Dear Meli,
The holidays are upon us. Yikes! I know everyone loves Christmas – or a lot of people do – but I’m not one of them. My mom died a few years ago, and ever since then my older brother has taken over being the host for Christmas. My brother is a really hard person for me to be around. We had a really difficult time after my mom died with settling her estate. My brother did some things that were, in my opinion, totally out of integrity. And it’s not just that. He dominates every conversation, he’s bossy, he has a temper. Not so fun to be around. Here’s the thing: I don’t want to spend Christmas with him. But he’s my brother – it’s a major should. Several other members of my family will also be there, so it’s a tough call. Any ideas for how to handle this?
Bothered by Brother
Dear Bothered,
Ahhhh, yes. Christmas and family and the holidays. A never-ending opportunity for spiritual evolution! Free workshop, anyone?!
There is no right answer for this. So many people say “It’s all about family.” I personally think it depends on the family. And your own heart.
One possibility is that maybe you could express your feelings to your brother? Even if he doesn’t ever change, you’ll have tried. And maybe you’ll have supported his psychological and/or spiritual growth.
However, I understand that may not be an option. And unsolicited feedback is a very tricky thing.
Bottom line? My opinion (for which I know many will judge me harshly) is that your happiness is more important than the social pressure to make family of origin a priority. I think there are ways to express love and gratitude for family members without spending particular days with them.
There came a time in my own life when I realized I wanted to dramatically re-think what the holidays meant to me. I wanted my holiday traditions to reflect my personal values. I wanted to spend time, for instance, on Christmas morning in conscious connection and spiritual practice. I prefer to bask in the Love of the Christ Consciousness on Christmas morning rather than opening gifts and eating food that makes me feel sick. Just a personal choice.
Don’t get me wrong. I love getting presents and eating delicious food (especially delicious health-giving food!) I just don’t want my holidays to be all about that.
I’ll tell you what I came up with then, as my favorite Thanksgiving and Christmas Day traditions:
I sleep in as late as possible, then wake up and meditate. As part of this reflection time, I feel and express gratitude for all religions and all the variations of people celebrating Spirit this time of year. I give myself the gift of a leisurely morning in bed, first in meditation and prayer and then being present with what matters most to me, time with my beloved – the best gift of all! Then we get out in nature one way or another, if possible. Eventually, we might spend some time with others. And we usually do eat something special to celebrate.
I share this with you not because I think it’s the right or best way. It’s not even the way I celebrate every Thanksgiving and Christmas! But it is the flow of the day that most expresses my values, aligning with what I most celebrate about life. About my life.
So I say – if you check in and can honestly say you enjoy spending time with family, by all means, spend time with family! If you feel clear that it will not bring joy to your day or your life, I highly recommend getting clear about what would bring you joy. How might you spend your day in a way that would reflect what matters to you? And then, I suggest you try it out. You might be amazed at how freeing and healing it can be.
May you give yourself the gift of joy and freedom this year! Blessings and Love to you in all you do.
In Joy,
Melissa
What is your experience with family and the holidays? Share your comments below!
Have a question for Meli? Contact her at meli@ohmygodlife.com
