t mean face-to-face time.

You might consider creating an email list and have your support person help to create updates for the entire circle of friends. Letting them know how she’s doing, and expressing her and your gratitude for their support might help to ease their stress, allowing them to feel included even without a visit. This same person could help to communicate with those you do think should have time with her. Reminding them, before they visit, that their deep connection is always felt, and that the visit will need to be short, but that is no less powerful.

One other possibility, if she would be up for it, would be to have a small gathering of her closest friends to allow for more closure for her selected few. You could allow them each to speak a short something, and maybe sing a song together and say a prayer or something. Something very short and sweet that would sort of mimic a Celebration of Life service. But, again, you would have to lean in to your support person to help in communications about this! And it certainly may not be appropriate or fitting, depending on your wife’s state.

If that kind of event isn’t a good fit, another possibility might be having someone in the group create a virtual prayer circle, to which you and/or your wife could log in when you’re both feeling up to it. Perhaps having the whole group could collectively light candles or perform rituals for her. This could be done when they’re together or virtually.

Your and your wife’s true friends will understand and respect your wishes, and her needs. The essence of the spiritual connection you all have together goes far beyond the physical. Trust the connection you have with your circle of friends enough to take care of yourself and your wife by saying “no” when you need to!

May your time together continue to be beautiful and blessed.

Meli

What is your experience with navigating friends and the dying process? Share your comments below.

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