Some of you just read the title of this post and are now saying, “But Z, I thought your pronoun was ‘they’!”
You are correct. My pronouns are they/them/theirs. I define as gender-rich, and “they” is the pronoun that fits me best.
But other people don’t always remember this. Instead of saying “they”, they say, “she, I mean, they, sh** I’m sorry!”
It’s only natural.
For one thing, I went by “she” for a long time. It didn’t fit me for a long time, but there wasn’t a good alternative until “they” came along.
For another thing, I’m not 20 and neither are most of my friends. Most of us have had two choices, “she” or “he”, for as long as we’ve been breathing. Remembering to use “they” can take a while.
A year or so ago, Melissa and I did a Sunday morning service via livestream. The next day, I received a message from the husband of the minister. He apologized to me for using my pronouns incorrectly.
I barely remembered that he had used my pronouns incorrectly, as it happens so often. But I loved that he wrote me. And I told him so. I also told him that it wasn’t about doing it perfectly or getting it right every time. It was about trying. And connecting. And he was doing both of these things. Perfectly.
Because of that interaction, we have a closer connection. I love that he took the time to write me. I love that he had the courage to write me. I love that we were able to communicate and understand each other better.
These days, when I’m telling people about my pronouns, I often say that my pronoun is “they.” But then I add that my prounoun is also “she, I mean, they, sh** I’m sorry!”
It’s my way of saying that it’s okay to mess up. It’s okay to try and “fail.” Which is never a true fail, because the win is in the try.
As the definition of gender continues to expand and morph, there’s a lot of fear of getting it wrong.
I get it. I have that too when it comes to other people’s gender identity and expression.
But I’ll repeat here what I’ve heard said countless times:
It’s okay to ask someone what their pronouns are.
In fact, it’s more than okay. It’s awesome.
It’s not okay to ask someone you’ve just met about their body and whether they’ve had surgery or are on hormones or any other questions about their physical expression of gender. At least, not until you know that person waaaaaay better and have permission to ask such a thing.
But pronouns are a public currency. And “they” is a public currency that’s been around for a long time but is only recently making a comeback. It’s still finding its way into our minds and mouths.
Sometimes it comes out as “they.” Sometimes it comes out as “she, I mean, they, sh** I’m sorry!”
Either one is good, in my book. (My book is also a “they”, by the way. But it also answers to “she, I mean, they, sh** I’m sorry!”)
What’s your experience with pronouns? Share your experience below!
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Z, I appreciate your blog. I’m starting to get better at remembering.. highly imperfectly, of course. At first “they” would trigger my inner English teacher!!! And… it seems a simple thing to begin seeing and interacting with folks in a more authentic way. It reminds me a bit of the transition to using Ms so many years ago. I remember full well my desire to be seen and recognized on my own… not an appendage to my spouse. Also, getting exposed to Native perspectives around being two-spirited helps my rigid brain get it in a different way. Blessings to you, my they friend. Your generosity of spirit is a gift.
Hi Marina, Thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate you! XOZ
A few science fiction conventions had badge ribbons or buttons available with a selection of pronouns and some where you could write less common ones in. I am a cis-gendered woman and use she and her but I still wear the button because why not? Also it shows solidarity with those who are using pronouns that are different than their birth gender or what gender they are presenting as.
Hi Linda, Yes, absolutely. Cis-gendered folks using pronoun buttons make a big difference. Thank you for being an ally! XOZ
Since you asked…sometimes when I am conversation with lets say, my boss. I will say out loud “Gaelen thinks having Friday and Monday off works well.” I often think of myself as They when I refer to myself in conversation. Gaelen and Spirit is definitely a They. Thanks for delving into a pronoun conversation. Peace and Love, G
Hi Gaelen, Yes, you bring up a good point. I agree that Spirit is totally a they! It’s he, she, and everything! XOZ
Thank you Z for such loving education. I have comfortably worn the pronouns of she / her all my life and only recently been introduced to pronoun issues (OK, where have I been hiding??) I so appreciate your kindness and patience – and guidance! – for how to be respectful to my friends and fellows in the 12 step community – who are saying out loud what identities fit them. I have much to learn but your approach invites me in gently. Thank you.
Hi KC, Thank you for your comment. This is wonderful. And thank you for your openness and willingness to learn! BIG Love, XOZ
Hi Z, So glad you are blogging about this very important subject. My prodginy is a they and said it is the most loving and/or accepting thing one can do to acknowledge another’s pronoun. They present as female with a full beard and refer to themselves as non-binary. It is hard for cis-gender persons to realize that we are all on the gender spectrum, not totally male or female but somewhere in between. This allows us a great freedom to be just who we are. I love it. Also, to be aware that they have been a they since birth. That they did not transition from who they were to who they are now but realize the truth of who they are.
Hi Melanie, This is so beautifully stated. Thank you for your love and awareness. I appreciate it! XOZ
Hi Z,
I so relate to Marina’s comments above. Here I’ve know you for years and I still think the pronoun I most often use for you is “she, they sh**, I’m sorry. I’m a work in progress.
Love,
Tracy
Hi Tracy, But what a beautiful work in progress you are!!! I miss seeing you! BIG Love, XOZ
Hi Z,
Since I’ve HAD this conversation with you, and used your “she, I mean, they, sh** I’m sorry!” pronoun, I really appreciate this post. Naturally, I honor you in my heart, and want to honor you with my speech, as well. But it’s nice to receive this grace and understanding from you. Plus, conversation about social change and personal preference is GOOD. Thank you for writing this, and for being exactly who you are.
Love,
Tom
Hi Tom, Thank you so much. And thank you for being YOU as well! BIG Love, XOZ
I really have no comment here other than to say that I thoroughly enjoy and appreciate you and Melissa’s perspectives on just about everything (including this topic) you put out in your blog. You’ve brought a smile to my face on more than one otherwise bleak day.
Thanks for Being
Hi Brian, Thank you so much for this. I really appreciate it. BIG Love! XOZ
Hi Z,
Being one of those people who (at least to this point) has been straight, this was very informative. I will really try to say “they” when I talk to you, but 65 years of being in the dark has created a problem for me. You are a very loving person and a joy to be around, I really appreciate your openness on this subject.
I do have a question. He and she are singular while they means many. Why they? Confusion for me is easy. I hope I am not offending you. Are you thinking about two genders’. One you were born with and one that you really are? Do I have a foot in the mouth issues? I am just trying to understand and you gave me the courage to try.
Love,
Wynn
Hi Wynn,
Thank you for your questions!! Even though “they” sounds plural, people actually use it in singular form all the time. Like if you see a $100 bill on the ground, you might say, “Someone dropped $100 on the ground. I wonder if they realized they did that!” That’s an example of using the singular “they.” We use singular “they” all the time when we don’t know what someone’s gender is. So using “they” for a non binary person is the same, except it’s someone you DO know. Hope that makes sense. Let me know if it doesn’t!
The gender I was born with was “female.” The lingo around that these days is “Assigned Female at Birth,” or AFAB. But as I grew up, I realized that the “female” box doesn’t totally fit me. Neither does the “he” box. “They,” even though it’s used as the singular form, does have the implication of two things, as it’s often used in plural form as well. I think that’s why “they” has caught on as a good pronoun for us gender-rich types. “They” is referring to one person, but in my case, that one person has a whole lotta gender goin’ on!
Thank you again for your questions!! I really appreciate them!
XOZ