Dear Meli, 

I grew up in a strict, religious household. Once I left home, and the church, I thought I’d never go back. And I haven’t. But I do have an ever-increasing interest in spirituality. This time, though, it’s not about rules from without. It’s about discovering the Spirit that lives within and all around me. I feel blessed that I’m able to explore in this way, especially considering how restrictive my upbringing was. There is one area, however, where I still feel constrained, and that’s in the area of sexuality. There was so much shame around sex when I was a kid, and it was directly connected to religion. Even though I’ve left that religion behind, and discovered a new connection with my spirituality, I still have a lot of shame and inhibition about sex left over from my religious upbringing. Do you have any thoughts or ideas about this?

Spiritually Shamed

Dear Shamed,

Congratulations on setting yourself free from the constraints of the dogma and rules of your strict upbringing! The freedom that many of us find in that process is immense and ever-increasing. I know that the journey to this place is not a short or easy one. So, congratulations!

This is such a rich and challenging question! It makes complete sense that you’re feeling this residual shame around your sexuality. When raised in such a religious environment, especially when the shame of sexuality is tied to the religion’s teachings, the shame can be deeply woven into one’s sense of self. Even after you stop believing in the teachings, those core unconscious messages can rear their cruel and inhumane little heads, creating a cascade of horrible feelings!

Exploring spirituality in a freer, more open way is really courageous. Of course, as you’re finding, it doesn’t mean the old shame just vanishes overnight. That’s not a failure—it’s part of the process.

One thing that can help is remembering that shame isn’t the same as morality or conscience. Shame is usually the residue of control, not love. And lies, not truth. A healthy spirituality—one rooted in love, truth, and freedom—won’t shame you for being who you are. It might challenge you to be honest, to act with integrity, but it won’t make you feel inherently wrong for your desires or identity!

You get to redefine your spiritual path now. This is both exciting and can feel daunting.

You can ask yourself, ‘What kind of spirituality will help me become more whole, more alive, and more loving toward myself and others?’ If the old voices say you’re broken or wrong, try asking: “Whose voice is that really? And do I still want it to have authority over me?” This simple act of observing, of becoming aware of who’s talking can be freeing!

This is not a spiritual path for the wimpy! You are taking on big stuff here! But the freedom and joy you’ll find on the other side is worth the walk! Meanwhile, though, please be patient with yourself.

Unlearning shame is not a quick fix! It’s more like peeling back layers and reclaiming your truth and authenticity, bit by bit.

Reading about shame is another practice that could help. Brene Brown is the queen, of course. And I imagine there are even groups of people doing that work together.

Remember that you don’t have to do this alone. Community, therapy, and spiritual practices that center on embodiment and compassion (like breathwork, mindful movement, or contemplative prayer) can be powerful additional tools.

In addition, you may want to explore tools that specifically focus on transforming and releasing trauma. TRE, or Tension and Trauma Releasing Exercises, is a body-based technique that helped individuals release deep tension or stress, including that associated with trauma. I’ve found it particularly helpful myself. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a form of psychotherapy designed to treat post-traumatic stress disorder that has worked wonders for me and others I know. There are also somatic therapies and therapists that can help.

As you explore various modalities and approaches, you will find your particular matches. Each of us is unique in what will most support us in transformation. And it may change over time, too.

Last but not at all least, remember to ask Spirit for help in releasing your shame. You have an amazing Source of wisdom inside you, and it will guide you on this path to freedom.

And please remember: Be kind with your sweet self along the way! The self-care and self-love, and even self-forgiveness, you practice will do the deepest healing of all. And you deserve all the love you can receive.

Blessings and Love to you in all you do!

In Joy,

Melissa

What is your experience with healing religious shame? Share your comments below!

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