Dear Meli,
I have been part of a meditation group for a long time. One of the members is an old friend. For a while now, my friend has been wanting more and more of my time. I love my friend, but I feel drained after hanging with him. At first I blamed this on other things – my own stress, not enough sleep, etc. But over time I’m seeing that it seems to be my body’s reaction to spending time with him. I’m not sure what to do. I can’t imagine cutting off the friendship, especially because we’re in the meditation group together. But my energy seems to be giving me a clear message. I keep waiting for this to change, but it’s hasn’t. If anything, I’m noticing it even more. Any suggestions?
Fried Friend
Dear Fried,
Congratulations to you on finding a meditation group that you’ve been in for a long time! Yum! And so smart!
Thank you for writing about your old friend. I’m afraid I agree about the energy drop you experience as a signal from your body. The signal is saying, “Not a fit!”
I hate that! I know you might too.
The best approach I’ve found, for me, when this is happening is to back away slowly. Maybe when you do get together, you schedule it up against something else for which you have to leave, spending less time with them. And do your best to allow more and more time between hang-times. Text less, take longer to reply, etc. This allows the friendship to remain loving, kind, and drama-free while you still honor your body’s knowing guidance.
Another good thing about the slow fade approach is that it allows you to gauge the effect of your friend’s energy on you when you do get together. Still fried? Keep fading. Suddenly feeling more energy and aliveness? Experiment with spending a little more time with him and see what happens.
In my experience, body signals of fatigue over a long period of time in relation to certain people is usually a signal that I need to move away. But maybe this is different for you. Maybe there’s a shorter amount of time to spend with him that does work for you. Only you will know what’s right for you. The important thing is to continue to respect your energy. Even when it’s telling you things that are hard to hear.
All relationships change in time. We get closer with people or we grow apart. Endless variations on these two, over and over. This is friendships and life.
When we grow closer over time, it leads to the most rich and rewarding friendships! Love those!
When one of those cherished and long-standing friendships starts to leave you drained, it’s the hardest. Because there is a loss of what was.
One thing that I try to remember when I’m feeling this loss and grief is that what I am grieving no longer exists. What I don’t want to let go of is already gone. That friendship that lifted and blessed both of us is no longer here in the present.
We can analyze why till we’re literally out of breath. But it won’t change things. Ultimately, I think the phrase “We’ve grown apart” sums it up the best. (Even if it’s never said aloud to your friend.) Growing apart can look like a lot of different things. But it still comes back to no longer being in alignment for your highest and best. And it’s not anyone’s fault.
Another thing I try to remember in these times is that what is for my highest and best is absolutely for their highest and best too. If they’re busy spending a lot of time with you, they’re not free and available to find new friends who lift them up, whom they also lift. And this is who they should be spending their time with!
If you choose to do this slow-fade approach, you’re allowing a natural dying down of the old momentum. Be honest about your need to take down-time for yourself when there’s an offer to go out together, for instance. And don’t feel the need to give more detail than that. Avoiding over-explaining will allow it to be more gentle and smooth.
When you’ve got your meditation group, you can remain neutral but kind toward your old friend, but treat it as a separate event. Not a social gathering, or time for catch-up. You might even choose to arrive just as the meditation is starting, and leave more quickly after, during this fading-out time-period.
Another thing you might try is to add spiritual practices to protect your energy, for before and after your group. Before you enter, do a brief intention-setting. Remind yourself that you are safe. Maybe even surround yourself in a bubble of loving light, and stay in that bubble throughout the group event. Or create a mantra to repeat throughout the group, or during your non-meditating time there. Something along the lines of: “My energy belongs to me. And I’m right here, safe in my own space.”
Practice grounding physically while there. You can use an object to support this, like a small stone in your pocket, or just feel the earth pushing up into the bottoms of your feet.
Sit somewhere farther away from your old friend without being rude or obvious. And, of course, dive deep into your own personal practice while there. (What a great opportunity for that!)
Once you leave, you also might consider “Shaking it off.” This is a practice Z and I use regularly. It’s a great way to release whatever you might be taking with you that you’d rather not. (We also do it before eating, to make sure we’re eating our food and not our feelings.)
Shake (and make noise, if you’re in a location that allows for it), sensing your body freeing itself of whatever energies aren’t completely yours. Then take a few deep breaths in, and out. Allow yourself to ground in place, releasing any stress and filling up with this moment, and your own energy.
Any other cleansing rituals you might have can also support you afterward. Again, this is just for the initial period of fading away, and shouldn’t be necessary for a long time.
You can do things like washing your face and wrists. Singing an upbeat song in your car as you drive away. Dancing off the energy, for at least one song, once home.
Let it go. Knowing that no one is wrong, even if this all feels hard or sad.
And remember that honoring your body’s signals and guidance is the best way for you to honor the guidance from The All. The body is your antenna to Universal guidance. So you’re very wise, indeed, to listen up!
Sending you Blessings and Love to you in all you do,
Melissa
What is your experience with changing friendships? Share your comments below!
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