Dear Meli,

I’m a nice guy. Really, I am. It aligns with who I am and my spiritual values. But maybe I’m too nice? I have a tendency to be drawn to people who need my help. And while it feels really good to help them, I’m starting to wonder if it’s a trap. I recently got out of a long-term relationship with a guy who needed a lot of help. What caused me to leave was that I realized I could never give him enough. I also came to see that my needs weren’t important to him at all. Now that I’m dating again, I seem to be most drawn to guys who are like my ex. Help!

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Dear Too Nice,

Yes! There is, indeed, such a thing as being too nice! I didn’t used to think. But then, I used to get chewed and spit out by people too. So there’s that!

Being kind is always a great idea, in my opinion. However, it is one thing to support someone who wants – and will actually utilize and be served by – the support. It is altogether another thing to “support” someone who just wants attention and time from you. Someone who knows what to say to get you to spend your energy and attention on them, but has no intention (or ability) to ever give back. These are folks Dr Christiane Northrup describes in her book “Dodging Energy Vampires.”

When I first heard the title for Dr. Northrup’s book, I felt excited. “Ooh! Maybe there’s hope for me. Maybe I can learn to have impeccable boundaries and self-care and not get so burned out!” My next thought was, “Ouch. Energy vampires is a harsh term. I wouldn’t wanna refer to anyone I know with that term!” That was until I started to read her description of energy vampires, and the level of fall-out their subjects (victims?) have – psychically and physically! Now I think it’s a perfectly apt term. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has ever wondered if maybe they’re sometimes “too nice.”

Meanwhile, back to you. There’s great news! There is a way out. It’s not necessarily comfortable, but it’s worth it! Repeat after me:

“No!”

“I’m not available.”

“I’ll have to get back to you on that.”

“I can’t give you that.”

“Noooooo.”

“Nope.”

“Nada.”

“I got nothing for ya’.”

These are all healthy phrases for you to practice. Memorize them. Say them in the mirror. And then practice on your most needy not-actually-real-friends! And when you feel the inevitable guilt that follows? Celebrate! You are on the road to being free of the psychic drain that can turn into physical dis-ease!

You deserve to feel good after you’ve spent time with your beloveds.

Indeed, one way to know if someone is an appropriate fit for you is that very gauge. How do you feel after spending time with them? If you feel drained (consistently, of course…I mean, everyone has needy periods, now and then), this is the Universe’s way of letting you know: NOT a fit!

If, on the other hand, you feel uplifted after spending time with them: A fit! And you deserve to feel uplifted!

My suggestion is that you heal the origins of this tendency to draw vampires into your life before you dive back in to dating. Otherwise, you can be sure you’ll find another person who’s not a great complement for your wellness. The wait will be well-worth it in the end! I promise.

And let us know how it goes!

Love and Blessings,

Meli

What is your experience with being too nice? Share your comments below!

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