Dear Meli,

I am a single mom with two elementary school kids. I am also a long-time spiritual seeker who does yoga and meditates regularly – though not as much as I used to since I became a mom! My own mother moved back to my town last year, partly to help with the kids. She’s really good with them, but she’s also recently become involved with a fundamentalist Christian church. Normally I would say Live and Let Live, but she’s been sharing her beliefs with my kids. They’ve been coming to me, saying that they’re scared they’re not going to go to heaven if they don’t believe in Jesus. I’ve told my mom that I don’t want her to push her beliefs on my kids and she said she wouldn’t talk about it anymore. But from what my kids are telling me, she’s continuing to scare them by talking about Jesus and heaven. I don’t want to cut her out of their lives, and I need the child-care help. But I’m not sure what to do. Any ideas?

Perplexed Parent

Dear Perplexed,

Congratulations to you on your continuing spiritual practices and living, even while being a single mom! Impressive!

This situation sounds very challenging. Thank you for writing about it.

If it were me, I would have another conversation with my mom. These are your children. Nothing matters more. Having them become scared from time spent with their grandmother doesn’t seem like a good thing!

You might even consider asking your mom if she’d go to a professional with you. Maybe a third party could help the two of you navigate the conversation in a way that would allow her to hear you more fully.

Losing childcare is one issue. More fixable than losing a grandmother! It seems important that the kids get to be with her, have her in their lives, and get to know her. That’s worth cherishing. But not at the expense of your children’s mental health!

One option would be to go to church with them, along with your mother, one time. And then have a conversation with them about the many different ways people believe. You might even decide, if they’re interested, in looking into other ways of believing and practicing spirituality. Maybe they’d be intrigued to know that there are lots of beliefs about the world, and love, and life. And that your mom’s beliefs are just that. One of many.

When I was growing up, my parents took us to church regularly. But they also allowed me to go to temple with my best friend and her family. I think it helped me understand – the little bit I was able to understand at that age – that spiritual beliefs are subjective.

However you go about it, I do think it’s imperative that you have further conversation with your mom about her frightening your children! Especially after you asked her to cease.

In my opinion, your children’s well-being is more important even than having their grandma in their lives. But I do believe it’s best if you make sure you try everything you can to have her support your parenting requests.

Perhaps if she were to know how challenging it is for you. That you’re considering lessening her time with her grandkids. If you’re willing to have that conversation with her.

It’s tricky because on the one hand you want to model having healthy relationships, even with people with differing beliefs. At the same time, her scaring them – especially after you’ve requested she stop – is not okay.

The main thing to remember in terms of the kids is that they’re always going to calibrate most to you. Your beliefs and your way of life is their primary anchor. If you remind them that they are safe, and tell them what you believe about their sacred, divine presence, they will be more likely to land there. It those be wonderful for them to be having th conversations with you!

Having the conversations is key. It sounds like you’ve been doing that, and well. It’s unfortunate that it may take more. But I think it’ll be worth it. Doing all you can to create ongoing loving spaces for your children is worth about anything.

Right?

May you all be powerfully blessed by the entire process!

Blessings and Love to you in all you do!

In Joy,

Melissa

What is your experience with religious family members? Share your comments below!

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