I am gender-rich.
It took me a long time to figure this out, but once I did, a lot of things fell into place.
I’ve already talked about what I used to describe as my gender-flexibility. I’ve discussed how this flexibility affects my choices of footwear. And my ability to access public restrooms. I’ve also shared an affirmation I’ve used to empower my unique gender expression. And why I changed my name to Z.
My embrace of the term gender-rich is the latest step in a long journey, one of clarifying my unique gender identity and expression.
My wife Melissa is the one who came up with the term gender-rich.
Like I said, I used to use the term gender-flexible to describe myself, but Melissa pointed out that this wasn’t quite accurate.
She noted that I don’t switch between expressing as one gender and then another, wearing dresses one day and bow ties the next.
Instead, I express a full range of gender all the time. Every day.
Gender-rich made a lot more sense.
I’ve been waiting a long time for people to start talking about folks like me. Folks for whom the gender binary is not a fit.
Because I don’t fit neatly into the “female” box, either in how I identify internally or express externally, I used to wonder if I was a transgender man.
Then I saw a documentary about a transman – someone who was assigned female at birth (AFAB) who underwent surgical and hormonal transition to align with their gender identity as male.
As I was watching the film, I realized that that was not me.
I also realized that I hadn’t yet heard or seen an accurate representation of someone like me.
And now I have.
Gender-rich.
Two of the more/ popular terms these days to describe folks who identify and express outside the gender binary are non-binary or gender non-conforming.
Neither of these are a fit for me. Both are describing something that I’m not, instead of what I am.
I’ve also started using “they” as a pronoun.
For those of you who are saying – I don’t get the they thing. They is plural! I said the same thing at first.
Then someone pointed out to me that there are two types of they. Singular they and plural they. We’ve all been using both singular and plural theys for a long time, often without realizing the difference.
As an example of use of singular they, imagine you’re walking down the street and see a hundred dollar bill on the ground. You say: Hmmm. Someone [a singular person] left this money on the ground. I wonder if they [a singular person] realized that they dropped this.
Using singular they to describe a single person when we don’t know if that person is male or female is something we do all the time.
The difference now is that singular they being used to describe someone you do know.
Me. And others like me.
Also, if you think about it, given that I express male and female and everything in between, they makes a lot of sense for someone like me. The fact that they can be used in both singular and plural forms is a great fit for a single individual who expresses a plurality of genders.
(For a great short article about the singular they, go HERE.)
So that’s where I am these days with the wild and wacky journey toward authentic gender expression.
Thank you for coming along for the ride!
What’s your experience of your own gender identity and expression? Share your comments below!
Hi Z,
Thanks for sharing more of your journey. It feels valuable to me to consider the topic of gender-richness also, even though I present pretty strongly as one gender. Most people would identify me immediately as female, but there are definitely ways that my behaviors could be classified as traditionally “male.” This leads me to consider the wisdom of dividing our world into what some think of as 2 opposites (as in the frequently used phrase “the opposite sex.”) I wonder: why we can’t all be gender rich? But perhaps you are referring here to appearance rather than behavior. At any rate, I think it worth asking that question, and thanks again for raising the topic and for sharing personally.
Hi Marilyn! Thank you so much for this. Yes, gender rich is something that we all, ultimately, are. But, like you say, some people seem to be very attached to those 2 different boxes. And gender identity, which is an internal experience, is different from gender expression, so you could definitely appear to most people as “female,” even though your internal experience is much more fluid. Hope that makes sense. Thank you so much for your comment!! XOZ
Hi Z, Thank You for this idea. When I was young I thought of gender as being identified by the X and Y chromosomes and sexual preference as being a straight line graph with everyone being somewhere between heterosexual and homosexual with bisexual in the middle. More recently I had begun to think of it as a two dimensional graph with everyone being somewhere on both the gender identity axis and sexual expression axis. Today I am seeing it as a 3 (or 4) dimensional graph – It is a much richer experience than the simple ideas of male and female or homosexual and heterosexual. Since I’ve never really fit into the stereotypes of girl or boy (tomboy?) or gay or straight (bi) I am happy with the idea of gender richness. BTW, The 4th dimension is time, since everyone is constantly changing and evolving.
Hi Eleanor, Wow – I love this. Thank you so much for this multi-dimensional conception. How beautiful! I also LOVE that you point out that the 4th dimension is time – with its constant change and evolution. BIG Blessings, Z
I love you so much!!! I think my heart just expanded into a celebratory explosion of love gushing unrestrained throughout every fiber of my being. Welcome home to ALL of @you beloved… welcome home ♡
Hi Rafe! Well, I’ll take a celebratory explosion of love gushing unrestrained any day!! Thank you, my friend. I love you too. XOZ
Z, This is a great topic and I love you have found your “theyness”! I have struggled with this topic for myself and even been upset with ithers who tried to help me alk g with any new label. My family renamed me Sal ( my initials are SAL) over 20 years ago and I decided I could be everything in Sal and Sal had no specificity to gender. It calms me to hear my name Sal. Sarah is a assigned at birth, work, formal “ label” for me now and its odd how I respond to it less and less. I live the “ gender richness” of this whole conversation. Perhaps more exploration could be a seminar or retreat?! …Sal
Hi Sal! Thank you for your contribution to this topic. I especially love that you say that it calms you to be called Sal – a wonderful affirmation if ever there was one. Congratulations on claiming all of yourself! XOZ