Dear Meli,
I feel funny writing you. My life is going great. I have my dream job. I’m in a great relationship. I have a small group of close friends. There’s nothing wrong. Except I feel off. I can enjoy my life at times, but other times it feels like nothing truly fulfills me. I have a spiritual practice, and that helps me feel grounded. But I don’t know. I don’t think I’m depressed, but I’m also not not depressed, if that makes sense. My mother died recently, and I’m wondering if maybe that’s part of it. We had a difficult relationship, but we had good closure at the end. But maybe that’s making everything seem weird? What do you think?
Feeling Funny
Dear Funny Not So Funny,
Thank you so much for writing. I am very happy for you that you had good closure with your mom at the end. What a blessing!
I’ll start by telling you the summary of life I came to during my years of ministerial training…”Life is freakin’ weird!” Your description made me recall that saying.
Maybe in part because your life sounds pretty amazing. And you sound pretty amazing. And then, there’s the emotional experience that isn’t always so amazing. Weird, right?
Also, this may have come to mind because I graduated from ministerial school not long before my mom passed away of cancer. So, during my years in school for my Masters in Consciousness Studies, my mom was getting more and more sick. And we were also having some beautiful closure.
When anyone says to me, I’m feeling odd (in any way) and then I find out that someone in their life died not long ago? Aha!
Because grief? Grief is one strange mother! I’m just saying.
It messes with our experience of being alive. It messes with our experience of what’s “real” to us. I messes with life’s meaning, or meaninglessness. And it’s all very random!
I’m speaking of my experience of grief, of course. So I can’t promise you that all of the experience you’re having is because of grief. But if you’re looking for somewhere to find the feelings, I’d look under the proverbial hood of that car!
One of the most annoying things about grief – well, where do I even start…but one of them anyway – is that there is no way to know how long the grieving process will last! You might feel this way, off and on, for months, or even years. Everyone is different. And every loss is different.
I do not mean to be flippant about your feelings! They are real. And I can imagine that they’re disconcerting. And it’s always worth a look at whatever we might be missing when such emotions reveal themselves.
Losing a parent, or anyone close to us, is usually gonna wreak some strange havoc. And it will sometimes seem to have passed and then return, uninvited, at the strangest times.
The best advice I can give you is to continue to live your best life. And to allow your experience to be. I mean, lean into it. Whatever it may be at any given moment. Maybe even hyper-focus on the physical sensations you have when you feel this way. Anything to allow it, and not succumb to adding stress about the emotions. Let them be. Thereby letting yourself be.
In my experience, this is the best way to move through the experience. Judging nothing. Resisting nothing. Allow. Allow. Allow.
Weird. Right? I think so.
Life is freakin’ strange! But the more present we can stay for it, the more goodness we can find in it.
I wish you the very deepest joy and peace in this weird life. May this experience reveal beautiful blessings to you.
In Joy & Peace,
Melissa
No one close to me has died recently, all are healthy, life is GOOD and yet…there are those moments and days that are not quite! Why?! I recently began reading The Happiness Trap and am finding it supportive. Thanks for starting the conversation!
Hi Adele,
Thanks for mentioning a book that’s helping you! I hadn’t heard of it and I’ll be checking that out!
Thank you so much for writing, adding your wisdom, and for your kindness! Blessings to you – on all days – even the wonky ones (or especially those?)
In Gratitude,
Melissa
Dear Melissa,
Everything you wrote resonates with me and my experience of grief, especially when my Mom transitioned. We, too, had healed so much between us by the time that moment came. One of the greatest journeys and blessings of my life.
I would add that one of the great gifts and abilities in life is being able to experience and hold opposites at the same time, the YES, ANDs of this “freakin’ weird” life (love that!). I make up that that’s true here…the experience of a life for which one is grateful, and the simultaneous sensation there’s something “off”. As a great mentor has taught me: there’s nothing wrong here, even when there is the appearance that there is.
Grateful for your consistent vulnerable wisdom, and the invitation to lean in and chime in! Much love!
Hi Susanne,
So very pleased to hear about your healing with your mom! So beautiful when we can have this with someone before they go! Right?
Thank you very very much for adding the gift/ability to hold seeming opposites! Brilliant addition. And so true!
Also, great wisdom from your mentor. I remind myself of this whenever things (or I) feel “off!”
Thank you so much for writing and adding all this yummy wisdom. And thank you for your sweet kindness too.
Big hugs, love, and blessings,
Meli(ssa)
Beautiful, Meli. I find it is often true that grief is beneath many emotions. Often unrecognized. And grief is not always about literal death. I find big transitions are death and rebirth personified. Death of maiden to become mother. Death of life as we know it in any way… job change, a move, so on and so on… and facing the unknown ahead. Awareness and curiosity are my best friends in those times.
Hi Marina,
GREAT reminder that grief is more ever-present in life than we tend to think. I really appreciate that additional awareness! Such a great factor to remember in the day-to-day of life.
Awareness and curiosity, indeed! Beautiful.
Thank you so very much for writing again. You always bring great wisdom to the conversation. I know I’m not the only one who’s grateful for that!
Big Love and Blessings to you, my friend,
Meli(ssa)
This topic and your response really resonated with me, Melissa. My mom passed maybe 15 years ago. We really had no closure. Lots of problems over the years. When she passed, I did not feel much of anything. I did not really know her. In a soft and gradual way, through stories from my sister mostly, I learned about Moms intelligence, toughness, and, yes, spirituality. Hmm, this was not the woman I had judged so harshly over the years. Instead, one who I might have liked; who might have liked me too. So now, I grieve her in a way that makes me smile – I remember her with tenderness, not anger. Grief, I think, is not one thing nor the same in every case. And I’m glad I came to know my Mom – we’re both easier to live with for it. Love, (Rev) Suzanne
Hi Suzanne,
Wow. What a great experience of retroactive healing and closure! So beautiful! And a great reminder that it’s never too late for healing to take place.
Thank you, also for the reminder that grief looks different in every situation. Great to remember.
Blessings to you (and your mom and your relationship with her!).
Thank you for this, I know who I’m gonna share it with, Yay TYG amen! Much love & many Blessings
Hi Jody,
You most certainly are very welcome! And thank you so much for sharing it, too!
All the best.