Dear Meli,
I have a co-worker that I thought was my friend. She is also on a spiritual path and we often talk about our journeys. Recently I found out that she is having a party and inviting several people in our office – except me and another co-worker. I am so hurt, but I also don’t feel comfortable talking to her about it. I’m not sure what to do. Any ideas?
Dissed and Down
Dear DD,
I’m so sorry to hear about your sad experience! That sounds painful.
I definitely agree with your thought to not share this with her. Given the situation, it seems clear that her actions have communicated that you and she did not share the relationship you’d thought.
As you make new friends, this is something to watch for in the future. I imagine that you may be an undefended person, sharing generously when you feel safe. Maybe consider the possibility of being a little bit more conservative about making an assumption that someone is safe? It has taken me quite a few decades to figure this one out.
There’s a balance between being closed off and being more conservative about shifting into the friend zone. I’m not suggesting you don’t let people in or don’t share yourself. Just keep in mind that it takes time to really know someone. To really understand how someone feels about you and to be all-the-way safe in fully trusting them.
Your co-worker has shown you that you cannot trust them with your undefended, unprotected heart. They clearly were not thinking of you with their actions. Someone who chooses this behavior is not a friend. Again, this is why it’s good not to share your feelings about this situation with her. It’s best to share with someone who truly cares about you!
It’s sad to feel rejected. I think it may well be one of the worst feelings in life! So, be sure that you do process this by talking with someone whom you absolutely know loves you. Be very gentle with your sweet self and heart by allowing yourself to feel the disappointment and sadness of this experience. The loss of the budding friendship you thought you had.
I am so sorry for this happening to you. Please take extra sweet care of yourself. And remember, there are people whom you can trust fully, who will be great friends to you. Even more than you already know. As long as you stay open. Maybe the mantra for this could be: Open and Slow.
I wish you all the very best.
Blessings and Love to you in all you do!
In Joy,
Melissa
What is your experience with friends who aren’t really friends? Share your comments below!
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My heart hugs your heart, D and D. Covering you with Love and surrounding you with Light. 😇
Open and slow very good advice.
Can’t go wrong with open and slow! 🙂
BIG Love,
Melissa
Wow did this column hit home! I had a friend of 20 years blurt out in a fit of anger that she didn’t know if she could trust me in her home anymore. It ended the friendship and woke me up to the need to be more discerning in my choice of friends . Thank you for a reminder of this valuable lesson
Hi Kathy,
Wow, that sounds like a major Ouch! I’m so sorry about that. But I’m also glad you did what you needed to take care of yourself!
BIG Love,
Melissa
Completely disagree. Talk to the friend…”hey, I noticed”. Briefly and facts only. You’ll feel true to yourself, and the friend will have the opportunity to learn as well.
(Mistakes do happen)
Hi Deborah,
I agree that this could be a good thing, in some situations. Depends on the person you would be talking to, and how you feel going in…and like that. (In my opinion, of course.)
The person who wrote in had specifically said they didn’t feel comfortable with talking with the person. And I DO feel that following our inner knowing/intuitive self in this (and everything) is always best. (Again, my opinion)
I do also agree with how you said you’d approach it. Sometimes. So thanks for writing!
I had a friend who I thought of as my best friend in high school. She eventually quit keeping in touch with me. I saw her at our tenth reunion and she said that another girl was her best friend in high school. I realized I had been deluding myself, this was one sided. Not mean but it was sad. I think sometimes we don’t really know what is going on.
Ouch, Linda! That sounds like a definite ouch! I’m so sorry for your experience of this, and any disappointment it brought.
I agree that we don’t always know or understand both sides of our relationships. And that we can’t REALLY ever fully know someone…I mean, we can deeply know someone but…
I say this because i just found out, days ago, that an old “friend” (musical acquaintance/musician) who I really liked and played with for years and grew to love and respect as a person…just got sent to prison for something that I find atrocious. So there’s that.
Sorry…I digress. But it was just another (albeit more shocking) example of how little we know people we think we understand.
I guess this shouldn’t be surprising given that I’m still getting to know and understand mySELF after all these years! And I didn’t know I was gay until I was 50 years old. And if thats how little we know our sweet lil selves, another person thrown into the mix, and the dynamics between the two? It’s a LOT!
I have found, through the years, that I’ve gotten more discerning about friendships. And my friendships have gotten better and better. I hope you can say the same.
Love and Blessings to you and your sweet heart.
Hi Meli. I loved this! It really hit home. I recently lost a friendship. We had a disagreement and I brought it up several times to try to “fix” the misunderstanding. It seems the person would rather keep the grudge. In any event, it was a great big ouch but I’ve come to understand that it was time to move on. Always appreciate your wisdom. Hugs,
Hi Bonnie,
Great to hear from you. I’m so sorry to hear that about your friend. Definitely an Ouch!! It sounds like you did what you needed to do – in every way. Sending love to your heart!!
BIG love and hugs,
Meli
Friends! They can be such a dilemma sometimes. I’m the type of person who will talk with someone adult to adult because I really value constructive communication. Sometimes that isn’t the right course to take and sometimes even if you try it isn’t going to happen. My situation is with someone who used to be a very close friend for over 30 years! Actually she was my first friend after moving to California. At one time years ago we were also roommates then each got married but still stayed connected. One day a few years ago she just went off the radar. I was concerned about her. When I finally got a reply text she just didn’t want anymore contact and said it was her and not me. That was that. Who knows? We never really do. It’s taken me a long time to resolve this for me but eventually I knew I need to take care of me and move on. Easier said than done. Funniest thing is she stayed friends with me on FB and occasionally likes something I post but that’s it. So strange and it still stings some when I see her name pop up. Someday I guess I’ll really let go and remove her as the last bit of closure. 🤷🏻♀️
Ouch, Pam! So sad and that situation sounds very challenging in terms of coming to a place of feeling closure. And, absolutely, yes! Friends – sometimes such a dilemma! I am also one who tries (first) to talk things through to the other side with friends. I have found that not everyone is capable of such conversations. Of taking responsibility and staying present through hurt feelings and continuing to be present, all the way through. I know I’ve probably hurt people unknowingly too. I guess all we can do is do our best, and then also do our best to take sweet care of our tender little hearts. The reward is that there are people who are fully-aligned matches for friendship! And then? Joy and fun and loving connection. The BEST! Thank you for writing, dear heart. May closure find you and bless your being.