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When I moved to California several decades ago, I attended my first metaphysical church. Up until that point, I had been a convert of the Lone Ranger School of Spirituality.

The Lone Ranger approach worked out well enough. I meditated. By myself. I read a lot of books. By myself. I learned a lot. By myself. But I yearned for spiritual community.

So, upon moving to the Bay Area in the early 90’s, I found myself a place. A place with others like me.

I’ll never forget the first Sunday I attended. My heart felt like it had expanded a thousand fold. I left energized and excited. I had come home.

And I had. At least for a while.

I joined groups. I took classes. I joined the choir. It was an amazing time.

And then, after a few years, things began to sour. The choir director turned out to be a tad bit homophobic and transphobic. And by “a tad bit” I mean J.K. Rowling level.

It was bad.

What had felt like my home started to feel like my prison.

Even so, I clung on. I had friends there. I had learned and grown so much as a result of being part of that community.

Finally, I started having a recurring dream that I was attending high school after having already graduated. For a long time, I was baffled by the meaning of the dream. Then one day, after twisting my ankle on the way to a choir rehearsal, I got it.

I was done. I had graduated. I needed to leave.

Leaving was the right thing to do, but the grief went on for a long time. I missed the community. I missed singing in the choir. I missed feeling part of something bigger than me.

For years after I left, I would move in and out of a bargaining stance in relation to my old community. Maybe I could start going back. Maybe everything would be different now. My bargaining took the form of internal dialogue and actual visits to my former community.

It all ended the same way: It wasn’t my place any more. It was over.

A few months ago, I had lunch with a friend I’d originally met in that community. We hadn’t talked in years, and we were catching up on everything that had transpired in our lives since then.

Of particular interest to me was their report on my former community. It turned out that my friend rarely attended anymore. The community had a new minister. The congregation was about a quarter the size it had been. They were in a new building.

As she spoke, I was hit with a realization.

The community I had been grieving didn’t exist anymore.

All these years since I left, I’d been feeling cheated. If only that choir director hadn’t been such a jerk. I wouldn’t have been robbed of my community.

But what I was missing was gone. My victim stance was an illusion.

Since that first community, I’ve been a member of other spiritual centers. My life now involves traveling and being a part of many different spiritual communities.

Since my lunch with my friend, I’ve been feeling freer. I didn’t realize how heavy my grief and resentment were until I let them go.

It’s a beautiful reminder that often what we think we’re missing isn’t what we’re missing.

Change is a constant. I changed. The community changed. The community that fits me now is a huge one, with chapters all over the world.

I also know that my first community was a key part of my growth. I can’t deny that my heart opened a thousand-fold the first day I attended, all those years ago. That initial opening prepared me for my life now.

When I think of that old community now, sans resentment, there’s only one thing left:

Gratitude.

Will this experience help me lose the resentment quicker in future loss situations? Maybe. I hope so.

It’s certainly a template I will carry with me, going forward.

What I think I’ve lost may not exist anymore.

When it’s time to move on from a person/place/thing, I can feel the grief, sure. That’s part of the process.

But instead of staying stuck in long-term resentment over losing the person/place/thing, gratitude for what I gained is a much better way to go.

Which is, of course, yet another thing to be grateful for!

What is your experience with grief and gratitude? Share your comments below!

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