Dear Meli,
I have been a spiritual seeker for over forty years. I meditate daily and I try to be a good person in the world. My job for many years was in the non-profit arena, working with kids. Near the end of my time of working directly with kids (I eventually transferred to a supervisory position), I became burned out. I no longer had the energy or capacity to do my job 100%. Because of this, I started cutting corners. I skipped seeing some of my clients and fudged paperwork to make it look like I had. I felt horrible about this, but I also felt like I just couldn’t do the job anymore. It’s now been over twenty years since this happened, and I still feel horrible about it. I’ve never done anything like it again, and I never intend to, but I still can’t let the old me off the hook. Like I said, I am a spiritual seeker who tries to be a good person, and my past behavior seriously falls short of this intention. Do you have any words of wisdom for me?
Gutted With Guilt
Dear Gutted,
Aw, sweetheart! That is a long time to carry anything – especially something so heavy – as you try to move on and life the rest of your life!
I think feeling guilty about something we did that wasn’t in alignment with our values and integrity is a great thing. It acts as a thermometer, there for us to keep ourselves in check. To stay real about how we’re doing.
But sometimes the guilt hangs on long past its expiration date. And then it starts to wreak havoc on our self-esteem. If we let its voice get too loud in our head, or give it airtime for too long, it can distract us to the point where we can’t present in the now moment! This is when it’s definitely no longer serving a beneficial purpose.
It sounds like you were being guided by your own inner truth-telling self that it was time for you to leave that position. But change can be scary and challenging. And finding a new job can be terrifying! Survival mode kicks in and can make us stay in situations long past their expiration date. So I can certainly understand trying to make it work to stay longer.
I agree that your choices at that time were less than ideal. But it sounds like you clearly learned from them.
We all have regrets. Things we’ve said and not said, done and not done. Some of those things are bigger than others. But to me, the purpose of our being wired to have regrets is a very good thing! It keeps us from being sociopaths, causing damage everywhere we go. Regrets are not, in and of themselves, a bad thing.
But like with any psychological wiring, things can go haywire. If we listen to the old voice of guilt or shame from past regrets for years and year, we’re stuck back there and not being present today. It can make us less efficient and present to the needs of those around us today! I don’t think your future or past self would approve of that.
Have you ever asked yourself how you might respond if you had a friend ask you this same question? I bet you’d be much more gentle and compassionate in your reply to them. You’d likely be able to separate their actions from the person, understanding that the choices were made in an unusually stressful time. The choices made were the best they could come up with at the time. Perhaps you can give yourself some of this same compassion and understanding?
Also, the version of you who made those choices no longer exists! They are long gone. Twenty years ago gone! Let them rest where they were. Let them be. You have carried forth the lessons from that time. The rest can stay where it happened.
Here are some things you might consider trying to support yourself in “catching up” to life:
1) Write an apology letter, or a few. These would just be as an exercise, not to send them. Fully express, in detail, to your previous employer, your previous clients, and your past and future (now) self what you did and why, and how you feel about it today. Then remind yourself how you were feeling back then. That feeling of burnout and the inability to carry through on the expectations of your position.
Then look at who you are today, how far you’ve come. Remind that younger version of yourself that they were not being a bad person. They were making a mistake while doing the best they could at the time.
Say out loud, “I have paid for this mistake with 20 years of guilt. I learned my lesson and would never do it again. The debt is settled!”
2) When you remember that time, speak kindly to that younger version of yourself. Perhaps say what you might say to a beloved friend in a similar situation.
3) When you notice your judgment come to visit again, breathe deeply into it. Allow the feelings of guilt to be, but remind them that you are here. Now. In this present moment. Where that guilt has nothing to do with who you are or what you’re choosing today. Focus on becoming deeply present, noticing the details of what’s going on around you in this moment.
One could say that this entire issue, you carrying this guilt for all these years, is a beautiful thing. It’s because you have a conscience. And this experience reveals both your beautiful heart and how deeply you value honesty!
As you have said that you have never done anything else like that since, and don’t intend to – this sounds like someone who learned the lesson that the guilt came to teach. Thank that guilt! Job well done! And I do mean DONE!
Blessings and Love to you,
Melissa
What is your experience with guilt about past mistakes? Share your comments below!
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