Dear Meli,

My mother died of Covid a few months ago. She was in her early nineties, and she had already started to decline. Covid was the final straw, but she was ready to go. And yet, even though I know this, I have been having a hell of a time. Her death has knocked me out more than I ever would have imagined. I’m having a hard time focusing. I feel furious one day, and defeated the next. I’m a total mess. When my dad died a decade ago, it wasn’t nearly this hard. I keep thinking that there’s something wrong with me. Help!

Defeated by Death

Dear Defeated,

I’m so sorry to hear about your mom’s passing. My heart goes out to you. No matter the circumstances of her being ready or her age, losing one’s mother is a powerful experience for almost all of us.

Some cultures are much better at dealing with death. Navigating the grief process is gnarly, let’s be real. And some cultures allow for the messiness of it in an honoring way. That has not been my experience here in America. We seem to have more of a “buck up and move on” attitude, even when it’s not spoken.

But that is not how it works. Grief has to have its way with us. Or, perhaps better said, grief will have its way with us! The more we can surrender to the process (which is always both unique and ever-changing), the more grace we will experience in the midst.

All the words you used to describe your experience sound like a very healthy response to your mother’s death to me. Having a tough time, especially challenged by focused tasks, and riding waves of emotions that feel crazy-making. Sounds like grief to me!

I do not mean to diminish your experience! Or to sum it up or categorize it as a way of minimizing the difficulty. It is a hard thing to go through! I experienced it first hand, and have had many friends and clients walk the same walk. No matter what our relationships were like with someone while they were alive, their being suddenly gone from this time-space continuum is jarring. Add to that that the person was the woman who gave birth to you? Need I point out that until their passing, you had never yet experienced life without them? That alone implies there will be some adjusting to do, at the least.

There is no way to know, after someone close to us (whether in or outside of our family of origin) dies, how much of our experience each day is colored by grieving. It definitely varies. There will be days when one feels good, great even, and then – Wham. Something from out of nowhere reminds us of that person. And the pain is like it was at the beginning.

Grief is its own unique island in this way.

My best suggestion to you is that you be immensely generous, kind, and forgiving with yourself. Know that, in any given moment, whatever you’re experiencing may be grief. It shows up in infinite disguises! Don’t minimize it. Breathe into it. Allow it. Allow yourself to have the feelings, even if they feel crazy-making. In fact, if they feel crazy-making, may I suggest laying on a bed and thrashing about a bit? It can do wonders for relieving the madness! Allow and even encourage yourself to feel what’s moving through. Because then it can do just that – move through! As tough as it is to move through grief, it is much more difficult – in every way – to stay stuck in it because we haven’t allowed it to have its way with us.

There are entire books – beautiful books – written on the subject of death, dying, and grief. Perhaps see if one calls to you.

Basically, anything you can do to nurture yourself in this time – do it! We will send you love from here, too! And hang in there, knowing that – as you allow it – this, too, shall pass!

With Blessings and Love to you in all you do!

In Joy,

Melissa

What is your experience with the loss of a parent? Share your comments below!

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