Is it possible to have too much love for yourself? Is that a thing?

A friend of mine has two kids, a girl and a boy. When the kids were little, their school had them fill out a self-evaluation form. They had to assess their skills across a variety of areas.

The boy assessed himself harshly. He said he wasn’t good in any subject and had a long way to go to achieve competence. The girl was the opposite. She said she was great in every area and there was no need to improve. No notes!

In actuality, the boy was a stellar student. He was excelling in every subject. The girl was the opposite. She was barely skating by.

Their assessments were totally inaccurate.

I thought of my friend’s kids when I was reading a great book recently: Emotional First Aid by Guy Winch. Winch covers a bunch of mental health subjects and gives practical advice for topics such as guilt, rejection, and failure.

One of the topics covered is low self-esteem. Given that low self-esteem is so prevalent, and given that I have just a wee bit of experience in this area, I read the chapter with interest.

My biggest “ah ha” from Winch was that your self-esteem can actually be too high.

At first, this didn’t make sense to me. Isn’t it good to have high self-esteem?

But then I thought of people we would describe as narcissists. Their self-view is totally inflated. According to Winch, “People with very high self-esteem tend to blame others for their own mistakes, they reject negative feedback as unreliable, and they often struggle to accept the consequences of their own actions.”

Another quality of inflated self-esteem is that it’s fragile. Any perceived insult or slight renders these folks extremely hurt, angry, and liable to lash out.

Although Winch doesn’t talk about spirituality in his book, I thought about his ideas in that context. Once we begin a spiritual path, and we begin to observe the contents of the mind, we might notice that our ego can come across very much like those folks with inflated self-esteem.

The ego blames others. It rejects negative feedback. It doesn’t want to take responsibility for its actions. And, like those with inflated self-esteem, the ego is ultimately fragile. It is quick to feel hurt. It is frequently angry. And it often wants to lash out at others, even if only in the confines of its own internal reality.

A major task of the spiritual journey is stepping back from the ego. Not taking it so seriously. Allowing its constant gripes and whining to fade ever-so-gently into the background.

Once our focus is turned inward, as it is in spiritual practice, we begin to realize that the inflated notions of the ego are, as Winch notes, incredibly fragile. We begin to observe the low self-esteem that hides behind the inflation.

But, as Winch also notes, the goal for those with low self-esteem is not inflated self-esteem but healthy self-esteem. This is also on the trajectory of the spiritual path.

Indeed, the approaches Winch recommends to turn low self-esteem into healthy self-esteem are familiar to any of us on a personal growth journey: Adopt self-compassion. Lower negative self-talk. Affirm your strengths.

While the spiritual path contains all three components mentioned by Winch – inflated, low, and healthy self-esteem – it also includes a component not mentioned by Winch at all.

Spiritual self-esteem.

As we begin to progress spiritually, we begin to know that we are loved unconditionally by the Divine.

In terms of truly healing low self-esteem, I would say that gliding into spiritual self-esteem is the best remedy ever. The ego is viewed in its ultimate perspective. As just an aspect of us, but not all that we are. 

Which brings me back to the question at the beginning of this post: Can you love yourself too much?

I would say that it depends on the “you” in question. If the “you” is your small self, your human ego self, then yes. Inflated self-love can be a problem.

But if the “You” in question is your Higher Self? Then, no. The love from your Higher Self, from Spirit, can never be inflated.

Spirit can never love you too much because you are the love of Spirit. Love made you. Love makes all of us. Love is all we are.

Can we love ourselves too much? Not if Spirit’s involved.

And those of us on the spiritual path know that Spirit’s always involved.

So bring on the Love!

What’s your experience with low self-esteem? Share your comments below.

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