Let’s be real, depression is not anyone’s friend.
Does anyone think depression is their pal?
There’s that whole tortured artist brouhaha about needing drugs/mental illness/angst in order to create aaaaaart.
Yeah.
I call BS on that.
Indeed, the main Source needed to create art is a connection with, well, Source.
And being depressed seriously messes with that.
The first time I encountered depression in any form was during adolescence.
Up until sixth grade, things were pretty good.
Then I hit my teens and suddenly everything sucked. Like reeeeeeally sucked.
I hated myself. I hated my body. I hated my life.
At one point, I developed anorexia and lost so much weight my parents had to stage an intervention with a friend who was a doctor. Luckily, it worked. But I was still severely unhappy.
I remember studying the French existentialists in high school. You know, that fun “life is meaningless” crew?!
My teacher let me know that I seemed to embrace their philosophy a little too wholeheartedly.
I didn’t know what she was talking about. As far as I was concerned, those existentialists got it.
Life was absolutely and utterly meaningless, and there was nothing anyone could do about it.
Yeah.
Good times!
Things got a little better for me in college, but I was still unhappy a lot. A lot.
In order to self-soothe, I turned to sugar. You know the stuff. That fun little “treat” that jacks you up high, high, high, then pulls you down, down, down.
As with any attempt to self-medicate, my drug of choice was actually perpetuating the symptom it was supposed to alleviate.
The first big relief from the blues came when I was 23 years old.
Two key things happened when I was 23:
1. I discovered that Source was real. Like, I could communicate with It. And It could communicate with me. It blew my mind.
2. In all that wonderful new communication, Source guided me to stop eating sugar.
Once I got off sugar, I realized I’d been depressed the entire time I’d been abusing sugar.
That is, since 6th grade.
Hmmmmm. Interesting.
Also around this time, I started meditating, exercising regularly, and eating well. Getting off sugar allowed me to readjust my palate to appreciate actual food.
All of these things helped a lot with pushing away depressive symptoms.
But here’s the thing.
If I don’t do certain things – meditate, eat well, exercise, stay off sugar, and get enough sleep, another key factor – I’m at risk.
Thankfully, I’ve been able to stay on course with all these things, for the most part. The one that occasionally falls off is sleep.
And when I don’t get enough sleep?
Let’s just say I climb back in bed with the existentialists. Well, not bed exactly, because there’s no sleeping involved. I go off to the café with the French dudes, where we sit up all night and talk about the absurdity of our meaningless existences.
Bon Temps! (Good Times! In French!)
What’s weird these days is that I’m out there, in the public eye, promoting positivity as a way of life.
So when I’m feeling blue, that’s serious fodder for me and the French dudes.
Look at you! Who would be motivated by you? You are a tiny barnacle on the ass of Life. You can’t even motivate yourself to feel better about anything. Why are you even bothering? You need to quit. Quit everything. Right now! Au Revoir!!!!!
I have friends who have tried anti-depressants, and I know that, for them, it has been a life-saver. I’ve thought about them at various times, but so far it seems that my exercise/diet/sleep/meditate combo does the trick. At least, as long as I actually do all those things.
Thus, I have to be very careful and very vigilant to keep those things in place.
(The diet/exercise/sleep/meditation quartet also works for me because my depressive episodes could be categorized as more like dysthymia than major depression. In cases of major depression, medication can be a key factor in recovery.)
I wanted to write this post for three reasons.
First, I wanted to cop to the fact that I’m not always super super cheery.
(I’ve noticed that, when I share this with folks who only know the public side of me, they seem relieved.)
Second, I wanted to share what’s worked for me to stave off the French existentialists.
Third? I wanted to talk about this issue because Melissa and I had a friend take her own life last year. A friend who was depressed and refused to go on medication, even though she was told it could save her life.
Like I say, medication is not a route that I’ve needed to embark upon. So far.
But if I was told it could save my life? I hope I would take it.
I hope you would take it too.
Or if the sleep/diet/exercise/meditation combo could work to improve any of the symptoms you’re now having, I hope you’d check them out.
The main thing I try to remember is who my friends are.
Depression? Sugar? The French dudes?
Not my friends.
Meditation? Exercise? Healthy diet? Sleep?
My friends!
So here’s to knowing our true friends. And hanging out with them as often as possible!
(Sorry French dudes. Have No Fun without me!)
What is your experience with dealing with depression? Share your comments below.
Thank you for sharing your truth again, Z. For so long, there’s been such misunderstanding around the phenomenon of depression, but it seems like that is gradually changing. And when people actually talk about the black dog in the room, like you just have, it brings to light this challenge that so many (me also) struggle with. It is a step away from the dark closet of shame and into the sunshine of Spirit. Thanks for taking that step. I, too, lost a friend to suicide this past year, which may have influenced a little emotional “dip” I experienced myself. This has been a decades-long struggle that, at times, has become almost more than I could bear. I thank you for putting yourself out there to keep the conversation going about this difficult snarl of emotions (which is how I sometimes think of depression). May we all walk in the light! And when some of us can’t see the light, may the rest of us BE that light.
HI Marilyn,
Thank you for this comment. I’m so sorry that you also lost a friend recently. It’s a tough one, isn’t it?! And it can definitely affect those left behind.
And I love what you say about how we can keep each other feeling better. I recently read a post about a therapist who is using texts – and reaching out to her suicidal clients with simple texts just to let them know she’s thinking about them. Just that feeling of being connected to each other is soooooo important.
Happy New Year and Big Love and Blessings, Z
Thanks, Z, my sugar addiction has been up which leads to less sleep and less exercise, and that’s a problem. SO I needed to read you blog today. I am grateful and I am going for a bike ride right now!
Hi Venus,
Yes, that’s a good point. Those less-than-ideal habits can connect to each other in less-than-ideal ways!
Hope you had a great bike ride!!
Love and Blessings, Z
I love how you write so openly about your struggles. It’s helpful to read. I like the friends analogy to helpful behaviors. I need to go to bed soon! Sleep is so important to me. 💤
Hi Jan,
Thank you – I’m glad that you found this helpful! Hope you had a good sleep!! And a Happy New Year!!
Love and Blessings, Z
Beautiful and transparent post, Z. Like you, sleep is key for me. My feller Mark and our four fur babies live in mortal fear of disrupting my sleep cycle in any way. That is the time I would go from Pollyanna to the Wicked Witch of the West at warp speed. I also meditate, eat reasonably well, and do yoga, garden, and of course choose better-feeling thoughts whenever I start to react negatively to life’s slings and arrows. Another tool that Mark and I are trying out is CBD (hemp) oil. We recently joined the CTFO company (direct marketing). It has enabled him to return to the tennis court with no back pain, and I’m finding it gives a nice little boost in my feelings of well-being. Nothing takes the place of directing our mental focus in good-feeling ways, but it’s certainly nice that we have discovered these various tools to make it easier. Omgosh, laughing so hard at your (accurate) portrayal of the French existentialists. Decades ago, I too related well to those fellas. Maintenant non!!!
Hi Karen,
Happy New Year! Yeah, that sleep thing really is sooooooooo important, isn’t it? Sounds like we turn into lookalikes when we’re sleep deprived!
Thank you for these descriptions of all the things you do to keep you in a better place – including, of course, our dear friend Abe!
And happy that you’ve kicked those French existentialists out of your head!
Love and Blessings, Z
I would not call it depression. Rather it is a pessimistic mental outlook. Depression is a medical condition that will not go away without intervention. I had it for most of my life. It is hard to explain why negative things keep popping in one’s head when one chases them off so consistently. I would never choose depression. It is a killer- literally a killer. the term depression is used loosely by society and as a result, it is misunderstood as a constant bad mood or poor outlook on life.
That said, my life as a creative person was cut off when I was depressed. Now my challenge is to return to creative habits. I need to be on myself to not berate me for not doing more. Fortunately, I have Al-Anon and you guys, my reminders and cheerleaders.
Hi Nora,
Thank you for that clarification. The word depression has come to mean many things, and what you are describing is indeed a clinical description of depression. As I said, my episodes have been categorized as more like dysthymia, including when I was severely anorexic as a teen. As least, that was how it was described to me when I was getting my counseling degree. What you are describing is indeed even more debilitating and dangerous.
I am grateful that you are now able to be more connected to your creative self. And that you have wonderful supports to keep you in a better place. (Including us! We love having you as one of our people!) And being gentle with yourself sounds awesome – ALWAYS a good idea!!!
BIG Love and Blessings to you, Z
I see it as you are a PP pessimistic perfectionist with your optimistic side slightly hidden sometimes
Hi Gaelen, So that’s a PP with an OSSHS! I’ll take it! 🙂 XOZ
Thank you for sharing this Z! Wow! So honest and eye opening!
Last year I was diagnosed bipolar and I am learning to practice healthier sleeping habits. Fatigue and lack of sleep is what led to my first manic episode last year at 43.
I’ve always worked out and eaten healthy but the sleep thing I’ve neglected under the guise of being an artist and believing I had to suffer and struggle to be successful.
I am now choosing a healthier way to live, (sleep being a huge part of that), healthy thoughts, cultivating a personal relationship with God, along with working out, journaling, meditating, community and communication. Thank you again Z for your honesty and for the opportunity to share.
Hi Sauda, Great to hear from you. Thank you for your honest sharing as well. Sleep is SOOO important, isn’t it? It sounds like you have lots of other wonderful strategies to keep yourself healthy. Also, I hear you about that whole “suffering/struggle = success” lie. It feels really good to let that GO!!! Lots of love to you, XOZ