Dear Meli,
I recently had a big dream come true. Incredible, right? So why am I feeling so conflicted? I was invited to be a part of a professional organization that I’ve admired for decades. At first, it was great. But now, not so much. The biggest problem is how much energy it takes. I’m exhausted by all the activities required to be a part of this organization. The people are great and really supportive. My business is thriving as a result of being part of this thing. But the energy output required? It’s seriously draining. I’ve been getting sick more. I don’t have as much time for my friends and family. My spiritual practice has suffered. This was a dream of mine for so long, and I don’t want to let go of it. But I’m also not sure I can keep this up. What do you think?
Daunted Dreamer
Dear Daunted,
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on your success! It’s such a wonderful thing to want something as a confirmation of your success in your work, and then to receive the acknowledgment you were wanting. Yay for that!
Also, bummer! I am so sorry that it has come with such a disappointment in terms of the demands. I can hear your discouragement and confusion, and send you love for the predicament you find yourself in.
The thing is that when we’re dreaming of things we want, we never know what it will entail once the dream becomes a reality. Every dream comes with…otherness. Sacrifices, compromises, irreconcilable conflicts. “The other side” of the dream. The side we can’t know until we get there.
Ask any successful person. In any endeavor.
Some people make success look easier than others. But no one, in any endeavor, gets to bypass that other side.
Great parents sacrifice time alone, time with friends without kids, probably some career success, and many moments when they’d rather have their kids like them instead of hate them. Career success comes with time, working through challenge after challenge, prioritizing work over other things… I could go on but I know you get the gist of what I’m saying. There is always that other side – to every kind of success. The side others don’t see or think of, and the reason why many are not as successful in the same area. (They’re not willing to make those sacrifices.)
All the more reason for you to be pleased with your success! And…reason for some deep reflection on your priorities and goals for the future you – the version ahead of you on the path. The version you that stands in a place you’d like to be, further down the road.
In choosing whether sacrifices are worth it for us, we’ve got to look at the goal from all sides.
One question is whether you’ve been prioritizing external validation over your internal alignment. Because the toll you’re describing sounds like a very high cost, indeed! And the fact that you’re writing tells me you’re questioning whether that price is actually too high.
The thing is, that questioning alone is big information. When we are wondering if something is worth it, it may well not be. Questioning alone doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it. Sometimes it’s a matter of carving out time to do the other things we’re committed to! Non-negotiable boundaries that allow for more balance. But the questioning does tell us that we need to get clarity, and may well need to make changes to realign things.
Regardless, this points to a need for you to get very clear about your why. The purpose, the reason you wanted this in the first place.
I have experienced myself in this same kind of place. And I have chosen different directions to go in response to the dream and the sacrifices.
Sometimes it’s very clear! “This is what I care about. It comes at a very high price, but it is what matters most to me, so I’ll continue to choose it. Totally worth it!” When that’s the case, we might have to choose it over and over. At least, this has been true for me.
It’s like you’ve spent years building a gorgeous high-performance car. But the car’s running out of fuel. You might not have to destroy the vehicle, but you should probably stop trying to drive it 24/7 in order to keep fuel in the tank.
Other times, it’s more complicated. The great things about the dream are so rewarding and fulfilling! But the challenges are also intense. This demands a deeper dive into your own psyche – more reflection on what the truest, deepest reasons for your dreams are. What is the success bringing you? And what, honestly and truly, is the cost…to your life, your health, and your other priorities?
Using this line of questioning has prompted me to walk away from many things, even as it has broken my heart to do so. We just can’t know ahead of time what something’s gonna be like. Not until we get there and experience it.
So this is not a failure. There is no shame in this! It’s a matter of physics. Because even though a physicist can say there is no time or space in the grand scheme of Life Itself, in the reality in which we function – on this time-space continuum – there are limited resources of both. Lining up our choices with our values is imperative for a true peace of mind, for just this reason!
I’ve had friends go through years of years of training and study, only to discover that the work they’d dreamed of doing afterward is not fulfilling or joyful to them at all. It’s especially hard to walk away after investing so much of our life force energy! But all we can do is make the choice today for a better tomorrow. Staying in something that is not a good fit, no matter the sacrifices made to get there, is not going to lead you to your greater joy and peace in the future.
There is a beautiful practice I have been doing for years, since it was taught to me by Rev. Dr. Marcia Sutton. It’s called creating a Sacred Covenant. (Stay with me here, even if you think that sounds too woo-woo.) When creating a covenant, one looks deeply at the fears they have about achieving the dream, and not achieving it, the reason behind having the dream, what it will feel like. All sides. And most importantly, the intent. Why do you care? What will the dream look like once it’s fulfilled? (How will you recognize when you “get there?”)
I’ve created one of these for everything I’ve started. My own health practices, relationships, business. Big and small things. It’s so much more powerful for me when I understand consciously why I’m doing something! It also helps me to see when I’m getting off track. (For a deeper dive and support in creating your own covenant, go HERE [https://www.gracefulways.org] and click on Co-creation in the Resources tab.)
If I’m feeling conflicted about whether something is in alignment for me or if I should let it go, I pull out my covenant. I can almost always see, very quickly, what is out of whack. Then I can check in about whether my goals and priorities have shifted, and if what’s going on is no longer a fit for me.
Remember, too, that anything is possible. Maybe there’s a way you can have some of what’s bringing you the greatest joy and fulfillment about this, but release some aspects of this version, along with the stresses. Or maybe it’s time to walk away completely, with a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment for what you’ve accomplished, aware that you’re prioritizing other things. Only you can know, of course.
In the midst of this reflection, it’s imperative that you remember your value, your worth, is not tied to this organization or group, or the people in it. Not even to the success you’ve achieved to get there! You are valuable beyond your output!
There’s a saying I made up many years ago that has come back to bite me many times. “If you think you’re confused, you’re just not wanting to know what you know.”
This has been true for me over and over. It sounds like it may be true for you in this case.
Perhaps you’ve written to me because you really don’t want to participate in this anymore, but you worked so hard to get here, so it’s a difficult choice to make. But when something’s not quite right, it’s time to make some changes. And if it feels this terrible, that alone is telling you that it’s time for changes. Deeper exploring will help you know what those changes might be.
One thing I know for sure. On the other side of all this, you’ll have grown. You’ll have gained clarity about your own values, and you will have chosen you! And life will be richer and more rewarding for that choice. Always choose you.
Blessings and Love to you in all you do,
Melissa
What is your experience with dreams coming true? Share your comments below!
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