Dear Meli,
I’m having some problems with self-care. Actually, I don’t think that I have a problem with self-care, but my husband thinks I do. He worries about me. I’m a therapist and social worker, and I spend a lot of time caring for others. And I love caring for others! But my husband is right – I don’t prioritize myself in the mix of care. Do you have any ideas for how I can do this?
Stymied by Self-Care
Dear Stymied,
I recently had an email communication with an old friend. This friend had, at one time, been my personal assistant. In this recent conversation, they told me that they always think of me when they take good self-care measures because I was always good at that. I thought that was hysterical because I used to think I sucked at self-care. But now, I admit to being fabulously influenced by my bestie and wife, Z. And now? Now, I think I rock the world of self-care!
I can recall a time, before this friend was my assistant, when I had zero self-care. I was a using drug addict, which didn’t help. I was a high-functioning addict, but not so highly functioning that I was doing things to care for myself! I ate poorly and had erratic sleep patterns. I was out until 3 a.m. many nights of the week (singing in bars). I drank coffee and alcohol, and I smoked cigarettes. I was codependent – doing lots of nice things for others, while often resenting it. I could go on and on, but you get my drift.
Today I could be a poster child for self-care. I am deeply grateful for my sobriety. Add to this healthy eating, daily exercise, lots of fabulous sleep (in large part because I turn out the lights at the same time every night, after having had no coffee or eaten anything stimulating throughout the day), daily meditation, work I love with one sabbatical day a week, good people in my life who bring me joy, and fabulous boundaries to create balance and keep myself from unhealthy or stress-creating people and situations… You get the idea. Poster child.
How did this transformation take place? Gradually. I implemented these self-loving choices very slowly, one change at a time. Creating a new habit can seem daunting. Creating many new habits at once can seem downright undoable. I don’t recommend it!
Here are some ways you could forge ahead into Poster-Child level Self-Care Mastery:
1) It sounds like your husband is a wonderful supporter. You could sit down with him and have him help you prioritize a list of things that would be good self-care habits for you to implement over time. Start with the one that will have the biggest impact on your well-being and general happiness.
2) Learn to become comfortable with saying “no.” This is a key component! Practice makes the master. Literally practice saying “no” in a mirror. I suggest you practice these phrases as well:
“Thank you so much for asking, but I won’t be able to do that.”
“Aw. I so wish I could. But I won’t be able to.”
Or one of my all time favorites: “No.”
Another to use when you aren’t positive your answer should be no, or when it’s too hard to say at first:
“I really want to say ‘yes.’ But I have a promise with myself that I’ll sit with something like this for a day (or two) so I can be sure I’ll be able to follow through before answering.”
You could even ask your husband to support you in learning to say “no” by asking you for things he knows you would hate.
3) Perhaps you could tell your husband something you’ve been doing for him, or around the house, that you hate doing. Maybe he’d be willing to take something from you that has been dragging you down.
4) If you have a friend to support you in this process as well, you could ask them to become an accountability partner. (This could be your husband but it would be better still to have an outside party.) Set a time to connect regularly (weekly or monthly) to check in our how you’re doing in keeping up with your additions to your self-care practice.
5) Promise yourself that if you fail at your intention once, you will still take it on again. If you don’t walk one day, for instance, promise yourself (and someone else) that you will absolutely do so the next day! An intention to be self-loving should not lead to great opportunities for self-abuse.
6) Only take on what you know you can commit to! If an item on your list is to make someone else happy, don’t let it stay on the list. It has to be a list of things that you will experience as improvements to your life!
7) Allow the process to be gentle and kind, a nice and slow evolution.
I know this column has other readers who can chime in with more ideas. For now, that should get you started in the direction of greater care for your sweet self.
Blessings and Love to you in all you do!
In Joy,
Melissa
What is your experience with self-care? Share your comments below!
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