Dear Meli,

My husband and I have been together almost 20 years. Great, right? Yeah, it’s pretty good overall. There’s just one little problem. He drives me crazy. He’s not abusive or anything, it’s not that. He just gets on my nerves. The way he gets really quiet and needs tons of time alone before he can talk about what he’s feeling. The way he goes along with members of his family of origin even though he doesn’t agree with them. Even the way he talks sometimes. He just annoys me. I do love him, but…. Help! 

Miffed and Married

Dear Miffed,

Yay you for being in a “pretty good overall” relationship after 20 years. And yay you for reaching out for support in deepening the “good” of that too.

Living together with one person for a long period of time can be challenging. Some say that the things we most appreciate about someone in the beginning are the very things that bug us as time progresses. I think all of us come together for our perfect evolution.

There are two primary approaches I would suggest in such a situation:

First of all, I recommend making lists of the things you appreciate about your husband. Big things and small! You can share these with him, or not. The purpose of this is to remind you of the reasons you like him.

You could start by recollecting some of the things you originally fell in love with, 20 years ago. This can be a great place to start. It’s the intention, though, of regularly looking for the good that will begin to shift things.

The second approach is that you take each thing that gets on your nerves and reflect more deeply on it. I would venture to guess there is a wellspring of blessings for you in this.

I suggest Byron Katie’s “The Work” as one possible way to go. You inquire, within yourself, about the reality of what is bothering you. There is a story you are telling yourself that is creating the “rub.” Generally the story is, “He shouldn’t be like that.” It can be powerfully helpful to turn that around, take it apart, and try it on in different ways.

For instance, it seems that you think he shouldn’t need to take time alone to gather his feelings before sharing them with you. Might you be judging yourself about how much time you take for accessing your feelings? (Or anything else, for that matter?) And how is it, exactly, that you think he should be, instead?

I’ve had times when I did this work and the inquiry completely changed how I felt about someone! I have emerged from the experience aware of the hysterical nature of my own judgments.

You also might find, in further reflection, that some of the ways he bothers you are things that you don’t accept in your own psyche.

I’ve certainly experienced this in the past. Someone was driving me bonkers, and then I realized that what I hated in them was something I hated in myself. (Actually, this has almost always been true in my experience. Almost always what I’ve found is that I don’t like looking in “the mirror” and seeing myself in them – whether it be a part of myself I have managed to successfully repress and hide, or not.)

Another thing I highly recommend for your situation is the Buddhist Metta Prayer, or “Lovingkindness Prayer” as a mantra, meditation, and life practice!

“May all beings everywhere, whether near or far, whether known to me or unknown, be happy. May they be well. May they be peaceful. May they be free.”

You can use this for this relationship by focusing on your husband and saying, “May he be filled with loving kindness. May he be well. My he be peaceful. May he be free.” And also by focusing on yourself, and saying, “May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be well. My I be peaceful. May I be free.”

The biggest thing in all of these is your intention. If you stay in judgment, you are thinking he should change. Something(s) about him are not as they should be. But if you are determined to shift this within yourself, you will find your way! It is a beautiful intention and will be worth it for you both, I’m sure!

Blessings and Love to you in all you do!

In Joy,

Melissa

What is your experience with annoying people? Share your comments below!

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