Dear Meli,
I’ve always been different than other people. I don’t like parties. I’m not interested going out all the time. My husband is the exact opposite. If he had his way, we’d be going out every night. I keep thinking I need to push myself to be more social, but that approach hasn’t worked so far. My husband loves me, but I know it’s hard on him that I don’t like to go out as much as he does. Do you have any thoughts for a situation like mine?
Wondering Wallflower
Dear Wallflower,
Sometimes I think it would be so great if everyone was alike! But I know that actually be terrible. Diversity of creation is a wonderful thing. However, we might understand one another more easily if everyone were like us.
Two things come to mind as I read your note. First of all, basic personality types. There are many different systems for more fully understanding and finding compassion for ourselves and others. One of my favorites is the Enneagram. As I came to understand the different types of people as categorized by this system, I found a vastly increased compassion and unconditional love for myself and those around me. It has been a life-changing teaching for me!
So there’s that. Your basic personality type.
Here in the United States, there is a tendency to celebrate outgoing extroverts, and to belittle introverted sensitive folks. For those who are naturally outgoing extroverts, awesome! That’s great. Those people are valuable in any society! But there is no less value to the introverts, and/or those who are more shy. Each personality type brings gifts to life!
The second thing that came to mind as I read your question is the segment of every population (approximately 10-15% of every species) that is highly sensitive. Highly Sensitive is a term coined and written about by Elaine Aron in her book, The Highly Sensitive Person. This label is referring to a neurological sensitivity. When they take surveys to count deer in a forest, they add 10-15% to the count. Why? Because 10-15% of the deer sense that there is a mechanism on the forest floor that’s counting them, and they go around it! Yup!
What do the researchers call those deer? Timid! (This is America after all.) What do I call those deer? Psychic, extra-smart, and tuned in!
For those of us who are Highly Sensitive, the world is a more demanding place than it is for other, less Sensitive folks. We literally take in more information (consciously and unconsciously) than others! I mean, going out and running errands, or going to a social engagement? It takes more out of us. Costco? The mall? Forget it!
When we combine the many different personality types and the Highly Sensitive segment of society, we get a rich and diverse myriad of peoples. And sometimes, opposites attract. I believe this is both because we are seeking balance, and because we are here to learn. Being close with others who are different from us allows us to balance our personality type with someone from the other side of a spectrum. Being in relationship with people who are different than ourselves also invites us to continue growing, stretching into greater expressions of our selves. This is not to mention the ongoing opportunity to learn the art of compassion and love.
My wife, Z, and I are a perfect example of this. We are both highly sensitive. We are also both naturally more shy (yes, that’s really true). However, in social settings, Z becomes much more extroverted. We look similar in these situations, both chatty and talking with people. But our nature is evidenced by how we each feel afterward. Z remains wired for some time whereas I am zapped!
And yet, Z can have the same exact schedule and activities, and eat the same foods, for months on end without a thought about it. That would drive me crazy! I need more adventure or variety than that. Even though a little goes a long way for me, I need the variation or I start to feel constricted.
The beauty of growing in self-love is that we can more fully love our sweet lil’ selves just exactly as we are. Introverted. Extroverted. Consistent. Varied. Outgoing. Shy.
As we know ourselves and love ourselves as we are, we can allow others to be who they are more easily. We can take care of our needs, and support others in taking care of their needs, without thinking we need to do the same things. The blessings of giving ourselves permission to be who we are in life can’t be underestimated!
If you’d like to know more about the Enneagram, keep an eye on our travel schedule. We teach an Enneagram Experience workshop regularly in our travels. There’s also lots of information available on line.
As you and your husband, and friends, honestly share who you are with one another, may you all be blessed and served in your journey to unconditional love. May you also be blessed with the greatest expression of You in this lifetime!
Blessings and Love to you in all you do.
In Joy,
Melissa
What is your experience with being – or not being – a wallflower? Share your comments below!
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