Dear Meli,
I have a friend I’ve known since college. I love her dearly, but lately it’s getting harder and harder to hang out with her. She’s always complaining. She complains about her job. She complains about her wife. She complains about her parents. Sometimes she asks me for advice about what to do, but she never seems to listen or do anything about it. She is such a sweet person and I truly love her. But the complaining is starting to drive me crazy. And yes, I’m aware that I’m complaining about her. But…. help!
Confounded by Complaining
Dear Confounded,
Aw, geez. I’m so sorry to hear about the sad state of this friendship.
It is hard to find that someone we were once happy to spend time with, and whom we still love and care about, has become someone we don’t enjoy spending time with anymore! It’s hard to change course in a friendship. But sometimes it can be the right thing.
I don’t feel like an expert on this. I have had a history of remaining friends with people long past a mutually beneficial time-frame. Eventually, though, my own feelings will tell me. I’ve had the experience of waking up to realize that every time I’ve hung out with a particular person, I feel bad in one way or another. Usually, my choice in this situation has been to spend less and less time with them.
My goal with friendship is to spend the most time with those with whom I feel most myself. And those with whom I experience the most authentic, loving, kindness. And those who – after I leave from spending time with them – I feel better than before. (I mean, generally speaking, of course, because everyone goes through hard times!)
If your friend is someone who might be open to it, perhaps you could consider speaking with them before backing away? I know this can be incredibly tricky. (There’s a saying: Unsolicited feedback is a form of abuse. And for that reason, this is not my first go-to suggestion.) But if they would be open to hearing it, maybe they could be coaxed into focusing more on gratitude? (Ugh. But as I type this, I question the sanity of such a suggestion. It would be a rare person who fits your description, but would also be open to such feedback/support. But maybe?!)
Personally, I fill my life with lots of great activities and friends. I do my best to make choices that will lead me to great joy and fulfillment – whether alone or with others. That has meant that I have sadly let go of some acquaintances with whom I felt no joy or fulfillment.
You may ask, why is that sad? If you felt no joy or fulfillment, then why would you spend time with them? Well, yeah. Exactly. And…this is what the friendship you’ve described sounds like to me.
In which case, I would back away. Gently and slowly as you lovingly can (for yourself and them). Perhaps send them extra love and light in your spiritual practice, prayers, or daily thoughts. This can be helpful to both of you!
It’s a strange thing to realize that you can deeply care for someone, really love them, and not want to spend time with them.
Then again, on the spiritual path, this what we’re striving for: loving all of humanity. So that means there are millions of folks for me to love but not hang out with! This awareness has helped me in times when letting go of someone is hard. That and making the choice for things that bring joy. One day at a time.
May all your friendships be blessings to all.
Blessings and Love to you in all you do!
In Joy,
Melissa
What is your experience with complaining friends? Share your comments below!
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One thing I’ve tried wtih some success is to make a “no complaints” resolution with them, starting from the point that I am trying to do better in that arena, and asking them to join with me. If they don’t like it, then there is some clarity as to why you are backing away; if they join with you woohoo! You’ve both just benefitted, because I’m pretty sure all of us complain more than we realize lol
Hi Susanne,
This is great. Thank you for sharing this idea. And I’m so glad to hear that you’ve had some success with it. Yay! 🙂
BIG Love,
Melissa
Sometimes there is a central question under the complaints, and a couple of open-ended questions on my part can get the person to ask it. But if that doesn’t work, or if the question comes out rhetorical and whiny and repeats over and over, it may be time for me to recognize that my presence Isn’t doing that person any good.
Hi Les,
This is a cool way to look at it. I appreciate this perspective very much!
BIG Love,
Melissa
Letting go of someone we care about is so hard because we experience it as loss, instead of as a gift…to both of you! I know when I engage with someone who REPEATEDLY brings me down, and doesn’t appear to be moving away from their stickiness, I feel resentful. That becomes my character issue and doesn’t aligne with the virtues to which I aspire. So, letting them go makes room in time and space for both of us to have our needs better met with others, and also might invite reflection and positive change. All this said, it is hard to do! I’m in relationship right now where this question for friendship longevity is up for me! When I sit in the intention of MUTUAL loving kindness, I know the answer will come! Thank you for your topic and deep wisdom! 🙏🏻
Hi Robin,
Thank you so much. It’s wonderful to hear all this. Sending you love as you sit in the intention for mutual loving kindness. That’s so beautiful.
BIG Love,
Melissa
I have a dear friend for 25 years. We agree to have a whiny sessions. When we do, we call, state I have to whiny, is it okay, and then complain. After we thank each other, do a meditation and talk of only happy things. We leave on a happy note. Most of the time we have is fun and good. But we always listen to each other, even if one of us complains.
Hi Wynn,
This is so great! I love this technique. It allows room for the complaining, but frames it in prayer and positivity. Brilliant. Thanks for sharing this!
BIG Love,
Melissa