Dear Meli,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over three years. At the beginning of our relationship, things were really good. But the last two years haven’t been great. He criticizes me a lot, including in front of other people. When I tell him not to, he’s says I’m too sensitive. As a spiritual person, I try to just be unconditionally loving to him, but that hasn’t resulted in him being any kinder. This makes me think that I’m not being unconditionally loving enough. Do you have any ideas about how to shift the dynamic between us?
Losing at Loving
Dear Losing,
I’m so sorry to hear about this. And I’m also sorry to say what I’m about to say.
Being loving is a great thing to do, of course. But making yourself out to be a bad person, or a not loving enough person, because someone else is ignoring your clearly stated needs? That’s abusive.
Some would say it’s the boyfriend being abusive. I would. Verbal abuse is definitely a form of abuse.
And when you stay in a relationship where you know you will be hurt? That is definitely abusive!
It is not spiritual to allow yourself to be treated badly. If your boyfriend is being rude to you in front of others, and calling you names when you let him know that hurt your feelings? Get the heck out of that relationship!
Yes, I’m aware this may sound harsh. But I stand by it.
And there’s more.
If you have been staying in a relationship like that, it’s symbolic of a different underlying issue. As someone who used to be in abusive relationships, I can attest to this. When I was in that kind of relationship? Being treated that way was what I believed I deserved.
At first, I wasn’t aware that I believed I deserved it. Not consciously. But when I started to look at how I spoke to myself, it sounded similar to how my ex used to speak to me.
As I grew my own self-love, I stopped meeting people like that. Actually, I can look back now and see a perfectly aligned trajectory. The more I grew to love myself, the kinder and more wonderful others were to me! This is not a coincidence!
If I were you, I would start by letting go of this relationship. Then take some time to work on the most important relationship you will ever have. The one you have with yourself. It is appropriate, fitting, and right that you adore you.
Because Spirit? Spirit loves you absolutely! In the Mind of The All, you are absolutely accepted and infinitely loved. Invite Spirit to show you how loved you are, and to teach you how to love yourself more fully. You can also begin to imagine having the mutually loving relationship you deserve. Your prayers and visions will be answered.
After some time of growing in your self-love, you will (seemingly magically) meet an entirely new kind of person to date! This person will be an upgraded version of your current situation. And you will be so grateful that you did all you needed to do to find yourself in that amazing love!
Trust me. I’ve made the journey. I can look back now and see a perfect linear upward movement in my relationship history. The more I loved me, the more I was loved. Go figure!
May you also remember to be gentle with yourself as you read this. If you take my advice, continue to be kind with your sweet self along the way.
I promise you. It will be worth it!
Love and Blessings,
Meli
What is your experience with self-love and relationships? Share your comments below!
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