Dear Meli,
I am embarrassed to ask this question, but here goes. I have had a lifelong struggle with weight and my body. At my heaviest, I weighed over sixty pounds more than I am right now. At my lightest, I was about twenty pounds less than I am right now. My doctor has said that my weight is fine for my height. But my weight is not fine for me. I am constantly trying to lose weight. And I am constantly dissatisfied with my weight. I should mention that I am on a spiritual path and have been for decades. That has definitely helped me with perspective on all this, but somehow it hasn’t been enough to take my focus off my weight. I thought I should ask you to weigh in (so to speak, I couldn’t help it!) on this issue. Thank you in advance!
Weighty Woes
Dear Weighty,
I am so very sorry to hear of your struggle with this, and I deeply wish I couldn’t relate. But I can. And I know this can be painful. I also know that you and I are not alone in this!
Here are some thoughts:
Our society has fed into our collective imagination of what a perfect body is. Photo-shopped models smile at us from magazine covers, ever reminding us that if we don’t look like that, we need to keep striving until we do. (The insanity? Even the models don’t look like that!)
Measuring our self-worth on externals can take us down a deep, dark rabbit hole of self-rejection. Defining ourselves based on a number on the scale is part of a rabbit-hole dive. It’s mean! Would you talk to anyone else you love the way you talk to yourself about your body?! I think not.
Possible Intervention Practices:
1) Mirror Work: This may be a good place to start. Stand in front of the mirror. (Maybe start off wearing something you feel best in and gradually work your way to doing this naked.) Find things that you can say to yourself that are true and kind. Say them. Out loud. Talk to that sweet person in the mirror the way you would to someone you care about.
You might start by thanking your body for being the miracle that it is. It is because of this body that you woke up this morning! It is because of this body that you are able to be here and love the people you do. To experience the amazing spiritual journey you’re on, including learning to love your body! Thank your body for the blessings it gives you every day. The ability to be alive, and feel joy, and experience love and growth!
When you feel you can, move your attention to any specific physical traits or characteristics you appreciate about yourself. Compliment them. Thank them. Adore them, aloud. The way you might a dear friend you see at a party, looking particularly fly. Keep this up until you start to automatically have kind and complimentary thoughts when you glance in a mirror throughout your day.
2) Journaling: Another possible practice is to journal. You might play with “parts work” in this, writing to the part of you who is mean to yourself about your weight, from the part of you who loves you unconditionally (your soul self). Or you could dialogue between the part that wants to be thin, and the part that doesn’t care. Or between your inner guide and the part of you that wants to overeat. There are many possible options that could lead to greater wisdom, understanding, and better inner congruence.
3) Gratitude: Of course, you are so much more than your body! A gratitude practice, specifically focused on all things you, could help you to get to a place of greater self-love and acceptance. That self-love will then bump up against that mean voice inside, helping to temper your self-condemnation.
4) Support: The fact that you said you are constantly dissatisfied with your weight implies that this was true even when you weighed 20 pounds less. If this is so, then I might also suggest you find additional mental/emotional support. Anything to help you remember that you are so much more than your body! You are your heart, your love, your generosity, your passions, and the way you show up for yourself and others.
You and I both know that there are plenty of weight loss approaches that actually work. At least, temporarily. (Heck, I bet between us we’ve tried all of them!) But if you are incapable of being satisfied, no exercise or food program or way of eating is going to bring you what I think you want most of all: peace of mind.
There may be something else entirely – some old wound or story – at work in your reasoning that leads to this self-snubbing. Helping to heal and transform the overall way you see and think of yourself might be the best tactic. Community with others who struggle with this might also be beneficial.
Any and all of these might be what’s needed! I’d say there is no plan or approach too daunting if it’s going to lead you to a place of peace!
I wish you all the best in this journey. You are so very worthy of the self-love and peace of mind that awaits you. Exactly as you are, and in whatever physical form you may take along the way!
Overflowing Blessings and Love to you in all you do.
In Joy,
Melissa
What is your experience with weight and body image? Share your comments below!
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Beautifully said, Melissa. I too have had a lifetime of obsession about my weight. My mother started me on dieting at about age 12. I have memories of some pretty bizarre plans. I did Schick aversion therapy in my early 20s. I had some perceived successes. Can I say I was hot! in my mid 20s??? Ooo baby!!! And… it never lasted. Cultural norms like you said played a part.. and family struggles and history and genetics. I gained recognition along the way that carrying excess weight was a trauma response. Self protection from perceived dangers. Hating my body. Always wishing for something else or what was.
Gradually, through much personal work of getting to know my Self, I have healed a bunch of old woundedness. Some of those effective eating programs you mentioned taught me how to recognize the foods that negatively affected my body and/or mental state. Clarissa Pinkola Estes taught me that my body was my Spirit’s greatest partner. My work in midwifery showed me how glorious my body is.. how powerful.
I found some strategies that have helped me stabilize and stop the roller coaster. Not fat free but eating healthy fats. Don’t keep ice cream in the house… but go get it if you want it. Sourdough bread doesn’t cause inflammation in my gut. Probiotics and Healthy gut strategies. Getting enough protein. Lots of emotional and spiritual journeying.
Now, as I round the last bend of my 70th year, I’m in a place where I’m comfortable in my body. I love her so much for what we’ve weathered together. My weight is stable. I’m way heavier than the stats and charts say I should weigh but I’m comfortable here. I don’t have to struggle to stay here. I feel good. I do water aerobics and chair yoga and walking. Something nearly every day. I love all of that… it brings me joy. I have created a simple quiet life in my retirement which feeds me in many ways. I spend a good amount of time volunteering for causes that warm my heart and feed my soul.
Blessings to all who are on their path to love themselves and create a fulfilling life.
Thank you SO much for all you’ve added here, Marina! How beautiful that you’ve found your way to comfort in your body!!! Loving ALL of us is key to all consciousness evolution, in my opinion. Also, happy to hear you’re taking such sweet care of you! Because we love you! Thank you again for all you’ve added…for taking the time…and supporting all who will read…Grateful for you.
Dear Meli, great suggestions which I am going to add to my life. I have been dealing with over weight issues on and off since 7th grade. What a crazy way to live up and down and up and down. Six years ago I heard about a program that has really worked for me. If anyone is in interested in learning about it please give me a call at 206-420-3543. I do not get any kickbacks if a person signs up. It has been a God Send to me and I will live this program the rest of my life. Blessings, Della
Thank you so much for adding your wisdom and wins here, Della! And how VERY generous you are to include your phone number and offer support in this way! Wow! What a wonderful, beautiful thing when one finds their way to greater joy and self-love! SO happy you have this, and are serving from this place now too! THANK YOU!
Hi Melissa – Thank you for the great post. I can relate to all of it! I just wanted to add another support suggestion to the list – see a Practitioner regularly to dive into the limiting belief that is possibly causing the issue. As you said, there may be some early childhood experiences adding to the feelings around weight. Love you!
Rachel – soon to be REV. Rachel! 🙂
DUH! (LOL) SUCH a great addition! YES!
Thank you so much for adding this! Fabulous contribution.
And congratulations on your upcoming graduation too! 😉
Love and Gratitude.
OMG Melissa, you are awesome. I love the four suggestions that you shared and they are all so “right on.”. It is so important that the first thing we do is love our self and surround ourself with affirmations that create acceptance. Yes there are things we can do, but I firmly believe that seeing and believing that we are beautiful inside and out is the key to acceptance of ourselves. Thank you, Melissa, for your powerful advice. You and Z bring so much JOY into my life and I love you both dearly.❤️❤️
Awwww Kathy,
Of course your sweet self brings in this key – loving our sweet selves. 🙂
And, yes, seeing that we are beautiful – because we ARE, after all! – is where to start. And without that self-acceptance, it won’t what matter the number on the scale says!
We love you, too, Kathy and are so blessed by your ongoing loving support!
Hugs to you all in AZ!
Melissa, I always remember a comment you made when we were at a memorial service for our mutual friend, JT. There were many photos of you (and others) from our earlier days, and you said, “It’s funny, in those old days I always worried about my weight, but looking back at the photos, I looked great!” (And you did!)
Hi Ernie! Always a treat to hear from you!
It’s so funny you remember that! And that totally makes sense that I’d say that.
I wish I could say that from then on,I felt so great about my body and weight…and never worried how I’d look in a photo! Alas, I’ve had that same experience SO MANY times! Feeling uncomfortable in my own skin is still something I deal with today. It’s better and better, and I’m kinder and kinder to myself. Shaming myself less, and forgiving myself more quickly when I do. But it’s still a psychic wound that’s got remnants within.
I guess that can be the nature of some healing…slow going, but ever-improving through the years.
THANK YOU for the reminder! I’ll continue to remind myself of it, and see what healing may come from it.
I hope you’re very very well! I wish the very best in all things always, my friend.
And, thank you again, for touching in here. It really is sweet to hear from you! Love you.