Dear Meli,
My best friend has a new partner. At first, I was really happy for her. But the last few times I’ve hung out with both of them, I’m noticing that my friend’s partner is not nice to her. It’s pretty stressful to be around. I wasn’t sure whether or not to say something to my friend, but I finally did. My friend just made excuses for her partner – he was tired, having a bad day, etc. Now I’m finding that I don’t really want to be around my friend when her partner is around – which is most of the time. I’m feeling really sad and stressed for my friend and I’m sure what to do. Help!
Freaked Out Friend
Dear Freaked,
Thank you for writing. I’m so sorry for your stress, and for your friend!
I think it was loving and brave for you to say something to your friend about the way she’s being treated. Relationships are so complicated. Right?
The fact that she’s defending the behavior means that, for now, this relationship is a fit for her. It might not be a fit for long. And you and I might think it’s very sad that it’s a fit. But for whatever combination of reasons, it’s “working” for her for now.
So you’re left with deciding how to navigate this going forward. You could reach out to socialize and hang out with your friend alone, and decline attending situations where they’re both going to be present. Personally, I’d probably start there.
You can assume that there may come a time when she needs someone to lean on about her relationship. Letting her know you’re available to listen any time can be a tremendous calming influence. Meanwhile, practicing a detached compassion can do wonders to keep you in your own inner peace while being with your friend.
There’s no way to know how long it might be before she starts to see the patterns you’ve already noticed. They say that those of us who stay in abusive relationships believe it’s appropriate that we be treated the way we’re being treated. Yes! This is heartbreaking. I’ve been there and know…both as the abused partner and as the friend of one. It’s painful to witness. And more painful still to be in the dynamic of that kind of relationship.
We care about our friends. So we think they should be treated as the wonderful beings they are! But if they don’t agree, they’re likely to attract others who align with the idea that they deserve less.
Abusers have a pattern which includes isolating their abused partner from their previous friendships. It allows them more freedom to erode the self-worth of their victim. The best thing you can do to support your friend is to invite her to activities that support her remembering who she was before this relationship. What did you two used to do together that was most fun and/or invigorating?
It’s also imperative to remember, along the way, that you are her supporter, witnessing her truth along her way. Remember that you cannot and should not try to be her savior. She is on her own journey. Honoring that is the most respectful way to treat her.
Because it’s causing you discomfort, that’s where you need to focus. Keep yourself out of the situations that are painful. Prioritize your own peace of mind. Remember that honoring your own needs around this is not selfish, but necessary!
I have friends who have let their friends know that they’re going to back away from their friendship because of this before they back away. Others simply step back. Still others do all they can to maintain the friendship and keep the abusive partner out of their social time together.
Only you can know which of these is right for you at any given time.
Whatever you choose, reminding her that she is loved by you, and that you are available any time she needs you, can do wonders for her heart. Even if you say this as you step back. Knowing that if she’s ever in need of help, she can come to you. This will help her know she’s not alone. Which could support her incredibly in the future!
If you ever fear for her physical safety, there are resources that can support you in helping her. One of those resources is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You or she can call and chat with a counselor there by calling 800–799–7233.
Take care of your heart to continue to be the best friend you can be. You started by writing. So thank you for that.
With the best of wishes to you both!
Blessings and Love to you in all you do,
Melissa
What is your experience with friends and abusive partners? Share your comments below.
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