[pic of person saying whoops!]
I’m a big fan of boundaries. They’ve been a lifesaver for me.
That’s not to say it’s easy to set them. It’s still hard for me to set boundaries, even after years of planting those suckers all over the place.
In spite of the often-difficulty of setting them, I like to think I know pretty much everything about the beautiful and bodacious world of boundaries. I even wrote a post ages ago called 6 Things You Need to Know About Boundaries, Plus the Best Demonstration of Boundaries Ever! Sounds pretty exhaustive, yes?
But no! I recently learned something new about boundaries. Me, the absolute Boundary Know It All!
It happened when I was reading a book about the Enneagram. I’m reeeeeeeally into the Enneagram. Maybe even more than boundaries. Hard to believe, I know, but true. (If you’re into the Enneagram as well, or even if you’re not, you can read some of my posts about it here and here.)
In this book, I was reading about the Enneagram Type 9. Type 9s have a hard time saying No. Actually, they have a hard time knowing what their needs are in the first place, and once they get clear on that, they have a hard time asking for what they want.
So boundaries are really crucial for 9s. Boundaries are crucial for all of us (except 8s), but especially for 9s. This book (BTW it was “The Wisdom of the Enneagram” by Riso and Hudson) said that when 9s first start setting boundaries, it’s okay to say No too often at first.
Whaaaaaaaat? It’s okay to say No too often?!
For those of us for whom boundaries are difficult, it’s hard to say No once. Let alone this mystical and mysterious too often.
It blew my mind.
Riso and Hudson were talking specifically about 9s, but as far as I’m concerned, the message applies to anyone who needs help with boundary setting. And that includes pretty much all of us. (Except 8s. Like I said.)
My Enneagram friends then proceeded to say that when it comes to setting boundaries, if you’re going to “err, err on the side of overdoing No, until you become more practiced at it.”
Again, whaaaaaaaat?!?!
I loved this. It was like being given a free, lifetime ticket to set as many boundaries as I want.
[pic of tic!]
Not to say I’m going to go crazy with boundary setting. We’ve already established that boundaries can be hard for me. But still.
In my Know It All post about boundaries ages ago, I pointed out that the most difficult part of boundary setting often comes right after you set the boundary.
You feel bad. You feel guilty. You feel like you’re a horrible person who deserves nothing but misery for the pain you’ve inflicted upon someone by setting a boundary.
The hardest part of boundary setting is sitting in this discomfort.
Eventually, the discomfort passes. And eventually, you get better at sitting with it until it passes. And eventually beyond that, you don’t feel as much discomfort in the first place because you see the value in setting boundaries – both for you and for the people in your life.
And that’s what I especially liked about this new Say-No-A-Lot-At-First edict.
If I’ve set a boundary, and I’m sitting in the discomfort, I can remind myself that it’s better to say No too often than not enough. Especially if this is in an area where I’m new to setting boundaries. I don’t need to second guess my actions. Is this boundary in the category of perfect, appropriate boundary? Or is it in the category of slightly overkill boundary? It doesn’t matter! The most important thing is that I’ve set a boundary. Yay for me!
I would also add to the Say-No-A-Lot-At-First edict, that for some people, and I’m including myself in this “some,” boundaries never really get easy. And so remembering the Say-No-A-Lot-At-First can apply for a lonnnnnnnng time.
Even after years of setting them, I still found the edict refreshing. And liberating.
Also, I would venture to say that most of us for whom boundaries are difficult aren’t going to go crazy with this edict. What feels like “too much” for us is often just right. Holding the idea to stretch into a comfort with setting boundaries, and setting them often (which again, is usually just enough) is incredibly empowering.
And if there’s one thing shaky boundary setters need, it’s a feeling of empowerment. After all, it’s a lack of empowerment that led to all those shattered boundaries of yesteryear.
Say-No-A-Lot-At-First is basically the idea that when you first learn something, you have to practice it again and again. That’s what makes you good at it. Or, in my case, still hesitant sometimes but willing to keep going anyway.
I guess you could say I’m a Know It All about boundaries because I’m still learning to use them.
I’m okay with that.
What’s your experience with setting boundaries? Share your comments below!
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