Dear Meli,
I have been attending a New Thought center for about three years. Soon after I started attending, I met a friend there I’ll call Tricia. Tricia and I became close friends immediately. She was smart, funny, and sensitive. About a year into our friendship, she developed cancer. A few months after that, she stopped attending our center. She said that she felt like people there were blaming her for being sick. A few weeks ago, Tricia died. I’m so upset about her death, and the way she was treated at my former spiritual home. I can’t seem to get past my anger. What do you think about all this?
Gripped With Grief
Dear Gripped,
Oh my dear! I am so sorry for your loss, and for the experience your friend had.
I deeply wish this was a rare thing. I wish I’d never heard of anyone else having this experience. And yet, I have heard this before more than once.
Unfortunately, sometimes the whole “we co-create our reality with our consciousness” movement uses the teaching to cause harm. Whether the judgment is real or implied, it does damage. It’s the opposite of what anyone needs when in such a situation.
That said, judging them is not going to help them to realize their cruelty and insensitivity. And it is not harming anyone but you to remain resentful.
I would highly recommend that you find your way to forgiveness. I know this can be especially challenging when trying to forgive something that has caused such great pain. And, in this case, pain (of the things said or implied) on top of more pain (grieving your friend and knowing that she felt hurt by the situation). But I still suggest you commit to forgiveness, and take it on.
Your unforgiveness could otherwise keep you from healthy grieving. It could do all kinds of damage to your being. Even if you simply move to a place of more forgiveness, it could still help you feel better.
If you’ve been staying away from your community, I’d also suggest you return. If your friends there really don’t feel like your people anymore, find a new spiritual community as soon as you can. It will be helpful for you, in your healing process, to be supported by others!
Another thing to note is that it is possible that some of your friend’s experiences of feeling judged were not coming from anyone’s actual judgment. We project so much of our experience onto others, it’s impossible to know. And when we’re sick, sometimes we’re not at our clearest. Especially when we know we’re in the process of dying! (Just something to consider.)
Forgiveness is such a tremendous healing power. It frees up lots of our energy, love, and joy. It is worth doing, regardless of the situation!
There are many articles on both my and Z’s blogs about the subject. And heck, there are lots of books on the healing power of forgiveness!
I do wholeheartedly feel for your broken heart, and protectiveness of your friend. At the same time, I would love to know you’re finding your way back to love and joy, in honor of the gift of life you are still being given. Perhaps you might want to consider doing this in honor of your friend who passed?
Wishing you freedom and love, always.
Blessings and Love to you in all you do!
In Joy,
Melissa
What is your experience with judgment in spiritual communities? Share your comments below!
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I haven’t had this sort of judgement directed at me, but I have heard bits of it. I still haven’t had the question of why do bad things happen to good people answered to my satisfaction by any New Thought person. But I can also understand that “shit” happens. Unfortunately, that can be cancer killing a close friend. I never blamed bad thoughts on a friend’s death. Maybe she could have taken care of herself better but that is not my call, that was her call. I guess the answer is, let go of judgement. Just let it go.
Hi Linda,
Perhaps the reason you haven’t heard the “why do bad things happen” answered to your satisfaction is that New Thought doesn’t fully address it. At least, not in a way that goes beyond the individual.
We also agree that letting go of judgement of always a good thing!
BIG Love,
Melissa
Hi,
Forgiveness has been an enormous learning and gift in my life, freeing me up from carrying the poison of deep resentments. However, having said that, I remember the importance of what I heard at a sermon by Minister Mary Murray Shelton many years ago. It was on forgiveness (somewhere I have the tape). For those of us who had huge things to forgive, and couldn’t embrace the action of forgiving, she asked us not to forgive, but just to be willing to consider the possibility of forgiving. That worked beautifully for me. Like planting a seed and waiting for it to sprout in its own time, with no sense of “should” or “have to”. I don’t remember how long it took, maybe a few years, but at some point, on my own, I eagerly embraced the concept and took on the practice, and so glad I had been primed for that opportunity.
Hi Bobbi,
Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s so true! Sometimes forgiveness take a while. When forgiveness feels too hard, simply opening to the possibility of forgiveness can gently initiate the forgivenes journey.
Thank you for your comment!
BIG Love,
Melissa
Second comment…I am feeling compassion for the person who wrote the question. I’d love to see more written here about that phenomenon many of us have experienced or witnessed…someone saying or implying the sick person is somehow responsible for their illness or accident. I’d like us to also look at that part of the question, and how important it is for us all to be very careful we are not transmitting that message in a way that can be so hurtful to someone who is already hurting.
Hi Bobbi,
I agree, there is definitley more to be said on this topic! Many of the comments on this post are adding valuable additional information.
And yes, becoming more aware of the way we are communicating with others is definitley sooooo important.
BIG Love,
Melissa
Melissa, Thank you for your response to this concern. For me it was the teachings that prayer treatment could turn things around and when it doesn’t, the wonder begins of what is not working.
I think it helped to understand we have this human body while living in a spiritually connected universe.
Hi Barbara,
Thank you for this comment. Yes, being human and spiritual at the same time is definitely an interesting ride!
BIG Love,
Melissa
As someone who has been chubby to fat virtually all of her life, my experience is that this type of “it must be your fault” judgement in new thought communities is rampant. I can’t count how many times I or other people of size I know have been told directly or by implication that we are fat because we are not spiritual/evolved enough. I have a friend who has had a chronic illness for a long time, and she no longer has anything to do with the metaphysical spiritual community for the same reason. It may be possible, as you say Melissa, that the writer’s friend was projecting, but from what I’ve observed it’s extremely unlikely. I’ve also seen that blame game personally in regard to sexual abuse in childhood (“your karma” “what did you do in a past life?” “your fear/lack of self worth must have been the cause” etc.). New thought communities profess love and acceptance, but there is a lot of growth/shedding of old beliefs and conditioning that still has to happen before we are actually comfortable places for ***everyone***. I think we need to educate people in new thought communities that whenever they feel a need to share their perspective on someone else’s issue, that they need to check in with themselves first and honestly see what is driving that need to share their perspective. Selfrighteousness and fear and just plain old discomfort with seeing someone else suffer seem to be common drivers. It’s much harder to just be with a person who is suffering than it is to tell them how to fix it. Overt racism isn’t acceptable anymore, but judging someone for their medical issues, finances and weight unfortunately still seem to be ok with many people.
Thanks for raising this issue – it’s one that needs a lot more discussion.
Hi Susanne,
Thank you for ALL this. You raise such good points, ones that definitely need to be seen and shared and expressed. I especially like when you said that folks need to look within and see what’s driving their need to “fix” someone else. Soooooo true.
Thank you!
BIG Love,
Melissa
Meli,This response to the grieving person who was also angry about friends death, was very kind & compassionate & caring. Blessings for sharing this comment. Love & Light, Barbra 🌈❤️🙏😇☮️🦋💐
PS I hope to see you when your in Bellevue Wa soon.
Hi Barbra,
Thank you. And that that would be fun to see you in Bellevue!
BIG Love,
Melissa
In addition to your forgiveness suggestion, I would encourage the writer to have a conversation with the lead minister or a trusted Practitioner. The harm being done is not unique to her faith community. Perhaps National CSL / Unity, etc. needs to be informed of the misuse of creative consciouness.
Hi Susie,
This is a great idea. The only exception to this is if it doesn’t feel safe to do so. In that case, the trusted person might need to be outside of the community.
There are ethics committees that get informed of violations in spiritual communities. However, the misuse of creative consciousness is trickier territory and, unfortunately, often goes unaddressed. Thank you again for this comment and suggestion!
BIG Love,
Melissa
Paul Hasselbeck wrote 2 books about spiritual cliches we use without thinking. Get Over These and Get Over These, Too. I reccomend them for more discernment.
Hi Melanie,
Thank you for these recommendations! We appreciate it.
BIG Love,
Melissa
Well, first of all…thank you. I am currently recovering from Thyroid Cancer and getting stronger every single day however I experienced judgement from my (former) spiritual community so have moved to a new community that is more in alignment with who I am in the present moment.
The community literally found me and has uplifted me immediately, after I went within and worked on immensely deep forgiveness!
(We know how it works yet it’s still beautiful to experience!)
I love how you guided the reader back to themselves with such compassion during their time of grief and transition.
As always, all is well!!!… and I am grateful for you and Z.
Bella
Hi Bella,
I’m SO happy that you found a spiritual community that is uplifting you! And also grateful that you are in recovery and getting stronger every day. Yay for both those things!
We are grateful for you too!!!!
BIG Love,
Melissa
I totally disagree with anyone who states that someone having cancer is their fault. To state that is simply being blind to the fact that we human beings don’t know everything. Sometimes New Thought forgets to hold healthy boundaries. I feel deeply for you and your loss. I have lost many to cancer. I send you, and your friend love. I know what it is like to feel unready to forgive. I have learned to never force myself to do something I am unready to do. I find it easier to forgive people who judge by realizing that they are still developing that capacity to hold unanswered questions. I send them love and strength to continue their development and I move on, knowing some day they will eventually get their, but my responsibility is for myself to grow and heal. I send you love to grow and heal and I want you to know that I agree that it wasn’t her fault, and I know that she wouldn’t want you to hurt over her hurt because true friends never want that. 🙂
Steph,
This is all so beautiful, and beautifully stated. Thank you!
XO Melissa
Wow,
I have not thought of this in 36 years. Thank you for addressing this issue.
I was pregnant with my only daughter when she died in utero at 7 months. I carried her for two weeks and then had to go in for a therapeutic abortion because of the toxic poisons being released in my body. I would have died.
My mother was extremely upset with me. Why did I want my daughter dead; why was I crying? The universe gives us exactly what we want. I was an embarrassment to her because I took my only living child to the doctors (103 fever) and told the doctor to give him something for the fever because I had lost a baby the week before. My mother lectured me the whole way home. I stopped talking to my mother for 17 years.
My mother decided to go to the Science of Mind Church I was attending. This was 2 weeks after I stopped talking to her and one month after I had lost my baby. She got the minister to come over to talk to us about “my” problem. The minister agreed with my mom that I was involved in the death of my child. I was crying. The minister asked when this happened and my mother told her last month. Then the minister said to my mother that it was too soon, I could not see what I had done and I should have about 6 months to grieve before I could understand it was my thoughts that caused the baby to die. I walked away and never returned to that church. The minister did not even try to call me.
Eventually I went from church to church (All Science of Mind) and ran into a very old minister who gave me some peace. He said that it was not my fault. Things happen that we will never understand. He then said that I was a wonderful mom because I gave my child everything she needed to experience in this life and so she moved on. I could live with that and it carried me a long way. I went back to my childhood church and started to attend again.
Do I still believe in the same way as before I lost my child? No, I feel that the religious leaders of our church are hypocrites. Some people have an ego and know more than you do making themselves better than you. They hurt people to feel smarter. These people are stupid and do not know the religion as I was taught 60 years ago. However, I have some healing and function in the church with no one wiser. WomanSpirit made me into a powerful woman and healed a lot of my hurts.
I do not need to be fixed. I am happy with who I am.
It took me a long time to read this article. I was afraid of it. I enjoyed reading the comments and thank you for opening this topic up for understanding.
Hi Wynn,
Wow. I am so very sad to hear about your loss – and the horrible way you were treated after that already heartbreaking experience.
It is unfortunate when people in positions of authority abuse their power. Unfortunately, this happens all the time. Thank God you found your way to a loving community and a spiritual leader with heart. I also love that you say you know you do not need to be fixed and you are happy with who you are. Yay for THAT!!!!
Sending you big love and hugs.
XO Melissa
Amongst other issues I had a tumor in my spinal column that it took dr’s. almost a decade to find. Every time I was misdiagnosed it gave the “what’s in your consciousness” crowd more fuel. I very much believe in forgiveness but I believe that means letting go of hate and anger that is harmful to you. NOT returning to a place or interacting with people where you will be exposed to more harmful treatment. Which is sad as it means I no longer attend CSL and there are so many wonderful things about that center as well.
Hi Theresa,
I’m so sorry to hear that that was your experience. I can totally understand why you no longer attend that CSL. Setting boundaries is a powerful spiritual practice. Congratulations for taking good care of yourself. Sending you love and hugs!
Melissa